Resilience, hope & gratitude

APA is clear that being resilient doesn’t mean you won’t feel stress, grief or distress. Many resilient people feel these deeply. What helps is having ways to get through.

Resilience can look like

• Asking for help
• Crying, then making a plan
• Having bad days and good days at the same time
• Taking a break before trying again

APA describes resilience as behaviors, thoughts and actions anyone can learn and build. Like a muscle, it can grow with practice and support.

APA puts relationships first in its advice on building resilience. Caring, trustworthy people who accept your feelings are one of the strongest supports in hard times.

In the review of 54 studies, about one in ten people had lasting struggles after a potentially traumatic event, and some had struggles that showed up later. Ongoing hardship like poverty, unsafe homes or discrimination needs real support and change, not just personal grit.

APA suggests putting relationships first: spend time with people who are caring, trustworthy and accept your feelings, and let them help you. Joining a civic, faith-based or local group can also bring support, purpose and hope.

Small ways to start

• Name two people you could call on a bad day
• Say yes to one invitation this month
• Let someone help with a practical task
• Try a club, class, faith or cultural group

APA notes that good food, sleep, water and exercise help your body cope with stress. Mindful practices such as journaling, yoga, meditation or prayer can help you focus on what’s going well.

APA also warns against “negative outlets.” Using alcohol or drugs to numb pain may feel like relief, but it doesn’t deal with the problem underneath.

Ideas

• Protect a regular bedtime during hard weeks
• Take a 10-minute walk when stress builds
• Keep water nearby
• Notice what you reach for when upset, and swap in something kinder

APA suggests helping others, being proactive (accept your feelings, then ask “What can I do about this?”), breaking big problems into small steps, and moving toward realistic goals bit by bit.

Many people find they grow stronger after hardship and value their relationships more. Looking for that kind of self-discovery can help, without pretending the hard thing was good.

For more on finding purpose, see the Career, identity & purpose guide.

You can’t always change what happens, but you can change how you read it. APA suggests keeping things in perspective (noticing catastrophizing and swapping in more balanced thoughts), accepting what can’t be changed, and keeping a hopeful outlook.

Questions to ask yourself

• What got me through a hard time before?
• What part of this can I control, and what can’t I?
• What small sign of improvement can I notice today?
• Will this matter in a year? In five years?

Stress reappraisal does not ask you to calm down or pretend you are relaxed. It asks you to keep the energy and change the story: “My heart is pumping more blood so I can think and move faster.”

Right before a big moment

1. Notice the signals: fast heart, warm face, fluttery stomach.
2. Name them: “This is my body getting ready.”
3. Add the meaning: “It shows this matters to me.”
4. Point the energy: “Let me use it for my first sentence / first move.”

We rarely feel stressed about things that don’t matter to us. Asking “Why does this stress me?” often points back to a value: caring about family, doing good work, being a good friend.

Ask yourself

• What does this stress tell me I care about?
• What part of this can I learn from?
• What would I tell a friend facing the same thing?

Most of these studies looked at short, one-off challenges like tests, speeches or puzzles, and measured results soon afterwards. We know much less about whether a new stress mindset helps with long-term stress.

Ongoing stress from things like money problems, caring for a sick family member, unsafe homes or discrimination needs real support and change, not just a new way of thinking about it. For how stress works in the body, see the “Psychology basics: big ideas” guide. For long-term overload, see the Understanding burnout guide.

In hope theory, a goal gives hope something to aim at, pathways are the plans you create to get there, and agency is the thinking that gets you started and keeps you going, especially when you need to switch to a new route.

In one study of 107 college students, the “I can keep going” part (agency) predicted who reached their exercise goals, while simply having plans did not. Small study, but it suggests that keeping your energy and belief going matters.

Build each part

• Goal: choose one clear thing you want
• Paths: list at least two ways to get there, in case one is blocked
• Agency: remind yourself of a time you kept going, and write a short “I can” line

In this exercise, you write about the best version of yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it reasonably could. Many studies also ask people to picture it for about five minutes afterward.

A 2019 review of 29 studies (2,909 people) found it gave small-to-moderate boosts to wellbeing and optimism, and a larger boost to positive feelings. Most participants were university students, few studies checked results after three months, and the effects on low mood were small.

How to do it

1. Pick an area: relationships, health, school or work, or life in general.
2. Imagine it is a few years from now and you have worked hard and things went well.
3. Write for 10–15 minutes about what that life looks like. Be specific.
4. Close your eyes and picture it for a few minutes.
5. Ask: what is one small step toward this I could take this week?

Harvard Health suggests interrupting negative thinking loops by turning on music, reading something you love or talking with a friend. It also suggests keeping a journal of good events and thinking about how to make them happen again.

