Losing a pet

Almost all U.S. pet owners say their pets are family. A pet is often there every morning and every night, through hard times and good ones. So the loss shows up everywhere: the empty bowl, the quiet door, the walk you no longer take.

Feelings people often describe

• Anger at the illness, the accident or yourself
• Guilt and “what ifs”
• Loneliness, especially if you live alone
• Numbness, or feeling oddly fine
• Deep sadness that comes in waves

Cleveland Clinic notes that pet grief can show up as physical symptoms, not only feelings. Be gentle with yourself: rest, eat regular meals and get some fresh air if you can.

Cornell’s pet loss team says grief has no set timeline, and setbacks are normal. A smell, a photo or a dog that looks like yours can bring a fresh wave, even months later.

Colorado State University’s veterinary experts say the time for euthanasia usually comes when a pet’s quality of life has greatly declined. They suggest looking at both body and mind: pain and illness, but also company, interest and the ability to cope.

Questions to ask yourself

• Can my pet still eat, drink, go to the toilet, move, rest and sleep in a normal way?
• Has its interest in me, or in daily life, changed?
• Is it still doing the things it has always enjoyed?

The same experts suggest keeping a calendar of good and bad days, or a list of favorite activities to tick off. It can help you notice a pattern when your heart is torn.

Your vet can combine what the exam shows with what you see at home. Talking about end-of-life wishes before a crisis can make the decision a little easier when the time comes.

Tufts suggests leaning on your vet, pet loss counselors and people who have been through it.

Things you might ask

• Can my family be there to say goodbye?
• Is my pet in pain, and what would comfort look like?
• What are the options for afterward?
• Where can it happen, and what will the day look like?

Even when it is a compassionate choice, euthanasia can bring wrenching feelings and make people reflect on their religious, spiritual, ethical and personal beliefs. That is normal.

If you had to decide to put your pet to sleep, you might feel guilt or keep asking “Did I do the right thing?” That’s very common. Making the choice with your vet and family can help.

Things to remind yourself

• I made the choice with the information I had at the time
• I chose to spare them pain
• Guilt is often love with nowhere to go

Be honest and simple. Hiding the truth usually doesn’t help. Saying a pet “ran away” or “went on a trip” can cause anger if the truth comes out later.

Phrases like “put to sleep” or “passed on” can confuse children. Young children may take “went to sleep” literally and become afraid of sleep or surgery.

KidsHealth suggests telling children that the vets did everything they could, that the pet would not get better, and that helping it die is the kindest way to end its pain. Explain that the pet will die peacefully, without feeling hurt or scared.

Many kids want to say goodbye before the death. Depending on their age and maturity, some may be able to stay and comfort the pet.

• Toddlers (1–3): may not understand death, may ask again and again where the pet is, and may seem unbothered. That isn’t uncaring
• Preschoolers (3–5): younger ones often find death hard to grasp; older ones begin to understand more
• School-age kids (5–12): understand much better. If a pet is old or ill, this is a good time to prepare them ahead
• Teens (12–18): understand death, but grief can vary a lot in strength and form

Children may be confused if your sadness is hidden. Letting them see you cry, and sharing memories of past pets, shows that grief is a normal part of life. Anger is a common way kids show grief too.

Healthy outlets

• A warm bath
• Drawing or coloring
• Listening to music
• Running or active play
• Talking about happy memories of the pet

• Draw pictures or write a letter to the pet
• Hold a small ceremony, and let each person share what the pet meant to them
• Make a memory box or scrapbook together
• Plant a tree or flower in the pet’s memory

Some children take longer to grieve than others. Pediatricians say extra help is uncommon but may be needed if, months later, a child still has trouble with daily life at home or school, seems preoccupied with the pet, acts out, or has deep, lasting sadness.

Talk with your child’s pediatrician. Few counselors specialize in pet loss, but most are trained in childhood grief.

Some losses aren’t fully recognised by the people around us. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief, and pet loss is a common example. The Different kinds of loss guide has more on this.

One researcher has argued that treating pet grief as less serious than grief for a person doesn’t match the evidence, since for many people it can be just as lasting.

• Find one person who loved your pet too, and share memories
• It is okay to take a personal day or say “I’m grieving”
• Try a pet loss support group or helpline
• Write a letter to your pet

You don’t owe anyone a full explanation. A short line can help others give you some room.

Phrases to try

• “I’m a bit quiet today. We lost our dog this week.”
• “My cat died, and I’m finding it hard to focus.”
• “I might need a little patience for a few days.”

• Changes in eating, sleeping or activity
• Clinginess or seeming anxious
• Crying or calling out, especially in young animals
• Destructive behavior or toileting accidents
• Low mood or less interest in play
• Searching for the pet who died

Give the surviving animal time, and let it grieve with you. Extra play, cuddles or treats can comfort you both.

Ideas

• Keep feeding and walking times the same
• Leave a blanket or toy that smells of the pet who died, if it seems to comfort them
• Spend a few extra minutes together each day

If an animal stops eating, cries constantly, hurts itself or seems extremely anxious, contact your veterinarian.

• A memory box with a favorite toy
• A photo book or collage
• Keeping the collar or tags
• A scrapbook made together as a family

• A special spot outside
• Planting a tree or flower
• Scattering ashes somewhere meaningful, if you chose cremation

• A small ceremony at home
• Each person sharing what the pet meant to them
• Writing a letter or a prayer for your pet
• Sharing funny stories over a meal

• Donate towels, blankets or unused food to a shelter
• Volunteer at a shelter when you feel ready
• Walk a neighbor’s dog in your pet’s honor

A new pet doesn’t replace the one you lost. As one Cleveland Clinic expert puts it, you don’t move on, you move forward.

Cornell suggests making sure you have the time and emotional energy a new animal needs. Visiting shelters can help some people decide, but it’s fine to wait if it still feels too painful.

Pediatricians suggest presenting a new pet as a different experience, not a replacement. Children may expect the new pet to be just like the old one and feel let down when it isn’t. Calling it a replacement can also suggest that loved ones can be replaced.

• Am I hoping a new pet will stop the sadness?
• Do I have the time, money and energy right now?
• Is everyone in the household ready?
• Would fostering first feel easier?

• “I’m so sorry. [Name] was such a big part of your life.”
• “It makes sense that you miss them so much.”
• “What’s a favorite memory of them?”
• “You gave them a really good life.”

• “It was only a dog / cat.”
• “You can just get another one.”
• Pushing them to adopt again before they are ready
• Second-guessing a decision they made with their vet

• Check in again a few weeks later, when others may have forgotten
• Remember the pet’s birthday or the anniversary
• Send a card
• Share a photo you took of their pet

For someone who lives alone, a pet may have been their main company and reason for a daily routine. Losing it can also mean losing structure and chances to chat with others, like on walks.

Ways to help

• Invite them for a walk at the time they used to walk their dog
• Keep in regular touch for the first few weeks
• Offer to help sort their pet’s things when they’re ready

• Cornell University Pet Loss Support Hotline: 607-218-7457. Staffed by veterinary student volunteers trained by grief counselors. Hours change with the seasons, so call or check the website for current times. You can stay anonymous.
• Tufts University Pet Loss Support Helpline: 508-839-7966. Staffed evenings Monday to Thursday (Eastern time), with voicemail 24 hours a day. Calls are returned at the next shift.

Cornell lists online pet loss support groups as another option, and your vet may know of groups nearby.

If grief stays very heavy for a long time or makes daily life hard, talking to a counselor or your clinical provider can help.

If grief brings thoughts of not wanting to live, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, free and 24/7. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. Local vets and animal charities may also know of pet loss support near you.