Honour, shame & family reputation: what women carry

For many people, honour means keeping your word, caring for elders, and being someone others can trust. These are values worth keeping, and nothing in this guide asks you to give them up.

Karma Nirvana describes honour-based abuse as controlling people to make them behave in certain ways, driven by the belief that they have brought, or may bring, shame on the family.

It can start early in the family home, and it often involves several family members, not just one person.

Many women grow up hearing this question in some form. It teaches you to watch yourself through other people’s eyes all the time.

A review of 108 studies found that this outward kind of shame, judging yourself by how others see you, had the strongest link with low mood.

UK guidance says honour-based abuse can happen in any community where men are in a position to set and enforce how women behave. It names communities from many parts of the world, and says its list is not complete.

Karma Nirvana says honour-based abuse can happen in any community, regardless of faith or background.

Choosing how to dress for your faith or culture is a freedom. Being forced, threatened or punished over clothes or make-up is different. UK guidance lists “inappropriate” dress or make-up among the things used to justify honour-based abuse.

Police Scotland lists having your phone or internet use stopped, and being kept away from friends, among the forms honour-based abuse can take.

Police Scotland describes movements being controlled, and being kept at home with no freedom, as forms of honour-based abuse.

Dating, leaving a marriage, or loving someone of another faith or the same gender are common “reasons” given for honour-based abuse.

UK safeguarding guidance lists being taken out of school, persistent absences, and not returning from a trip abroad among possible signs of honour-based abuse.

UK guidance notes that gossip or rumour, whether true or not, can be enough for a family to feel “shamed”.

Karma Nirvana says most people they support face abuse from several people at once, such as parents, siblings and extended family.

Women relatives may support or encourage the abuse, and younger relatives are sometimes pushed into carrying it out.

• Being forced to marry, or taken abroad
• Being kept at home or from friends
• Emotional, financial, physical or sexual abuse
• Having documents like a passport taken
• Phone and internet taken away
• Threats, including threats of violence

• A sudden drop in grades, focus or motivation
• Being taken out of school, or missing it often
• Being watched by siblings or cousins at school
• Not coming back from a trip abroad
• Seeming changed, low or withdrawn

No single sign proves abuse. A pattern of control is what to notice.

Police Scotland warns that honour-based abuse can lead to people being killed. Karma Nirvana says people at risk face abuse from more people and are at greater risk of serious harm.

Reach out quickly if

• A trip abroad is being planned that worries you
• There is talk of a wedding you did not agree to
• You have been threatened
• Your passport or ID has been taken

Many women keep parts of their lives secret to stay safe or keep the peace. Living like this can be exhausting. Always watching what you say, wear and post keeps the body on alert.

Shame that comes from how others see you is the kind most strongly linked with low mood in research.

It can help to ask: “Is this my shame, or did someone hand it to me?” You can set down what was never yours to carry.

Many survivors feel deep loyalty to their family and community. Prosecutors’ guidance notes that this loyalty can make people reluctant to seek help.

Teens facing restrictions on their choice of partner had more than twice the odds of frequent body symptoms like headaches, stomach-aches and trouble concentrating.

In a UK study of South Asian women, family pressures including izzat added to distress, and some women only reached services when things felt desperate.

Telling anyone can feel like the very shame you were warned about. This keeps many women silent for years. Asking for help is not betrayal. It is a way of protecting your life and, often, your family’s future too.

Being cut off, disowned or talked about is a real fear. Specialist helplines can talk through options with you confidentially, and you can stay anonymous.

Some women worry that outsiders will judge their whole culture or faith. Specialist helplines are open to everyone, whatever their age, gender, sexuality or faith, and calls are confidential.

You don’t have to be sure it is “abuse” to reach out. Karma Nirvana’s helpline is for anyone unsure whether what they are going through is honour-based abuse.

Faith traditions around the world teach the worth and dignity of every person. Many women draw on their faith to resist control, and many faith leaders speak out against abuse.

UK guidance tells professionals never to put culture or religion above a person’s safety and welfare.

Survivors, mothers, fathers, brothers and faith voices in many communities are working to end honour-based abuse. In the UK, Karma Nirvana was set up in 1993 as the first specialist charity for victims and survivors.

• Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in
• Hold something cool, like a glass of water
• Name five things you can see and four you can hear
• Press your feet into the floor and notice the ground

Try replacing “I am shameful” with “I am a person with feelings and dreams, and I deserve respect.” Repeat it quietly when you feel small.

Even one person who believes you can make a huge difference. Choose someone who will not pass what you share back to your family before you’re ready.

Food, music, prayer, festivals and language can stay a source of joy. Rejecting control does not mean rejecting who you are.

The Tahirih Justice Center suggests using an anonymous email account, or a device only you control, when contacting them.

Being denied documents like a passport or birth certificate is a recognised form of honour-based abuse.

If you can do so safely, keep a photo or copy of your ID somewhere private.

UK guidance tells professionals not to attempt mediation, approach family or community leaders, or use family members as interpreters, because this can put the person in more danger.

Some people are taken abroad under a false reason and have their passport taken. The “Forced marriage” guide has a full travel safety plan.

• Reassure them about confidentiality
• See them straight away, not “some other time”
• Speak with them alone, never with family present
• Take what they say seriously

Let them lead on what happens next, unless a life is in danger. Thank them for trusting you.

• Don’t approach their family or community leaders
• Don’t share what they told you without their consent
• Don’t try to mediate or “talk it out” with relatives
• Don’t use relatives as interpreters

Specialist helplines support friends, family and professionals as well as people at risk. You can call for advice yourself.