Women’s friendships & loneliness

The U.S. Surgeon General links strong social connection with longer life and better physical and mental health. Being socially disconnected carries health risks similar to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

Researchers proposed that women’s behaviour under stress is often marked by protecting and caring for others (tending) and building and keeping social ties (befriending).

This can be a real strength. It can also mean that when friends aren’t there, stress has nowhere to go.

Friendships aren’t just support systems. Shared jokes, hobbies and adventures are part of what makes life feel good.

New mothers often feel cut off from friends without children, and unsure how to fit in with other parents. Days can be full of people and still feel lonely.

Caregiving can take every spare hour. Friends may stop asking, or you may stop answering, because there’s nothing left to give.

Even a two-minute voice note to a friend keeps a thread alive until you have more time.

When you’re tracking appointments, meals, birthdays and work deadlines, friends can slide to the bottom of the list. Your friendships are a need, not a luxury.

Moving means starting again. Research suggests it takes many hours of time together to build a friendship, so it can take a year or more to feel at home.

It’s common to see friends less in a new relationship. But if a partner discourages or controls who you see, that can be a warning sign.

Older women often outlive partners and friends. Losing your people can bring both grief and loneliness.

Being the one who listens, organises and holds it together can leave you feeling alone with your own struggles.

Try

• Answer “How are you?” honestly with one trusted friend
• Ask for one specific thing, like a call or a walk
• Notice who asks about you, and lean in there

Online contact can keep friendships going, but it rarely replaces deeper talks. One or two close friends often matter more than a big circle.

A partner can’t meet every need. Friends offer different kinds of closeness and perspective.

Exclusion stings, even when there’s an innocent reason. Before deciding what it means, try asking gently, or simply invite people yourself next time.

A culture that pits women against each other can seep into friendships. Envy is a normal human feeling. It can tell you what you want, without needing to harm the friendship.

Questions to ask

• Do I feel better or worse after seeing this friend?
• Can we celebrate each other’s good news?
• Is it the friend, or something inside me that needs care?

Some friends lean on you heavily without giving back. If you often feel drained, used or unseen, it’s okay to step back or set limits.

Unhealthy patterns can happen in friendships, not only romantic relationships. You deserve friends who are kind to you.

Fading friendships often come from life changes, not lack of love. You can let a friendship rest without deciding it was never real.

Sudden endings can leave you replaying what went wrong. Writing a letter you never send can help you say what you need to.

Research suggests people appreciate being reached out to more than we expect, especially when it’s a surprise.

A simple “I’ve been thinking of you” can open a door, without pressure.

Ideas

• Book clubs, choirs and craft groups
• Faith communities and cultural centres
• Parent groups and school events
• Running, hiking or dance groups
• Volunteering for a cause you care about

In 13 experiments with more than 5,900 people, those who reached out underestimated how much others would appreciate it.

If someone says no, it’s usually about their busy life, not about you.

Closeness grows step by step. A friend who listens kindly to small things is more likely to be safe with bigger things.

Ideas

• A monthly dinner
• A Sunday walk
• A shared TV show to text about
• A yearly trip or birthday tradition

Saying “That hurt, can we talk?” or “I’m sorry I missed it” can bring you closer. Friendships that survive a rough patch often grow stronger.

Friends without children may feel left behind; mothers may feel too busy to call. Saying out loud that you miss each other can bridge the gap.

In a 2022 CDC study, more than half of bisexual adults reported loneliness, the highest of any sexual orientation group.

LGBTQ+ community centres, groups and events can be places to find people who get it.

Leaving family and friends behind can be very lonely. Cultural associations, faith groups and language classes can connect you with people who share your story.

Online groups, smaller meetups and friends who understand your needs can make connection easier. You deserve friendships that fit your life.

Ideas

• Invite her along, even if she said no last time
• Send a message just to say you’re thinking of her
• Notice if she’s pulled away, and gently ask how she is

Hosting a simple get-together, starting a walking group or creating a group chat can give others the connection they’ve been hoping for too.

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Free, confidential support if a partner is controlling who you see or making you feel unsafe.