Working with the school when your child won’t go

Share what you know about your child. You are an expert on your child and family, and you are in a partnership with the teacher and other school staff.

School staff can share attendance records, report cards and learning evaluations. They can prepare staff for your child’s return and offer academic, social and emotional supports.

Children miss school for many overlapping reasons, including illness, mental health, bullying, feeling unsafe and family hardship. The best results come from parents, schools and community services working together.

Your child’s doctor can help make a plan for the return and write a note saying your child is able to be in class.

• The classroom or homeroom teacher
• The principal or assistant principal
• The school counselor, psychologist or social worker
• The school nurse
• The 504 or special education coordinator, if your child may need formal supports

“Hi Ms. Lee, I’m writing about Jordan. He’s been finding it very hard to come to school because of anxiety, and he’s missed four days. His doctor has checked him over. We’d like to work with you on a plan to get him back. Could we meet this week?”

Teachers need to know about absences and anxiety so they can support the return. You don’t have to share every detail of your family’s life. Focus on what will help your child at school.

Ask your child what they’d like you to bring up. Older children and teens may want to join part of the meeting.

In the U.S., school attendance is required by law. Each state sets its own ages and rules. In 2017, starting ages ranged from 5 to 8, and ending ages from 16 to 19.

Ask your school or district how they handle absences, so there are no surprises.

Chronic absence includes excused and unexcused absences and suspensions. Missing school is harmful even when a parent or doctor excuses it.

• Ask for a meeting with the right staff
• Explain briefly what’s going on, in writing
• Keep a copy of the letter and your reply
• Share any doctor’s or therapist’s notes
• Show the steps you’re already taking

Doctors are advised not to write notes excusing children from school unless a medical condition truly requires it. A more helpful note says your child can be in class, even with some symptoms.

Write down your questions and put them in order of importance, since time may be short. If you need longer, ask for the last slot of the day or a longer appointment.

• A list of days missed, late starts and early pick-ups
• What mornings look like and what helps
• Any doctor’s or therapist’s letters
• What you think might be behind it
• Your child’s strengths and interests

If both parents or caregivers can’t attend, go over your concerns together first. Many families bring a trusted adult to take notes and help them stay calm.

Aim to leave with clear next steps: who does what, by when, and when you’ll meet again. If not everything is answered, set up a follow-up meeting or call.

• A named adult who greets your child
• Arriving early to avoid a noisy playground
• A peer mentor or buddy
• A small job to start the day

• A quiet or safe space for short breaks
• A nurse plan: care, then back to class
• A signal or card to ask for a break
• A trusted adult to check in with

Accommodations can include reduced assignment length or extra time on tests. Ask teachers to choose the most important missed work and spread it out.

If a bully or a difficult classroom situation is behind the worry, ask for changes in the classroom or playground that reduce the pressure on your child.

Attendance Works offers free Student Attendance Success Plans: a calendar to track attendance and a “Help Bank” to plan ahead for problems, used by families and teachers to set goals together.

What to include

• Who greets your child, where and when
• The starting schedule and when it grows
• Break space and how to ask
• How missed work will be handled
• How and when you’ll hear how it’s going
• A review date

A 504 plan is for students with a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits a major life activity, such as concentrating or sleeping. It aims to remove barriers to learning.

Find your school’s 504 coordinator and send a dated, written request with any supporting documents.

If anxiety or another condition affects learning so much that your child needs specialized teaching, ask in writing for a special education evaluation.

Schools don’t have to hold a meeting for a 504 plan the way they do for an IEP, so you may need to follow up. Your pediatrician can write a letter of support, but the school decides on accommodations.

Graded steps back into school are a core part of treatment. A shortened schedule can be one of those steps, if it grows on a set timeline.

Under U.S. special education law, schools must offer a range of placements for children with disabilities. That range includes home instruction and instruction in hospitals.

Rules for home or hospital teaching outside special education differ by state and district. Ask your school what is available and how a return to class would be planned.

Home can feel like a safe place to hide from worry during school hours. Any home option works best with a clear plan to step back into school.

If the problem is tied to one school, a change can help. If worry is the main driver, it may follow your child. Talk it through with the school team and your child’s therapist.

Note every call, email and meeting: the date, who you spoke to and what was agreed. Keep copies of letters and plans in one folder.

Under the federal privacy law FERPA, parents have the right to see their child’s education records and to ask for them to be corrected. Schools must respond within a reasonable time, and no more than 45 days after the request.

For 504 decisions, public schools must give families notice, a chance to look at relevant records, an impartial hearing, and a way to review decisions.

Nearly 100 Parent Training and Information Centers and Community Parent Resource Centers across the U.S. and its territories help families of children and young people with disabilities, from birth to 26.

Bring the conversation back to your child and the next step. Questions like “What can we try for the next two weeks?” move things forward better than going over who is to blame.

• “Can you help me understand how that would work?”
• “What would you need from me to make this work?”
• “Can we write that down and review it in two weeks?”
• “I’d like to bring this to the counselor too.”

Try to avoid

• “You obviously don’t care about my child.”
• “Fine, we’ll just keep him home.”

If a problem continues, gather information and bring ideas to the next meeting. If you’re still stuck, ask for a meeting with the principal or the district’s 504 or special education office.

After a helpful meeting, send a short thank-you note. Then talk with your child about what was planned.

Therapy focused on a gradual return to school is recommended for children with anxiety or depression who miss school. Some schools offer mental health services on site, which have been linked with better attendance.

The National Parent & Youth Helpline offers free emotional support to parents, caregivers and young people, 24/7, by call, text or chat at 1-855-427-2736.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free and open 24/7: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

In England, the Department for Education has guidance for schools on supporting pupils whose mental health affects their attendance, written for staff and for parents and carers.

Wherever you live, ask your child’s school how they support attendance and wellbeing. Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.