Losing your mom

Your mom may have held memories no one else has: your first word, what scared you as a child, how you were as a baby. Losing her can feel like losing a witness to your whole life.

What can help

• Ask relatives and her friends for stories about you as a child
• Keep her baby book, letters or cards somewhere safe
• Write down the stories you remember her telling about you

Many people say the hardest moments are small ones: picking up the phone to tell her good news, or hearing a voice like hers in a shop. That reflex is love, still looking for its person.

In many families, mom is the one who organizes holidays, remembers birthdays and passes on news. Without her, the family may not know how to gather, or who to call.

The person who mothered you may not have given birth to you. A stepmom, adoptive mom, foster mom, grandmother, aunt, older sister or family friend can be your mom in every way that matters. Losing her is losing a mother.

If you were adopted, you might also grieve a birth mother you knew a little or never met. That grief is real too, even when others don’t understand it.

A child or teen who loses their mom may miss her at many “firsts”: school events, a first crush, learning to drive, prom, graduation. Body changes in puberty can be a lonely time without her.

What can help

• A trusted woman or adult they can ask the questions they would have asked her
• Keeping something of hers, like a scarf, a necklace or her perfume
• Peer grief groups with others who lost a parent
• Permission to talk about her, and to still have fun

In a study of 2,760 adults, daughters who lost their mothers earlier in adulthood than expected had the steepest drop in life satisfaction. Many had not fully recovered several years later.

You may feel out of step when friends talk about calls with their moms, or when you plan a wedding or a first home without her. Groups for young adults who lost a parent can help you feel less alone.

Pregnancy, birth or adoption can bring a fresh wave of grief. You may want to ask her what you were like as a baby, or simply want her there. It is common to feel joy and deep sadness at the same time.

Ideas

• Ask her friends or sisters what she was like as a new mom
• Keep a photo of her in the baby’s room
• Sing your child the songs she sang to you
• Tell your child about their grandmother as they grow

In mid-life, you may be raising children, working and supporting your surviving parent all at once. You may have also been her caregiver. There may be little room left for your own grief.

Even at 65 or 80, losing your mom can bring back feelings of being someone’s child. Others may expect you to be fine because she was old. You are allowed to grieve her fully.

Many daughters notice their mom in themselves: a laugh, a phrase, the way they fold laundry. This can bring comfort one day and tears the next.

Some daughters feel a quiet worry as they approach the age their mom was when she died. If she died of an illness, talking with your doctor about your own health can turn worry into a plan.

Many sons were taught to “stay strong” for the family. You may find yourself handling the funeral and the paperwork, and feeling the grief later, often when you least expect it.

What can help

• Doing something in her name, like fixing up her garden or finishing a project
• Letting yourself cry, alone or with someone you trust
• Talking about her with a sibling or friend on a walk or a drive

Some people are non-binary or don’t fit what family expects of a son or daughter. If your relationship with your mom was shaped by acceptance, or a lack of it, your grief may carry that too. All of it is allowed.

When a hard mother dies, the hope that she might one day change, apologize or understand you dies too. Many people grieve the mother they wished for as well as the real one.

If she was very ill for a long time, or if the relationship was painful, you may feel relief. That is common and human. Relief can sit right next to love and sadness.

If your mom lived with a mental health condition, addiction or a long illness, you may have lost parts of her long before she died. You might grieve who she was when she was well, and who she could have been.

Some people also feel anger at the illness, at systems that didn’t help her, or at her. It can help to talk with someone who understands, like a counselor or a support group for families.

With dementia, many families grieve for years as memories and personality change. When she dies, the grief can be complicated: sorrow, exhaustion and sometimes relief all at once.

You may have chosen distance to protect yourself, and still feel shaken when she dies. Others may not understand why you are grieving, or why you are not.

What can help

• A private goodbye that fits what you feel
• Choosing for yourself whether to go to the funeral
• Having a short answer ready: “It was a complicated relationship.”
• Time with people who know your story

Plan comforting, supportive time and activities for at least a week before the day. Make a plan for the day too, even if that plan is to do nothing.

If you choose to mark the day, think of something that connects you with her and what she meant to you.

Pick one area, like food, films, music or colors, and choose a few things she loved. If you don’t know, go with your best guess, or pick things you love.

Ideas

• Bake her recipe and share it
• Buy the flowers she liked for yourself or someone else
• Play her music in the car
• Watch the film she always watched

Cashiers, servers and strangers often say “Happy Mother’s Day!” It can help to prepare a few answers. Some people are honest, like “Not so great, my mom died this year.” Others say “Thanks, you too.” There is no right or wrong answer.

