Veterans: family & partners

Try this

1. Talk as a family about what will happen, in words kids can understand.
2. Agree on how and when you will keep in touch.
3. Keep daily routines for meals, school and bedtime.
4. Mark birthdays and holidays with calls, letters or videos.
5. Make a scrapbook, journal or video diary to share later.
6. Find other military families nearby or online.

Readjustment takes time, and new challenges can come up with every reunion, even after earlier deployments. Common stress reactions like poor sleep can have more to do with war than with the family.

Try this

1. Expect a period of adjustment for everyone.
2. Plan small, calm family time before big gatherings.
3. Keep visitors and parties short at first.
4. Give each person some one-on-one time with the returning parent.
5. Keep an eye on sleep and stress reactions, and get help if they last.

While a service member is away, the partner at home often takes on new jobs and feels proud of handling them. Jumping straight back into old roles can cause friction on both sides.

Talk about

• Bills, money and paperwork
• Discipline and house rules for the kids
• Household jobs and who keeps which ones
• How decisions get made now
• What each of you is proud of from the time apart

Parents and others who cared for the service member may slip back into old caregiving habits. The veteran may not need or want care in the same way now. Respecting boundaries helps everyone.

Things you might say

• “I love that you want to help. Right now what helps most is…”
• “I need a quiet weekend first. Can we plan a visit for later?”
• “I’ll tell you more when I’m ready.”

VA notes that some couples face worries about trust or faithfulness after time apart, and may need to talk about their commitment to each other. These talks go better at a calm time, and with a counselor if they get stuck.

If stress reactions don’t improve, get worse, or start to affect home, work or school, it is time to get help. The same is true if anyone at home feels afraid.

VA suggests families agree ahead of time on what to do when symptoms flare. An agreement can cover small daily things too, like a heads-up before guests, or a code word for “I need a break”.

Families often adjust to avoid triggers, like one person always doing the grocery run so their loved one never faces a crowd. It comes from love, but it can keep avoidance going.

Try instead

• Go together, at a quiet time, for a short trip
• Ask: “What part of this could you do with me?”
• Praise small steps, without pushing

Anger skills work on three things: calming your body, choosing a different action (like a time-out, writing it down, or talking instead of acting), and catching the angry thoughts that make everything feel like a threat.

Try

• Agree ahead of time on a time-out: “I need 20 minutes. I’ll be back.”
• Ask yourself: “Is this a real threat, or my survival mode?”
• Come back and repair: “I’m sorry I snapped. Can we try again?”

Numbness can make it hard to feel positive emotions, and partners may feel cut off. Doing caring things anyway, like a hug, a text or showing up for a shared activity, keeps the connection alive while feelings return.

Small ways to stay close

• A short daily check-in: “How was your day, really?”
• One shared activity a week, even a small one
• Saying “I love you” even when it feels flat inside
• Telling your partner when the fog lifts a little

PTSD can affect sex and closeness, especially after sexual trauma. Talking about what feels safe, what is a trigger and how to pause can take a lot of pressure off both of you.

Things to talk about

• A word that means “stop” or “slow down”, no questions asked
• Kinds of touch that feel good right now, and kinds that don’t
• Other ways to feel close on days when sex isn’t right
• What to do if a memory comes up: lights on, sit up, talk, or hold hands

Some VA medical centers run Warrior to Soul Mate, a couples workshop led by VA Chaplain Service. It focuses on communication skills and is education, not therapy. At one VA, the only requirement is that one partner is enrolled in VA health care, and couples where both are veterans are welcome too.

Vet Centers offer free marriage and family counseling for eligible veterans, service members and families. Military OneSource offers free, short-term, confidential counseling for couples too, including honorably discharged veterans and their families for up to 365 days after leaving service (800-342-9647).

Young children may think a parent left because they did something wrong. Stress can show up as clinginess, sleep or toileting changes, thumb sucking, or aches and pains.

What helps

• Extra attention, hugs and physical closeness
• Keep the absent parent present: photos, recorded stories, calls
• Keep war and scary news away from them as much as you can
• Say clearly: “This is not because of anything you did.”

School-age kids may get moody, whiny or aggressive, complain of stomachaches or headaches, or struggle at school.

What helps

• Let them know they can talk about how they feel
• Tell them their feelings are normal
• Don’t force them to talk when they don’t want to
• Keep school, sports and friend time going
• Give their teacher a quiet heads-up if things are hard at home

Teens may act out, withdraw or seem not to care. Some take risks to cope with worry, and some resent new family roles when a parent comes home.

What helps

• Hear and respect their ideas
• Offer outlets like photos, letters, music or making videos
• Reassure and comfort them, even if they act too old for it

If kids hear nothing, they may make up their own, scarier explanations. VA suggests sharing the basics at a level that fits their age, without frightening or graphic details.

