Miscarriage & pregnancy loss

A chemical pregnancy is a very early loss that usually happens just after the pregnancy implants. It may feel like a late period. Even if the pregnancy was known for only a few days, the hopes that came with it were real.

Some people have no symptoms, and only learn at a routine scan that the pregnancy has stopped growing. This is sometimes called a “missed miscarriage”. Going in expecting good news and getting this news can be a huge shock.

In the days after

• Ask your care team to explain things again if you need
• Let someone you trust be with you
• Take time off if you can
• Write down questions as they come to you

If you have had 3 or more miscarriages, talk to your doctor. You will usually be offered tests to look for a cause, and support.

Each loss can bring back the grief of the ones before. A counselor who understands pregnancy loss can help you carry them.

In a U.S. survey, many people wrongly believed that a stressful event (76%) or lifting something heavy (64%) causes miscarriage. Most people also thought miscarriage was rare.

Miscarriage is not linked to

• Eating spicy food
• Exercise
• Flying
• Having sex
• Lifting
• Stress or a shock
• Working

In one survey, 41% of people who had a miscarriage felt they had done something wrong. Fewer felt that way when a cause was found.

Things that may help

• Ask your care team what is known about why it happened
• Notice the “if only” thoughts, and answer them kindly
• Say to yourself what you would say to a friend
• Talk with a counselor if guilt keeps returning

Losing a pregnancy can be devastating. With an ectopic pregnancy, there may also be fear for your own health, or an emergency. It is not unusual for these feelings to last several months, though they usually ease with time.

In a London study, signs of post-traumatic stress were common after both miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy.

Most women who have had an ectopic pregnancy can get pregnant again. The chance of another ectopic pregnancy is higher after one, but it is still small.

The Losing a child guide talks about stillbirth in more depth. It covers making memories with your baby, grieving as a couple, and answering “How many children do you have?”

If the birth itself was frightening, the Hard or frightening births guide may help too.

Whatever the week, your baby was real and your love is real. You are still a parent. Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers groups and peer companions for families after stillbirth.

After a loss you may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. Grief can affect your body too, making it hard to focus or leaving you run down.

Gentle care

• Eat simple meals and drink water
• Let others help with chores and errands
• Rest when you can
• Step outside for fresh air, even briefly

In a London study, about 4 in 10 women had signs of post-traumatic stress three months after an early pregnancy loss. Many also had anxiety. The researchers say people should be offered a chance to talk it through with a professional.

Returning to work can be hard, especially if colleagues knew you were pregnant. You can ask a manager or one trusted colleague to share the news quietly, so you don’t have to explain again and again.

Things you might ask for

• A gradual return, if possible
• A quiet place to take a break
• Colleagues not to ask questions
• Time for follow-up appointments

Research suggests some men cope by drinking more, rather than by talking. Finding safe ways to grieve, and someone to talk to, can protect your health.

Ways to grieve

• Ask the care team about support for partners
• Join a group or online community for parents after loss
• Talk with a friend who has been through it
• Write or do something physical to let feelings out

Everyone grieves in their own way. One partner may want to talk often, while the other needs quiet. Patience helps you stay close.

Open, gentle conversations that acknowledge each other’s feelings, without trying to fix them, can help.

Non-birthing mothers, co-parents and other partners can feel especially invisible after a loss. Your bond with the baby was real, and so is your grief.

Keepsakes like scan pictures can help you remember your baby. Some people write letters or journal entries to their baby.

Ideas

• A candle you light on special days
• A memory box
• A piece of jewelry
• A tree or plant
• A name, if you’d like one

You can honour your baby on special days, like the due date or the day you lost them. You can do this alone or with others.

Dates people often find hard

• Father’s Day and Mother’s Day
• Holidays
• The day of the loss
• The due date

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is held each year on October 15. It ends with a “wave of light”, when people light candles at 7pm local time around the world.

Joining in can help you feel less alone. Or you may prefer a quiet day. Both are okay.

A pregnancy after loss can feel very different. Excitement can mix with anxiety, and joy with dread. Anxiety is not a flaw. It is a natural response to uncertainty.

Some people hold back from bonding, while others feel close from the start. Both are understandable.

Ideas

• Take things one appointment at a time
• Tell your care team about your past loss
• Write down your worries to help make sense of them
• Talk with someone outside your close circle

A good scan can bring relief, though many people find the reassurance doesn’t last long. That is normal.

Some people decide not to try again, or need a long break. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your grief and your choice both deserve respect.

Group members understand what you are going through and can help you feel less alone. Ask your provider about pregnancy loss groups near you.

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers in-person and online groups, private online communities, and peer companions.

Grandparents, brothers and sisters, and other family members can grieve a baby too. Share offers support and resources for them as well.

Things that help

• Bring a meal or offer to run errands
• Check in again weeks later, not just the first days
• Remember the due date with a kind message
• Say “I’m so sorry” and listen
• Use the baby’s name, if they have chosen one

Try not to say

• “At least it was early.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “You can try again.”