The hidden grief of moving often

Some people were part of your daily life for years, then gone. Some you never saw again. For a child, that can feel enormous.

You may miss the smell of rain in one city or the sound of a market in another. Places hold memories, and losing them is a real loss.

Pets left behind, toys given away, a bedroom you loved. These losses can be just as painful as bigger ones, especially for children.

A language you stop speaking, a role you had at school, the version of you that lived there. Losing these can feel like losing part of yourself.

People may only see travel, adventure and opportunity. Feeling sad can then feel ungrateful. You can be thankful for your life and still grieve what it cost.

Moves are busy. Families are packing, starting jobs, finding schools. There may be no space to stop and feel the loss before you have to fit in somewhere new.

Deaths have funerals and cards. Moves rarely have rituals that say “this mattered, and it is over”. Without them, grief can stay unfinished.

One move may seem manageable. Five or ten moves, each with dozens of goodbyes, can add up to a lot of loss that was never named.

Boss suggests thinking “both/and” instead of “either/or”. This is less stressful than searching for a perfect answer.

Examples

• “That place is part of me, and I live here now.”
• “I miss my old friends, and I can make new ones.”
• “I was lucky, and I lost a lot.”

Ambiguous losses may not have closure. They can still be acknowledged and supported, by people you trust or by a professional.

List each move and what you lost: people, places, pets, roles. Seeing it on paper can explain feelings you have carried for years.

You can write to a place or person you never properly said goodbye to. You don’t have to send it. Say thank you, say what you miss, say goodbye.

• Light a candle and look through old photos
• Cook a meal from that place and share stories
• Plant something for a place you miss
• Visit, if you can, and say goodbye as an adult

Many TCKs feel they belong most with other globally mobile people. Sharing stories with others who moved a lot can make grief feel less lonely.

Grieving a place doesn’t mean letting go of it completely. Keep the language, the food, the music. They are yours.

• “It makes sense that you miss them.”
• “That was a big loss.”
• “Tell me about your friend there.”
• “You don’t have to be okay with this yet.”

• “At least you got to live abroad.”
• “You’ll forget about them soon.”
• “It’s just a move.”
• “Other kids have it much worse.”

Children take their cues from the adults around them. Saying “I’ll miss this place too” shows them grief is allowed.

If you are having thoughts of suicide or are in emotional distress, trained crisis counselors are there any time of day or night.

Text with a trained volunteer from anywhere in the U.S. In Canada text 686868, and in the UK text 85258.

Find A Helpline is a free directory of confidential helplines by chat, text or phone, and is recommended by the International Association for Suicide Prevention.

Free, short-term, confidential counseling for service members and their families. From overseas, use the international calling options on the Military OneSource site.