Who am I without the uniform?

The researchers called this clash “warring identities”. It is not a weakness in you. It is what happens when someone fully trained for one world is dropped into another with opposite rules.

Some of the switches

• From “we” to “I”: deciding for yourself, not for the unit
• From being told the plan to making your own
• From keeping feelings in to being expected to share them
• From rank and role everyone can see to starting over unknown

Veterans in the study felt that civilian culture understood little about their experience, and that this made coming home harder.

Leaving can mean losing a role, a team and a version of yourself all at once. Feeling sad, lost or angry about that is a normal part of a huge change. Naming what you miss shows you what to rebuild.

Most veterans often felt proud of their service in their first years out. Discipline, loyalty, courage and looking out for others are still yours. The setting changed, not the person.

You may feel proud and lost at the same time, or caught between being military and being civilian. Start with “Building a wider identity” below.

Work in service often had clear stakes. In a national study, veterans with a stronger sense of purpose in life reported more growth after trauma.

Post-9/11 veterans were much more likely than earlier veterans to say they often struggled with the lack of structure. Veterans with post-traumatic stress were especially likely to struggle with it.

About 1 in 3 veterans felt disconnected from family or friends at least sometimes after leaving. Feeling socially connected is linked with better wellbeing and less distress.

Feeling proud of having served was linked with more social connection and better wellbeing. You don’t have to let go of your service to move forward.

When one role is your whole identity, losing it can feel like losing everything. Adding roles, like parent, friend, student, neighbor, coach or maker, gives you more to stand on.

Small experiments

• Join a club where nobody knows your rank
• Learn a skill that has nothing to do with the military
• Say yes to one invitation from a civilian friend
• Try one class, one volunteer shift or one team practice

VA’s Whole Health approach starts by asking “What matters to you?”, not only what is wrong. Naming your values gives you a direction that no job or role change can take away.

Ask yourself

• What did I love most about serving?
• Where can I live those values this month?
• Which values do I want people to see in me?

Practice a one-line introduction that includes who you are now, not only who you were. For example: “I was an Army mechanic for six years. Now I coach my daughter’s soccer team and I’m learning welding.”

Big tasks, like a benefits claim or a job search, feel lighter in small steps. VA suggests breaking tasks down into small, doable chunks and writing things down.

Some veterans fill every hour so memories can’t catch up. A good routine includes rest, people and fun, not just tasks.

VA Whole Health looks at areas like moving your body, sleep and recharging, food and drink, family and friends, personal growth, and spirit and soul. Checking each area can show where your routine needs attention.

Peer support groups can help you feel connected, make friends and practice asking for help. Many VA facilities have Peer Specialists, veterans with their own recovery experience. Vet Centers can point you to local groups.

Feeling that only other veterans understand you was linked with feeling less connected overall. Adding even one civilian circle, like a club, faith group or sports team, widens your support.

• Go once, and decide later if you’ll go back
• Bring a buddy the first time
• Choose an activity, so you don’t have to just talk
• Pick a group that meets regularly, so faces become familiar

A regular call or group chat with people you served with can keep an important bond alive while you build new ones. New friendships don’t have to match the old ones to matter.

• Check on a veteran you haven’t heard from
• Cook a meal for someone who is struggling
• Fix something for a neighbor
• Help at a food bank or shelter for one shift
• Teach someone a skill you’re good at

VA Whole Health uses a Personal Health Inventory to start conversations about your hopes and goals. Courses like “Taking Charge of My Life and Health” are taught by VA staff and veteran peers.

In a national study, 72% of veterans who screened positive for PTSD reported at least moderate growth after trauma.

Being the one who keeps everyone safe can become your whole job at home. Families also need you to laugh, play, listen and share the small stuff.

VA suggests families keep planning activities together, making them easier with smaller groups, shorter outings or a slower pace.

VA advises choosing your support people and not being afraid to ask them clearly for what you need.

Keeping a regular schedule, with people and activity in it, helps protect your mood. VA suggests social support, staying connected, and volunteer or group activities for older adults with PTSD.

Mentoring a younger veteran, coaching or teaching can give a strong sense of purpose in later life. It also keeps you connected to people of different ages.

Researchers describe older veterans revisiting their wartime years to find meaning and make sense of their lives. For many, this can be part of aging well.

• Ask what they miss about the military, and what they don’t
• Don’t ask if they killed anyone
• Let them choose how much to share
• Notice their skills and say so

Pulling away is a common reaction after trauma and big changes. Gentle, repeated invitations to small things, like a walk or a game, keep the door open.

Clubs, faith groups and workplaces can help by giving veterans real responsibility and a team to belong to. Social connection is linked with better wellbeing for veterans.

• Drinking or drug use going up
• Feeling hopeless, worthless or like a burden
• Pulling away from almost everyone
• Sleep, mood or anger problems that don’t ease
• Thoughts of death or suicide

• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, text 838255, or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net
• Anyone in the U.S. can call or text 988
• If a life is in danger, call 911

You don’t have to be enrolled in VA benefits or health care to use the Veterans Crisis Line.

• Talk with a fellow combat veteran 24/7: Vet Center Call Center, 877-927-8387
• Recently separated? Military OneSource: 800-342-9647, 24/7, for up to 365 days after leaving service
• Apply for VA health care: 877-222-8387 (weekdays)

The Veterans Crisis Line chat works from anywhere with internet, and its website lists numbers for calling from overseas. You can also find a free local helpline at findahelpline.com.