Holidays & gatherings when family is hard

Expecting a warm, conflict-free day can make normal tension feel like failure. Many people feel more settled when they aim for “good enough” rather than perfect.

In the Cambridge study, 81% of estranged adults found being around other families hard, often because of those happy pictures.

Families tend to slip into old patterns: the peacekeeper, the “difficult one”, the baby. You may notice old feelings and reactions coming back fast. That is common, and you can still choose how you respond.

Affording gifts was one of the top holiday worries in the 2024 poll, named by 46% of adults, and more by younger adults.

Ideas

• Suggest a gift swap or a spending limit
• Give time or a handmade gift
• Share travel costs, or take turns hosting
• Say no to events you can’t afford

Missing a loved one was the most common holiday worry in the 2024 poll, named by 47% of adults. Grief can make family tension feel sharper.

The “Anniversaries, holidays & milestones” guide has ideas for honouring someone on special days.

For some, low mood comes back every winter. If that sounds familiar, the “Seasonal depression (SAD)” guide may help.

• Go for the whole visit, with breaks built in
• Go for one meal or just dessert
• Stay in a hotel or with a friend instead of the family home
• Meet on neutral ground, like a restaurant or park
• Visit on a different day, when it is quieter
• Join by video call
• Skip this year and send a card

What you choose this year doesn’t lock in next year.

• What do I hope for from this gathering?
• What usually happens, realistically?
• Who will be there that I feel safe with?
• How did I feel after last time, a day later and a week later?
• What would I do with the day if I didn’t go?

Use the “Should I go? Weighing it up” worksheet to think it through.

Choosing a shorter visit, or none, can bring strong guilt, especially if relatives push. Guilt often shows up when you break an old family rule, not when you do harm.

Things you might tell yourself

• “I can love them and still protect my peace.”
• “A short, calm visit is better than a long, painful one.”
• “I’m allowed to change traditions.”

Sample scripts

• “We’ll come for lunch and head home around 3.”
• “We’re staying home this year, but I’d love to call in the morning.”
• “I can’t make it for the whole week. I can come Saturday.”

You don’t need to give a long explanation. The “Setting boundaries & saying no” guide covers handling pushback.

Phrases to try

• “Let’s give politics a rest today.”
• “We see this differently. Can we talk about something else?”
• “I’d rather enjoy the food. How was your trip?”

If you do want to talk, try asking a curious question and listening, rather than trying to change minds at the table.

Phrases to try

• “I don’t discuss my body. How’s your garden?”
• “I’m enjoying my meal, thanks.”
• “Please don’t comment on what anyone’s eating.”

If you live with an eating disorder or are in recovery, plan support ahead. The “Eating disorders” guide has more.

Phrases to try

• “That’s not something I’m sharing right now.”
• “When there’s news, you’ll be the first to know.”
• “I’m happy where I am. What’s new with you?”

These questions can hurt more if you are facing infertility, a breakup or job loss. It is fine to step away for a minute.

1. Redirect: change the subject or ask someone else a question
2. Step away: refill drinks, go outside, help in the kitchen
3. Leave: if it keeps going, it’s okay to go home early

Agreeing a signal with a partner or friend can make leaving easier.

Simply noticing an old role can loosen its grip. Ask yourself: “Is this who I want to be today, or who I was expected to be?”

The “Narcissistic parents” guide explains roles like the golden child and scapegoat in more depth.

1. Press your feet into the floor
2. Breathe in for 4, out for 6, a few times
3. Name 5 things you can see in the room
4. Hold something cool, like a glass of water

• A walk around the block
• Playing with the kids or the dog
• Five minutes in the car with music
• Texting a friend who “gets it”

Siblings may have had very different experiences of the same family. If you can, agree ahead of time not to fight in front of parents or children, and save hard talks for another day.

The NIAAA suggests having a polite, firm refusal ready and saying it quickly, since hesitating gives you time to talk yourself into it. You can also ask the host not to top off your glass.

Other ideas

• Keep a non-alcoholic drink in your hand
• Bring a drink you enjoy that has no alcohol
• Have a simple reason ready, if you want one: “I’m driving”

The NIAAA suggests avoiding people or places that lead you to drink when you don’t want to, and planning something else for times that trigger urges.

Ideas

• Plan a call with a sponsor or support person before and after
• Arrive late or leave early
• Bring a sober friend
• Go to a meeting that day

• Plan to leave if things get loud or unsafe
• Don’t try to reason with someone who is drunk
• Make sure no one who has been drinking drives
• Keep children away from heated moments

The “Alcohol & your mind” guide has more on drinking and families.

Among trans and nonbinary young people, those whose household members all respected their pronouns reported far fewer suicide attempts than those whose household members did not.

Ideas

• Plan who you can text if it gets hard
• Decide ahead what you will and won’t discuss
• Bring an affirming friend or partner, if that feels safe
• Have a way to leave, or a place to stay

The “LGBTQ+ mental health” guide has more support.

Agree with your partner ahead of time how you will respond to comments, how long you will stay, and a signal to leave. Back each other up in the moment, and talk it through later.

You may have left the family faith, joined a new one, or simply see the world differently. You can join traditions that feel okay, skip ones that don’t, and say so kindly: “I’ll sit with you, but I won’t be praying.”

Some people choose not to come out, or not to attend, because it isn’t safe. That is a valid choice, not a failure.

LGBTQ+ young people can reach the Trevor Project 24/7: call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678-678, or chat at thetrevorproject.org.

• Agree on dates and handover times weeks ahead
• Put it in writing so everyone knows the plan
• Tell children the plan in simple words
• Build in some flexibility for travel or illness

The “Healthy co-parenting” guide has more on shared parenting plans.

• Let children know it’s okay to have fun at the other home
• Avoid asking them to carry messages or report back
• Start a new tradition that belongs to your home
• Celebrate on a different day if you don’t have them on the day

Step-families may have different traditions. Mixing a few from each side, and creating something new together, can help everyone feel included. See “Blended & step-families”.

• Keep arguments out of earshot
• Don’t criticise the other parent or relatives in front of them
• Give children a quiet space to retreat to
• Check in afterward: “How was today for you?”

• Host or join a “Friendsgiving” or potluck
• Invite others who are on their own
• Have a video call with a friend in another town
• Join a holiday meal at a faith or community centre

Ideas

• A long walk, hike or trip to the beach
• Cooking a favourite meal just for you
• A film marathon in pyjamas
• Writing a letter to your future self
• A small ritual for what you’ve let go of

Cleveland Clinic notes that volunteering has been linked with lower stress, depression and anxiety, and can help people meet others and feel a sense of purpose. Small acts count.

You may feel peaceful and sad on the same day. You may miss the family you hoped for, even if distance is right for you. Both are okay.

In the Cambridge study, about two in three estranged adults felt judged for being estranged. Choose carefully who you share with.

The “Low contact & no contact” guide has more on estrangement.

• Mute or log off for the day
• Remember photos show a moment, not the whole day
• Plan your own day before you scroll

• A quiet evening with no plans
• A walk, a bath or an early night
• Time with someone who makes you feel like yourself
• Food that comforts you

Wait a day or two, then jot down what helped, what didn’t, and what you want next time. Use the “After the gathering” worksheet.

Notice what you did well, even small things like leaving on time or not taking the bait.

It is common to replay hurtful words. Try writing them down, then writing what you wish you had said, or what you would tell a friend. Talking it through with someone supportive can also help.

When the busyness ends, some people feel flat or low. Gentle routines, daylight and connection can help. If low mood lasts more than two weeks, reach out for support.