Try this

1. Explain simply: “Dad’s brain got stuck on alert from his time in the Army. He’s getting help.”
2. Be clear that they are not to blame.
3. Tell them how they can help, without having to fix anything.
4. Set a regular check-in time for questions.
5. Share hope: treatments work, and your family will get through this together.

If a child’s stress lasts, gets worse, or affects school, sleep or friendships, ask for help. A family therapist can help everyone talk, and kids get a say too.

Partners of people with PTSD often report more stress, less happiness and lower relationship satisfaction. Researchers also study “secondary” or “vicarious” stress, where a loved one’s trauma starts to affect your own sleep, mood and sense of safety.

You might notice

• Always walking on eggshells
• Feeling guilty for wanting time for yourself
• Feeling lonely, even when you are together
• Feeling tense, worn out or numb
• Losing touch with your own friends

• Keep one thing every week that is just yours
• Keep your own health appointments
• Lean on your own friends, family and providers
• Learn about PTSD so symptoms feel less personal
• Move your body and get outside when you can

Limits protect the relationship. They let you keep giving without burning out.

Things you might say

• “I want to hear about it, but not at 2 a.m. Can we talk in the morning?”
• “I’ll go with you to the appointment, but I can’t make the call for you.”
• “I need an hour to myself. I’ll be back for dinner.”

Therapy for yourself is a strong step, not a selfish one. VA suggests family members consider it. Vet Centers counsel eligible families, and some programs offer counseling for caregivers.

The Caregiver Support Line is a free VA line for caregivers of veterans. It can explain the Caregiver Support Program, help you find support and connect you with your local VA caregiver team.

VA’s former Coaching Into Care line, for people worried about a veteran they know, now goes to the Caregiver Support Line. So you can call even if you don’t see yourself as a caregiver.

VA’s Program of General Caregiver Support Services is open to caregivers of veterans enrolled in VA health care, from any service era. It includes skills training and peer support mentoring.

Ask about

• Building Better Caregivers training
• Caregivers FIRST training
• Peer support mentoring with another caregiver
• Respite, so you can rest

The Program of Comprehensive Assistance for Family Caregivers has stricter rules, including a service-connected rating of at least 70%. Caregivers who don’t qualify can use General Caregiver Support instead.

It can include

• At least 30 days of respite care a year (primary caregivers)
• Caregiver training and mental health counseling
• Health coverage through CHAMPVA, if you don’t have other coverage (primary caregivers)
• A monthly stipend (primary caregivers)
• Travel help when you go with the veteran to care

Hidden Heroes, from the Elizabeth Dole Foundation, offers an online community for military and veteran caregivers, plus resources on mental wellness, money, respite and programs for kids.

Other places to connect

• A local caregiver support group through your VA
• A peer support mentor through VA’s Caregiver Support Program
• Give an Hour’s peer support groups for military families

Try this

1. Set up a predictable routine for meals, sleep, school and downtime.
2. Keep one familiar ritual from your old home.
3. Plan something fun that has nothing to do with the move.
4. Ask about youth sponsorship for your kids.
5. Join a class, recreation program or family activity to meet people.

Military OneSource offers free, short-term, confidential counseling for individuals, couples and families, by phone or live chat, 24/7, at 800-342-9647. Honorably discharged and retired service members and their families can use it for 365 days after leaving service.

• Call TAPS any time at 800-959-TAPS (8277) for peer support and grief resources, at no cost.
• Ask a Vet Center about free bereavement counseling: 1-877-927-8387.
• Talk about your loved one. Saying their name can help.
• Be gentle with anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. Plan for them.

• Board games or card games
• Cooking a family recipe together
• A movie night with a film everyone picks in turn
• Building something: a model, a birdhouse, a puzzle
• Gardening or yard projects

Movement and time outside help drain stress. Quiet places and times can make outings easier when crowds are hard.

• Early-morning walks or bike rides
• Fishing, hiking or camping
• A picnic at a quiet park
• Joining a veteran outdoor or fitness group, like Team Red, White & Blue, as a family

1. Pick one weekly family time, like Sunday breakfast.
2. Let each person choose the activity in turn.
3. Agree on a plan B if it gets too much: leave early, step outside, no hard feelings.
4. Take one photo to remember it.

Vet Centers offer free, confidential individual, group, marriage and family counseling for eligible veterans, service members and their families. The Vet Center Call Center is open 24/7 at 1-877-927-8387, and its staff includes veterans and family members of veterans.

• Caregiver Support Line: 855-260-3274 (weekdays, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET)
• Military OneSource (within 365 days of leaving service): 800-342-9647, 24/7
• Vet Center Call Center: 1-877-927-8387, 24/7

Most people with PTSD are never violent. But conflict can grow, and partners or kids can become afraid. If that is happening, reach out early.

• Emergency: 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, 24/7
• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255

Many countries have their own veterans’ services and family helplines. Find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. Military OneSource also lists ways to call from overseas.