Anger in kids & teens

The American Academy of Pediatrics says tantrums are a normal part of development, happening most between ages 1 and 3, and they usually get better after 3. Young children don’t yet have the self-control or words to express anger calmly, so they may hit, bite or kick.

Children vary a lot. Some have far more tantrums than others, partly because of temperament.

As children grow, they can learn to use words instead of hitting, walk away, or compromise. The AAP suggests teaching these non-physical responses.

Common causes of anger at this age

• Family arguments or changes at home
• Feeling stressed, anxious or afraid
• Friendship problems or bullying
• Schoolwork or test pressure

The teen years bring big changes in the body, brain and relationships, and the NHS notes that puberty hormones can play a part in anger. But NIMH notes that depression in children and teens can show up as irritability rather than sadness.

The CDC says behaviour becomes a concern when it is unusual for the child’s age, lasts over time, or is severe. The AAP advises talking to your pediatrician if a child is unusually aggressive for more than a few weeks.

AAP tips

• Carry a snack when you are out
• Give lots of attention and praise for good behaviour
• Keep routines consistent from day to day
• Offer two small choices, not yes-or-no questions: “Red cup or blue cup?”
• Protect nap and sleep times
• Recognise that some days are just harder

The AAP suggests distraction: moving to a new room, offering a safer toy, or singing a song.

The AAP suggests staying calm, standing back and waiting for tantrums to pass on their own. Arguing or reasoning in the middle of a tantrum rarely helps. Talk about it later, once everyone is calm.

The AAP recommends a zero-tolerance policy for hitting, kicking, biting or throwing. Stop it right away, make clear it is not OK, and move your child out of the situation. If your child is in danger, such as near a street, hold them and keep them safe.

The AAP suggests choosing your battles. Be firm on safety, and more flexible on small things. If your own frustration is rising, take a break and hand over to another adult if you can.

The AAP says that if you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, your child will probably follow your example. Children learn more from what we do than what we say.

Children often act out feelings they can’t yet name. Saying “You seem really frustrated right now” helps them recognise the feeling and feel more in control.

Feeling words to teach

• Frustrated
• Disappointed
• Jealous
• Embarrassed
• Left out
• Worried

The AAP recommends noticing good behaviour and praising it often, including kindness, gentleness and good tries.

The AAP suggests consistent routines, bringing snacks when out, and protecting naps and sleep to set children up for success.

Other ideas

• Offer small choices: “Red cup or blue cup?”
• Give warnings before transitions
• Redirect to another activity when trouble starts
• Choose your battles

The AAP suggests teaching children to say “no” firmly, walk away, or compromise, instead of hitting. Rather than threatening, show them what to do instead.

Calm-down ideas for kids

• “Smell the flower, blow out the candle” breathing
• A calm-down corner with soft toys or books
• Squeezing a pillow or stress ball
• Drawing the angry feeling

The AAP recommends a zero-tolerance policy for hitting, kicking, biting or throwing. Step in calmly, keep everyone safe, and use time-outs as a last resort rather than the first tool.

The AAP advises against spanking, which often increases aggression and anger.

Talk to your pediatrician if

• Your child is unusually aggressive for more than a few weeks
• They injure themselves or others
• They attack adults
• They are sent home or barred from play by school or neighbours
• You fear for the safety of those around them
• You can’t cope with their behaviour on your own

Common causes

• Body and hormone changes during puberty
• Bullying or friendship problems
• Family arguments or changes at home
• Schoolwork or exam stress
• Stress, worry or fear they can’t name

NIMH notes depression in teens can show up as irritability rather than sadness. If anger comes with pulling away, sleep changes or losing interest in things, talk with their doctor.

What helps

• Choose a calm time, not the middle of an argument
• Listen without interrupting
• Stay calm and don’t match their volume
• Ask what they need, rather than telling them how to feel
• Respect a request for a break, then come back to it

The NHS suggests helping young people spot early signs, like a fast heartbeat, tense muscles or clenched fists, so they can make better choices about what to do next.

Coping ideas

• Breathing slowly and deeply
• Calming down in a private place
• Clenching and unclenching fists
• Counting to 10
• Talking to someone they trust
• Walking away

The CDC recommends 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night for teens. The NHS suggests exercise, like walking, jogging or cycling, to ease anger, stress and anxiety.

The NHS suggests praising your child’s efforts, and your own, no matter how small. Noticing when a teen handles anger well builds their confidence to keep trying.

The CDC describes behaviour conditions where children often lose their temper, argue with adults, refuse rules or are aggressive to others, far more than is typical for their age. Ongoing defiance (ODD) usually starts before age 8. More serious rule-breaking and aggression (conduct disorder) often develops in the teen years.

The CDC says risk is higher for children who have lived with violence, neglect or harsh or inconsistent parenting, or whose parents are struggling too.

NIMH describes disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD): long-lasting irritability and anger with frequent, intense temper outbursts. It is more than moodiness, because it is severe and shows up at home, at school and with friends.

NIMH notes that support often includes therapy for the child and teaching parents behaviour management skills.

Cleveland Clinic lists ADHD among conditions linked to chronic anger. Feelings can rise quickly, and the brain’s brakes can be slower. Cleveland Clinic also notes some people with ADHD react strongly to feeling rejected.

NIMH notes that children and teens with depression may be irritable rather than sad. Cleveland Clinic notes anger can mask anxiety and fear.

The VA explains that after trauma, the body’s threat response can get stuck, so everyday stress can set off a big reaction. Children who have seen violence or lived through hard things may show this as anger.

The CDC notes that problems like not following school rules may come from learning difficulties that need their own support.

The AAP says you can give yourself a time-out if you feel out of control, as long as your child is safe. Take a few minutes to breathe, relax or call a friend, then go back to your child.

The AAP says yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame is ineffective and harmful. It recommends teaching right from wrong with calm words and actions, and explaining consequences calmly and firmly.

The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents not to spank or hit children. It says spanking often increases aggression and anger in children, rather than teaching self-control.

Repairing with your child teaches them that relationships can recover, and shows them how to handle their own anger. The AAP suggests apologising once you have cooled down and explaining how you will handle it next time.

Try: “I got really angry and shouted. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry. Next time I’m going to take some deep breaths first.”

Hunger, tiredness and stress make anyone more irritable, including parents. The AAP suggests handing over to another adult when your frustration rises.

For younger children, the CDC says behaviour therapy training for parents has the strongest support. A therapist coaches parents in ways to strengthen the relationship and respond to behaviour.

For school-age children and teens, help often combines training and therapy involving the child, family and school.

Teachers, school counselors and school nurses can share what they see and help plan support at school. The NHS suggests talking to a school nurse if a child’s anger is harmful.

If you are worried you might hurt your child, or you are worried about abuse, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline offers confidential support by call or text at 1-800-422-4453.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries, including lines for young people.