Adult children of abusive parents

Many survivors notice an inner critic that repeats old words: “You’re useless,” “You’re too much.” It learned those words from someone else. They were never the truth about you.

The Breaking the cycle guide has an “Old words, new words” worksheet for answering that voice.

Survivors sometimes notice

• Being drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even when they hurt
• Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
• Finding it hard to ask for what they need
• Keeping people at a distance to stay safe

These patterns made sense in an unsafe home. With time and support, safer ways of relating can be learned.

A child who lived with danger learns to watch for it. As an adult, the body may still react to raised voices, slammed doors or certain smells as if the danger is back.

The Complex PTSD guide explains this in more depth, and the Grounding & calming skills guide has exercises.

Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays and holidays can bring grief, anger or loneliness. Many survivors plan these days ahead: who to spend them with, and what would feel comforting.

The Low contact & no contact guide has a section on holidays and milestones without family.

Getting through a hard childhood took courage. Caring about others, noticing what people need, and wanting to do things differently can all be strengths. They came at a cost, and they are still yours.

• Happy memories, and frightening ones
• Love, and anger
• Missing them, and relief when they’re gone
• Wanting their approval, and wanting nothing to do with them

Many people find it helps to stop arguing with themselves about which feeling is “right.” Both can be true.

Many survivors grieve the loving, safe parent they never had. This grief can come back at milestones like a wedding or the birth of a child.

The Narcissistic parents guide has a section and a grief letter worksheet on “Grieving the parent you didn’t have.”

Some reasons parents don’t act

• They chose the relationship over the child
• They depended on the abuser for money or a home
• They didn’t know, or didn’t want to know
• They were being abused and were afraid
• They were raised with abuse and saw it as normal

In the same study, most survivors (71%) said their non-abusing parents never knew about the abuse.

Some survivors find healing in an honest talk with the non-abusing parent. Others find it reopens wounds. You don’t have to decide quickly.

Questions to think about first

• Do I want an apology, an explanation, or just to be heard?
• What do I hope they’ll say?
• What if they deny, defend or get upset?

Parents sometimes treat children very differently. One child may be the target and another the favorite. The “Golden child & scapegoat” section of the Narcissistic parents guide explains these roles.

Things you might say

• “I know it was different for you.”
• “I’m not asking you to agree, just to listen.”

• Agree on topics you won’t bring up
• Ask them not to pass on news to the parent
• Meet without the parent present
• Respect different choices about contact

If you think a younger brother or sister is being abused now, you can call Childhelp at 1-800-422-4453 to talk through what to do, or report to your state’s child protective services. If they’re in danger, call 911.

The CPS: what to know guide explains what happens after a report.

Questions to ask yourself

• Do I feel physically safe around them?
• Is this parent still violent, threatening or using alcohol or drugs heavily?
• Would I be alone with them?
• Would my children be around them?

If a parent sexually or physically abused you, many survivors choose never to leave their own children alone with that parent. That is a reasonable, protective choice.

The Low contact & no contact guide covers deciding, going no contact safely, guilt and doubt, holidays and reconnecting. It applies to many abusive parents.

The Narcissistic parents guide has a section on “Relating to them now,” including boundaries.

Relatives may push you to forgive or forget. You are allowed to keep your limits, even if others don’t understand.

Short replies

• “I know you mean well. This is my decision.”
• “I’m keeping myself safe.”
• “I’m not going to discuss it.”

Common reactions

• Anger or threats
• Blaming you: “You were a difficult child”
• Denial: “That never happened”
• Minimizing: “It wasn’t that bad”
• Sometimes, real acknowledgment

Ask yourself: if they deny it, will I still feel glad I spoke up?

• A letter or email you send
• A letter you write and never send
• A session with a therapist present
• Saying it to an empty chair in therapy
• Telling other family members instead of the parent

If your parent has been violent or threatening, a face-to-face confrontation may not be safe. Talk it through with a therapist or advocate first. A letter or a therapist-led meeting may be safer.

If you feel unsafe, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help with safety planning, 24/7.

• Hospital social workers can find other care options if you say you can’t do it
• Illness or memory loss doesn’t erase what happened
• You are not obligated to become their hands-on caregiver
• You can help arrange care without providing it yourself

People sometimes feel pressure to reconcile before a parent dies. You can choose a short, safe visit, a letter, or no contact at all. There is no single right way.

Whatever you decide, grief may be complicated afterward. The Low contact & no contact guide covers reconnecting, if you choose it.

If you choose to help, share the load where you can, and keep firm limits. The Caregiver stress & burnout guide covers warning signs and support.

In the moment

• Call a friend or your partner to take over
• Leave the room and take slow breaths
• Put a baby down somewhere safe and step away for a few minutes
• Say: “I need a minute. I’ll come back when I’m calm.”

The Parenting as a cycle breaker guide covers repair after you slip.

• A supportive partner, friend or group
• Asking for help when you feel overwhelmed
• Learning calm discipline that doesn’t hurt or shame
• Therapy to work through your own past
• Warm, affectionate moments every day

One study found that adults who had more positive childhood experiences had much better mental health, even if they also had hard ones.

Those experiences included

• Belonging at school
• Enjoying community traditions
• Family standing by them in hard times
• Feeling safe and protected by an adult at home
• Having at least two non-parent adults who cared
• Support from friends
• Talking with family about feelings

Trauma-focused therapies can help you process memories, calm your body’s alarm system and change old beliefs like “I’m worthless.” The Therapies for trauma guide describes the main kinds.

It’s okay to ask a therapist about their training and experience with childhood trauma before you start.

Groups for adult survivors of childhood abuse can help you feel less alone. Ask a local sexual assault or family violence program, a therapist, or call 211 to find one.

Faith communities, clubs, volunteering and creative groups can also offer belonging and a sense of family.

The CDC says safe, stable, nurturing relationships protect children. Building them as an adult, with chosen family and friends, can be part of healing too.

People who have given you a little of what you needed, like a teacher or a friend’s parent, count. It is never too late to let more of those people in.

Grounding, gentle movement, sleep and breathing can help your nervous system feel safer. The Grounding & calming skills and Breathing basics guides have exercises.

Regular checkups matter too, since hard childhood experiences are linked to later health problems.

Helpful things to say

• “I believe you.”
• “It’s not your fault.”
• “Take all the time you need.”
• “What would help right now?”

Try not to

• Defend the parent or say “they did their best”
• Push them to forgive, confront or reconnect
• Share their story without permission

Being supported after telling is linked to better long-term wellbeing.