Deployment & coming home as a family

VA notes that news of a deployment often brings a short burst of strong feelings like fear and anger. Spouses may feel confused, stressed or resentful.

As the leaving date gets closer, partners may feel distant, argue more or withdraw. This is a common way of bracing for the goodbye, not a sign the relationship is in trouble.

Sadness, loneliness and anger are normal, and some days are harder than others. Worry, extra duties and handling problems alone are common.

Many families settle into a routine and discover new strengths and friendships. Tiredness can build toward the end. Mark the halfway point with something fun.

A happy honeymoon stretch often follows the homecoming, and it usually doesn’t last. That is normal.

Military OneSource calls the first several weeks home “disruption”. Routines, roles and closeness all need resetting, and it can feel stressful.

Settling into a new rhythm can take months, sometimes the first year. Timelines are different for each person in the family.

Get legal affairs in order before leaving. A military legal assistance office can help draft documents like a power of attorney at no cost.

Ask about

• A power of attorney, so your partner or caregiver can act for you
• A will, and where it is kept
• Life insurance beneficiaries
• Updated emergency contacts

Single parents and dual-military couples need an official family care plan that names who will care for the children, and it must be kept up to date. A power of attorney for the caregiver is part of it.

A good plan covers

• A backup caregiver
• Contacts: relatives, neighbors, doctors and unit contacts
• Daily routines, school times and activities
• Family rules for bedtime, chores and discipline
• Health needs, allergies and appointments
• How money will be handled
• Where important papers and ID cards are

Agree on a budget and how to use any special or incentive pay. Military OneSource suggests setting a savings goal, and keeping an emergency fund for surprises.

• Check military IDs and DEERS records are current
• Confirm health care enrollment
• Update emergency contacts
• Organize the household: car, repairs, bills

VA suggests explaining where the parent is going, how long they will be away and how you will stay in touch, in words that fit each child’s age.

Ideas

• A countdown chain or jar for younger kids
• Recording bedtime stories before leaving
• A special photo or keepsake for each child
• Letting kids help plan how you’ll keep in touch

• Agree on how often you hope to talk, and that missed calls are not a sign something is wrong
• Keep a shared list of things to tell each other
• Mix calls with letters, photos, videos and voice notes
• Write down time zones and best times to call

• Don’t post departure or return dates. Use a private code if you need to.
• Don’t share locations: yours or the service member’s.
• Don’t share news about injuries or deaths in the unit. Official notification follows strict rules.
• Turn off location tagging and keep social media private.
• Keep your home looking lived-in: hold or reroute mail, and use lights.

Many couples wonder how much to share about problems at home. Staying honest builds trust. It also helps to have other people to lean on at home, so your partner is not your only support for every worry.

Questions to agree on before leaving

• What would you want to know right away?
• What can wait for a good moment?
• Who should I call for help with the house, the car or the kids?

• Postcards, texts, videos and voice recordings
• Sharing school news and artwork
• Keeping the absent parent part of birthdays and holidays
• Recorded storytime through United Through Reading

Keep daily routines for meals, bedtime, chores and homework. Building a few new family traditions during the deployment helps everyone stay engaged.

Journals, drawing, letters or videos give kids a way to share feelings. Accept their feelings and remind them they are normal.

• Start with one small healthy habit
• Arrange babysitting for some time of your own
• Check in regularly with friends and family
• Get outside, join a group or try a class

Extensions happen. Your installation’s Military and Family Support Center can connect you with emergency financial help, childcare and other services, and Military and Family Life Counselors offer free, confidential counseling.

Join family readiness activities and unit or installation events. Talking with other families in the same situation can be a lifeline.

Some people love a big welcome. Others want a small, quiet first day. Military OneSource suggests telling friends and relatives if you’d prefer a smaller gathering.

Travel and mission delays can move the homecoming. Keep loved ones updated in case the arrival is earlier or later than planned.

Avoid overscheduling the first days and weeks, and leave time for debriefings and rest.

It can be tempting to celebrate with big purchases. Special pays and allowances end after deployment, so review your budget first.

Military OneSource advises keeping alcohol low after homecoming, because heavy drinking can confuse thinking and push feelings down.

Talk with kids about what the return will be like. Some will rush to the returning parent and others may hang back at first. Both are OK.

• Sleep and quiet time come first
• Small family moments over big outings
• One-on-one time with your partner and with each child
• Let feelings be what they are

The partner at home has been running things and may feel proud of it, and also tired or even resentful about carrying so much. Hand roles back slowly, and talk about what each of you wants to keep.

Talk about

• Bills and money
• House rules and discipline
• Household jobs
• What is working, and what isn’t

Adjustment can take weeks to months. Keep checking in, and focus on what is going well. Gratitude can lower stress and build connection.

• Review the budget now that special pays have ended
• Update powers of attorney and wills
• Check life insurance beneficiaries
• Update the family care plan

Kids may act out or have emotional outbursts as the family resets. Teens may resist new family roles when a parent returns. Patience, open talk and one-on-one time help.

Talking openly about your experiences and how you’ve changed rebuilds trust. Some couples face hard questions about trust and commitment after time apart, and may need to talk them through, with help if needed.

The Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program, created by Congress in 2008, holds events for Guard and Reserve members and families before, during and after deployments. They connect you with local information on health care, education, jobs, and money and legal benefits.

The Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act (USERRA) protects employed Guard and Reserve members who are called to active duty. Meeting with your supervisor before you return, and thanking coworkers who covered for you, can ease the way back.

• Pay goes back to monthly drill pay, and the combat zone tax exclusion ends
• Some Servicemembers Civil Relief Act protections end 30 to 90 days after release
• Health coverage options change after deactivation, so check TRICARE’s reserve options
• Update ID cards and family details in DEERS

Military OneSource counseling and support are open to Guard and Reserve members and their families whatever their activation status. Vet Centers also serve Guard and Reserve members and families.

Our Military Kids funds activities for children of deployed Guard and Reserve members.

Combat stress can show up as irritability, anger outbursts, a lot of fear, or headaches. For recent veterans, VA notes that sleep problems, feeling disconnected, and sexual problems seem to be the hardest on relationships.

• Depression or pulling away from family
• Drinking or drug use increasing
• Flashbacks, numbness or always being on guard
• Stress reactions that don’t ease, or get worse

Partners and kids are affected by a service member’s stress reactions. The at-home parent’s wellbeing and the returning service member’s both shape how the whole family copes.

VA notes that some families report shouting, shoving or kids feeling afraid after deployment. If that is happening, reach out early.

• Emergency: 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
• Military Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255

Free, short-term, confidential counseling for individuals, couples and families, plus relationship and financial consultations and help finding local support. Guard and Reserve families are eligible whatever their activation status.

Free, confidential counseling for deployment adjustment, reintegration, relationships and stress, including counselors for children and youth. Sessions are not reported to the command, with some safety exceptions.

Free, confidential individual, group, marriage and family counseling for eligible veterans, service members, including Guard and Reserve, and their families.

The Veterans & Military Crisis Line lists regional numbers for Europe, the Pacific, the Middle East, Africa and South America on its website, and DSN 988 on base. Military OneSource lists overseas calling options. For local helplines, visit findahelpline.com.