Starting school (ages 3–6)

The American Academy of Pediatrics describes separation worries as normal, and often a sign of a close bond. Preschoolers also know that tears can change what a parent does, which is why a steady routine matters so much.

Hunger, tiredness or feeling unwell make goodbyes harder at any age. A calm morning and a good breakfast give a small child more to draw on.

In one morning a child may need to hang up a coat, find a cubby, sit on a carpet spot, line up, ask for the bathroom and eat lunch in a noisy room. Each of these is a small new skill.

Things that can surprise little ones

• Asking a grown-up they barely know for help
• Bells, buzzers or fire drills
• Bathrooms that look or sound different
• Eating at set times rather than when hungry
• Sitting still and waiting a turn

Following rules, waiting, sharing and coping with noise all take effort for a young brain. By the end of the day, many children have used up their patience, which can show up as tears or tantrums at home.

The AAP suggests moving to earlier bedtimes a week or two before school starts, with a calming routine and screens off well before bed.

By around age 4, many children ask to play with other children and comfort a friend who is sad. By around 5, many can follow rules and take turns in games. These are big social steps, and they are still being learned.

A child who says “nobody played with me” may simply be watching first. Some children join in quickly; others like to observe for days or weeks before jumping in.

Many children say their tummy or head hurts on school mornings. The feeling is real, even when worry is the cause. Taking it seriously, while still going to school when they are well, helps a child learn that worry can be survived.

Try saying

• “Your tummy feels funny. Sometimes tummies do that when we feel nervous.”
• “Let’s take three slow breaths together.”
• “I’ll tell your teacher so she can check on you.”

Child psychiatrists note that children around kindergarten age are still learning to separate from parents, so a big change can make them more dependent for a while.

This can look like

• Bedtime worries or wanting to sleep near a parent
• More clinging or wanting to be carried
• Toilet accidents after being dry
• Using a younger voice or baby words

Many young children manage well in class and then fall apart at home, where they feel safest. This is a common pattern in the first weeks of school.

What helps

• A snack and a calm space before questions
• Cuddles, a bath or outdoor play to let off steam
• Naming the feeling: “It sounds like today was a lot.”
• Keeping evening routines simple and predictable

Not every worried child cries. Some become very quiet, stop playing, or say everything is “fine” while seeming flat. These children can be easy to miss because they cause no trouble.

Gentle ways in

• Play “school” with toys and let your child be the teacher
• Draw a picture of the classroom together
• Share something about your own day first

At this age, children still need grown-ups to help them calm down. Learning words like “frustrated”, “nervous” and “proud” gives them a way to ask for help.

Practise at home

• Feelings faces in picture books
• A “calm corner” with a soft toy and a book
• Simple breathing, like smelling a flower and blowing out a candle

By around age 5, many children take turns in games and follow simple rules. Board games, cooking together and playdates are easy ways to practise.

Simple games that help

• Board games with turns
• Building something together
• Pretend play (shop, doctor, school)
• Simon Says and freeze dance

Being able to do a few things alone helps a child feel capable at school. By around 5, many children can do some buttons and simple chores like clearing the table.

Practise

• Opening lunchbox lids and snack packets
• Putting on a coat and shoes
• Using the bathroom and washing hands
• Packing a bag with you

The AAP suggests watching your child’s development, talking with your pediatrician, asking the preschool teacher for feedback, and trusting your instincts.

The CDC says if a child isn’t meeting milestones, has lost skills, or you have concerns, don’t wait. Talk with your child’s doctor and ask about developmental screening.

Often normal

• Crying at drop-off that stops soon after
• Extra clinginess at bedtime
• Saying “I don’t want to go” some mornings
• Tired, grumpy evenings
• Talking a lot about one worry for a while

Talk with the teacher and doctor if

• Distress at goodbye is still strong after several weeks and not easing
• Your child seems scared or unhappy most of the time
• Sleep, eating or toileting changes don’t settle
• Your child stops playing or seems flat and withdrawn
• Your child loses skills they had before

The AAP notes that separation worries rarely continue every day after the preschool years. If your child doesn’t seem to adjust to being apart, your pediatrician can help you make a plan.

If a child says someone hurt them, touched them in a way they didn’t like, or keeps being mean to them, believe them and act. Stay calm, thank them for telling you, and talk to the school.

The AAP suggests visiting the school or classroom beforehand, going to orientation, and playing on the school playground so it feels familiar. Talk about the good parts, like new friends and toys.

Try

• “What do you think you’ll play first?”
• “Who could you ask if you need help?”
• “What would make the first day feel better?”

“How was school?” often gets “fine” or “I don’t know”. Small, concrete questions are easier for a young child to answer.

Questions that work

• “What made you laugh today?”
• “Who did you sit next to at snack?”
• “What was the hardest part?”
• “If you were the teacher tomorrow, what would you do?”

Playing “school” with soft toys lets a child show you what the day is like. Watch what happens: who is the teacher, who is sad, who helps.

Ideas

• Act out a goodbye with toys, and a happy pick-up
• Draw “my classroom” and talk about the picture
• Read picture books about starting school or feeling shy
• Make a little book of photos: the school, the teacher, the route

Try

• “Brave doesn’t mean not scared. It means doing it anyway.”
• “I always come back.”
• “It’s OK to miss me. I miss you too, and I know you can do it.”
• “Your teacher is there to help you.”

Try to avoid

• “Don’t be a baby.”
• “There’s nothing to be scared of.”
• Promising to stay, then slipping away

The AAP suggests practising short separations before school starts: playdates, time with grandparents or another trusted carer, and practice drop-offs.

A gentle ladder

• A few minutes in another room
• An hour with a grandparent or friend
• A morning at a playdate
• A visit to the classroom with you, then a short time without you

Shifting to an earlier bedtime a week or two before school, with a calming routine and no screens close to bed, helps children start the day rested. Arriving early on the first day lowers stress.

Keep the same

• Wake-up and bedtime
• Breakfast routine
• The goodbye ritual
• Who picks up, and when

Share with the teacher

• A comfort item or phrase that calms them
• Anything big happening at home (a new baby, a move, a loss)
• How your child shows worry
• What they love, so the teacher has a way in

Ask the teacher

• How long after drop-off your child settles
• Who they play with
• What helps them in class
• The best way to stay in touch

Many parents feel a lump in their throat at the classroom door. It’s OK to feel proud and sad at once. Try to save your tears for after you leave, and lean on a friend or partner.

The AAP supports quality early education and extra support for children with additional needs. A visit to the classroom, a picture schedule of the day and a named adult to go to can all help.

A child who doesn’t yet speak the classroom language may go quiet for a while. This is often a normal stage of learning a new language, not a sign of a problem.

What helps

• Teach a few key phrases: “bathroom”, “help”, “my name is…”
• Keep speaking your home language at home; it is a strength
• Ask if any staff speak your language

When school starts at the same time as another big change, a child has more to cope with. Tell the teacher so they can be gentle, and keep home routines as steady as you can.

Children who have lived through upheaval, loss or frightening events may need more time to trust new adults. Predictable routines and a warm, consistent teacher matter even more.