More ideas from Harvard Health

• Make small, local changes instead of worrying about huge world problems
• Treat yourself with compassion and let go of past mistakes
• Practice mindfulness: notice the present without judging

Optimism isn’t about pretending everything is fine. A Harvard Medical School psychologist argues that seeing a situation realistically is better than forcing an artificial optimism. Pessimists filter out good news; extreme optimists filter out bad news.

What seems to help most is trusting that you can handle whatever happens, rather than expecting it will all turn out well.

Cleveland Clinic suggests writing three things each entry and adding details so you can relive the moment. You don’t have to write every day.

How to start

• Add details so you can relive the moment
• Try writing before bed to shift your mind toward good things
• Write down three things each entry, even small ones like hot water or a kind text
• Write every other day if daily feels like too much

In this exercise from a well-known 2005 study, people wrote down three things that went well each day, and what caused them, for one week. They reported more happiness at check-ins up to six months later.

How to do it

1. Set aside about 10 minutes, for example at bedtime.
2. Write three things that went well today. Small is fine.
3. For each, write what happened and how it felt.
4. Write why you think it happened.
5. Repeat every day for at least a week.

Think of someone who did something for you that you never properly thanked. Write them a letter about what they did and how it affected your life. Then, if you can, read it to them in person or by phone or video.

In the same 2005 study, writing and delivering a gratitude letter gave the biggest happiness boost of the exercises tested one month later, though the effect faded by six months. Repeating it from time to time may help.

Harvard Health suggests keeping a journal of good events and thinking about how to make them happen again. Pausing to notice a good moment while it is happening is a simple way to start.

Ideas

• Notice one good taste, sound or view each day
• Share good news with someone, and let yourself enjoy it
• Take a photo of something that made you smile
• Say “thank you” out loud and mean it

Many of these studies involved mostly white, college-educated adults. Some studies found smaller benefits for people from more community-centered cultures, and some people felt more guilt or indebtedness after writing gratitude letters.

Other ways to practice

• A gratitude prayer or blessing, if faith is part of your life
• Giving back to people or a community that helped you
• Saying thanks as a family at a shared meal
• Simply noticing good things, without writing

In a hard moment, it can be hard to think of who to reach out to. Deciding ahead of time makes it easier to ask.

Try this

• Name two people you could call on a bad day
• Save their numbers as favorites
• Tell them: “You’re one of my people. Can I call you when things are hard?”
• Offer to be that person for them too

Giving to others can create positive feelings and a sense of reward, give you purpose and self-worth, and help you feel connected.

Ideas

• Ask a friend how they are, and really listen
• Help with a project or chore
• Spend time with someone who could use company
• Thank someone who has helped you
• Volunteer at a school, food bank or community center

APA notes that joining civic, faith-based or other local groups can give social support and help bring back a sense of hope.

Ideas

• A faith community or cultural center
• A peer support group for what you’re going through
• A sports team, choir or walking group
• A volunteer group

Hope, as psychologists study it, includes having ways forward and the belief that you can keep going. Others can help with both: by suggesting a new path, and by reminding you of times you kept going.

Ways to share it

• Ask someone who got through something similar how they did it
• Remind a friend of a hard time they came through
• Swap “good things this week” with a friend or family

SAMHSA suggests reassuring people that you care, expressing support, and listening when hard topics come up.

Try saying

• “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “Do you want to talk, or would a distraction help?”
• “That sounds so hard. It makes sense you feel this way.”

Realistic hope works better than forced cheer. A Harvard psychologist argues that seeing a situation clearly, and trusting you can cope, is more helpful than artificial optimism.

Try to avoid

• “At least…”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just be grateful for what you have.”
• “You’re so strong, you’ll be fine.”

APA suggests letting others help in hard times. Practical help lightens the load so people have more energy to cope.

Ideas

• “Can I bring dinner on Tuesday?”
• “I’m going to the store. What can I pick up?”
• “Want me to come with you to that appointment?”
• “I can watch the kids for an hour.”

APA suggests asking what got you through hard times before. You can gently help a friend remember their own past coping and strengths.

Try asking

• “What helped you last time things were this hard?”
• “Who else could be on your team right now?”
• “What’s one small thing that might help today?”

NIMH suggests professional help when problems like losing interest in things, trouble sleeping or struggling with daily tasks last two weeks or more. Warning signs that need help right away include talking about wanting to die, feeling hopeless or trapped, or feeling like a burden.

Supporting someone through a long hard time can wear you down. Keep your own routines and joys going, and lean on other people too. You can care deeply without carrying it all.