Social media will likely be full of Mother’s Day posts and memories. Consider a break, or decide ahead of time what you want to post.

Talk with children before the day about what they would like to do or not do. Siblings may want different things. Let them know it is okay to celebrate and equally okay not to.

Check with teachers about any Mother’s Day activities at school. Don’t force a child to choose another adult to honor, unless they want to.

Helping others can take you out of your own experience for a while and bring a sense of belonging. You might choose a cause that mattered to your mom.

Make a list of the things she used to do for the family. Seeing it written down can explain why things feel so hard, and make it easier to share.

Things moms often handled

• Caring for a sick relative
• Cooking the family recipes
• Hosting holidays and gatherings
• Keeping in touch with aunts, cousins and old friends
• Remembering birthdays and sending cards

Talk openly with siblings and family about who will do what. One person might host, another might keep the birthday list, another might check in on your dad or surviving parent.

If your other parent is still living, they may lean on you. Their grief may look different from yours. It is kind to support them, and also okay to ask other family members to share check-ins.

If your parent starts dating or remarries, you may feel protective of your mom’s memory. Those feelings are common. Talking honestly, and slowly, usually helps more than staying silent.

Ideas

• Ask everyone to bring one of her dishes to a gathering
• Keep one tradition exactly as she did it
• Let some things go, without guilt
• Start one new tradition in her honor

A song in a shop, a woman with her coat, a recipe card in a drawer: reminders can catch you off guard. This is a normal part of grief, not a step backwards.

In the moment

• Breathe slowly and let the feeling pass through
• Say her name, out loud or in your head
• Step outside or find a quiet spot for a minute
• Text someone who knew her

Facing the loss might mean visiting her grave, writing to her or looking at photos. Taking a break might mean work, a show, time with friends or learning something new. Healthy grieving usually includes both.

People often grieve again at big moments, like a graduation, a wedding or a new baby. This is not a sign that something is wrong. It shows how much you wish she could be there.

Ideas

• Ask relatives to share her recipes and stories in one place
• Frame a recipe card in her handwriting
• Make a small book of her sayings
• Teach her dish to the next generation

Ideas

• A piece of her jewelry you wear every day
• Her blanket or a quilt made from her clothes
• Her favorite mug for your morning drink
• Her garden tools, or a plant grown from her garden

Some people talk to their mom in the car, at her grave or before sleep. Others write letters or keep a journal addressed to her. This is common, and many find it comforting.

Many faiths and cultures have their own ways of honoring a mother: prayers on anniversaries, lighting candles, visiting graves, a home altar with her photo, special foods on remembrance days. These rituals can give grief a place to go.

If you have moved far from your family’s traditions, you can adapt them, mix them, or create your own. A faith leader or community elder can help if you want to learn more.

Ideas

• Donate to or volunteer for a cause she loved
• Plant a tree or flowers she liked
• Practice a kindness she was known for
• Tell your children or younger relatives stories about her

Friends and family may or may not reach out around Mother’s Day. A simple text can mean a lot: “Thinking of you and your mom this week.” If you are unsure, ask what kind of messages feel supportive.

Things that help

• “I’ll never forget your mom’s laugh.”
• “What was she like when you were little?”
• “What do you miss most about her?”

Offers that help

• Bringing a meal on the day they sort her things
• Driving them to appointments or the airport
• Helping with children on hard days
• Sitting with them while they make phone calls

Try not to say

• “At least she’s not suffering.” (unless they say it first)
• “She’s in a better place.” (unless you share their beliefs and they say it first)
• “You need to be strong for your dad.”
• “You were lucky to have her so long.”

Instead, try: “I’m so sorry about your mom. I’m here.”

Hospices, hospitals, faith communities and community centers often run grief groups, and some are online. Ask the hospice or hospital where your mom was cared for whether they offer groups for families.

The Dougy Center offers grief resources for children, teens, young adults and families, and a worldwide directory of peer grief groups. Visit dougy.org.

A grief counselor or therapist can help with heavy, stuck or very mixed feelings, including grief for a complicated mother. An estimated 4% to 15% of bereaved adults have grief that stays intense for a long time, and support can help.

Free, confidential support 24/7 by call or text to 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You don’t have to be suicidal to call. Grief that feels unbearable is reason enough.

A trained crisis counselor replies by text, free, at any hour.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries around the world.