Moving up to middle school

In elementary school, one teacher often knew a child well. In middle school, a student may see six or seven teachers who each know them a little. Some kids love the freedom. Others feel nobody really sees them.

What helps

• Find one teacher, advisor or counselor to check in with
• Learn each teacher’s name and how they like questions asked
• Use one planner for every class

Middle school asks a lot of planning and memory skills that are still growing at this age. Forgetting homework or getting lost in the first weeks is very common.

Simple systems

• Color-coded folders for each subject
• One calendar for every assignment
• A morning checklist on the door
• A set homework spot at home

Fifth graders are often the “big kids” of their school. A few months later, they are the smallest in a building of older students. That sudden drop in status can feel unsettling.

Child Mind Institute experts say middle schoolers may meet vaping and smoking, body comparisons in gym class, and pressure around dating or sexual behavior. They suggest starting conversations about these topics early, ideally in fourth or fifth grade.

Finding somewhere to sit at lunch can feel like the biggest test of the day. Researchers say worries about belonging are especially common at the start of middle school, and that they tend to be temporary.

In one study, sixth graders who learned that these worries are normal, short-lived and that help is available had better attendance, behavior and grades.

Puberty usually begins between 8 and 13 in girls and between 9 and 14 in boys. In one classroom, some kids may look much older and others much younger, which can make everyone self-conscious.

Child Mind Institute experts suggest talking early about body changes and beauty standards, and reminding kids that how their body looks now isn’t how it will look in a few years.

Friendships often shift in middle school, with new friends made and old ones drifting away. Losing a best friend to a new group can hurt as much as a breakup.

What helps

• Naming the loss: “It really hurts when a friend pulls away.”
• Keeping one friendship outside school (a neighbor, a team, a cousin)
• Ending friendships kindly rather than ghosting

Many tweens feel as if everyone notices every mistake, outfit or pimple. In reality, most classmates are busy worrying about themselves. Knowing that can ease the pressure a little.

A student who found elementary school easy may suddenly get lower grades. Often the cause is the new workload and organization, not ability. Without that explanation, kids may decide they are “bad at school”.

Child Mind Institute experts remind kids that they don’t need to be friends with everyone, and that one good connection is enough. Clubs, a different lunch table and outside activities are good places to meet people.

Easy openers

• “What are you doing this weekend?”
• “Did you get what the teacher meant in math?”
• “Do you want to work together on this?”

In 2021–22, 27% of 6th graders, 26% of 7th graders and 25% of 8th graders reported being bullied at school, higher than in high school.

The AAP suggests teaching kids to stay calm, walk away and speak firmly, and to tell a trusted adult.

Group chats can help tweens feel included, but being left out of one can sting. Late-night messages can also cut into sleep, which children this age need plenty of.

Family ideas

• Phones charge outside bedrooms at night
• Agree on what to do if a chat turns mean
• Talk about what’s OK to share and what isn’t

Child Mind Institute experts suggest practising scripts for saying no while keeping friendships, and helping kids notice what feels comfortable or uncomfortable so they can speak up.

Scripts to try

• “Nah, I’m good.”
• “My parents would ground me forever.”
• “I’m not into that. Want to do something else?”

Usually normal

• Being tired and grumpy after school
• Complaining about homework or teachers
• Forgetting things in the first weeks
• Wanting more time alone or with friends
• Some worry about fitting in

Things to notice

• A big drop in grades that doesn’t recover
• Frequent stomachaches or headaches on school days
• Losing interest in things they used to love
• No friends mentioned for weeks, or eating lunch alone
• Not wanting to go to school
• Sleep or appetite changes
• Strong worry about their body, food or weight

Get help now if a tween

• Talks about wanting to die or not being here
• Is hurting themselves
• Says someone is hurting or threatening them

Many tweens talk more easily when they don’t have to make eye contact: in the car, walking the dog, cooking together, or late at night.

Try

• “Who do you sit with at lunch these days?”
• “What’s one thing that’s better than you expected?”
• “What’s the hardest class right now, and why?”
• “Is anyone in your grade having a hard time?”

Jumping in with solutions or calling the school straight away can make tweens stop telling you things. Ask first: “Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?”

Try to avoid

• “That’s nothing, wait until high school.”
• “Just ignore them.”
• “When I was your age…” (at least at first)

Child Mind Institute experts recommend starting talks about sex, substances and boundaries before middle school, and including boys in conversations about boundaries too.

Ideas

• Go to back-to-school or orientation events
• Walk the schedule and find each classroom
• Practise opening the locker
• Find out who to contact at school: an advisor, counselor or teacher

In a study of 1,304 sixth graders, a short activity teaching that middle school worries are common, temporary and that support is available led to fewer discipline referrals, fewer absences and fewer failing grades. It cost about $1.35 per student.

Ways to share it

• Older siblings or cousins telling their own story
• Parents sharing a time they felt like they didn’t fit in
• Schools inviting older students to talk to new 6th graders

Helpful practices

• Advisory or homeroom groups that meet often
• Clubs and activities open to all 6th graders
• Older student mentors or buddies
• Restorative ways of handling conflict
• Recess or movement breaks

Sports teams, scouts, youth groups, music lessons and faith communities give tweens friends and trusted adults outside school. If school friendships are rocky, these can be a lifeline.

Managing many classes and deadlines asks a lot of planning skills. Child Mind Institute experts suggest set routines, a homework space, and tools like a wiggle seat for kids with ADHD.

A study of Latino students found that changes in the ethnic makeup of the school across the move affected how belonging and engagement changed.

The CDC notes that students who experience racism and LGBTQ+ students are more likely to feel less connected at school.

Because puberty can begin anywhere from about 8 to 14, some kids feel very different from their peers. Both early and late development can bring teasing and self-consciousness.