Difficult relatives: aunts, uncles, cousins & in-laws

Relatives often still see you as the shy kid, the troublemaker or the “smart one.” It can be hard to be seen as the adult you are now.

What can help

• Bring a little of your adult life: a story, a photo, a plan
• Correct an old label once, lightly: “I’m actually pretty outgoing these days.”
• Notice which relatives see you as you are, and spend more time with them

Many difficult relatives are someone else’s parent, sibling or child. Pushing back can feel like hurting the person in the middle.

Ways to ease the squeeze

• Agree with the person in the middle on what matters most to each of you
• Avoid asking them to choose sides
• Talk about the behaviour, not the person’s worth: “When he jokes about my weight, I feel small.”

Big events bring tired, emotional people into one room. Old tensions can surface fast, and there’s often alcohol, money and grief in the mix.

The American Psychiatric Association suggests keeping realistic expectations of gatherings, rather than picture-perfect ones.

In many families, elders are owed respect and the wider family has a say in big decisions. That can be a great source of belonging. It can also make limits feel disrespectful.

The section “Cultural & family expectations” below has ideas for keeping respect and your limits at the same time.

Grades, jobs, weddings, babies, houses. Some families keep score, and the scoreboard can follow you into adulthood.

Try

• Remind yourself: their timeline isn’t your timeline
• Celebrate a cousin’s win, then change the subject
• Have one proud, simple answer ready about your own life

Calm replies

• “Hm, interesting. Anyway, how was your trip?”
• “I’m happy with it, thanks.”
• “I don’t discuss my body. How’s the garden?”

You don’t have to defend your choices. A short reply and a change of subject is often enough.

What can help

• Share only what you’d be fine hearing repeated
• Don’t add to stories about others: “I’d rather hear it from them.”
• Change the subject to something neutral

Gossip often comes from wanting to feel close or included. You can offer closeness in other ways, like asking about their life.

University of Florida relationship experts suggest preparing neutral replies for unwanted advice, like “That’s an interesting idea” or “I’ll think about it.” If they keep pushing, try “Thanks, but this seems to be working right now.”

Clear, kind limits

• “Please text before coming over.”
• “We don’t post the kids’ photos online. Thanks for understanding.”
• “I said no, and that’s my final answer.”

In a national poll, sharing photos or information about children on social media was one of the areas where parents and grandparents disagreed.

What can help

• Don’t carry messages between relatives
• Keep your reply short and neutral
• Step away when the bait comes out
• Talk directly with the person they’re talking about

A “joke” that puts someone down is still a put-down. You can name it calmly without starting a fight.

Things to say

• “I don’t find that funny.”
• “That’s about someone I love.”
• “Let’s not do jokes like that.”

Ask yourself

• Does this affect my safety, my kids or my health?
• Is this a one-off or a pattern?
• Will I still care about this next week?

Save your energy for the limits that matter most to you. Letting small things go is a choice, not a defeat.

Examples

• “I’m not discussing my marriage.”
• “We’ll stay until 4, then head home.”
• “We don’t lend money to family. I hope you understand.”

Long explanations give people more to argue with. You can repeat the same calm sentence as many times as you need.

Utah State University Extension suggests couples make decisions about in-law situations together and set boundaries as a team.

A common approach is that each partner speaks to their own relatives. It often lands better coming from a son or niece than from an in-law.

• Agree on a visit length before it starts
• Ask for a text before visits
• It’s okay to say “Today doesn’t work. How about Sunday?”
• Meet in a park or café if home feels too much

Cornell researchers found disputes over money, inheritances and business deals are common triggers of family rifts.

What can help

• Decide your limit before anyone asks
• Only lend what you could afford to lose
• Put bigger agreements in writing
• A gift with strings is not really a gift. You can say no to both

The Money in families & relationships guide has more on lending and giving.

Some relatives test a new limit. Stay calm, repeat it, and follow through. Their feelings about your boundary are theirs to handle.

• Decide how long you’ll stay
• Drive yourself, so you can leave
• Pick a “time to go” signal with your partner or friend
• Plan two or three safe topics
• Eat and rest beforehand, so you start calm

A Michigan State University family communication researcher suggests finding a relative with similar values or experiences to talk to during gatherings, and keeping in touch all year. It can make you feel less alone.

The American Psychiatric Association also suggests asking a trusted family member to help steer conversations if you’re worried.

• Give yourself a job: cooking, washing up, playing with kids
• Sit near people you enjoy
• Step outside for a few minutes when you need to
• Suggest a game, photo album or family recipe to share

It’s never wrong to step away from a conversation with someone who is being aggressive, the American Psychiatric Association says.

• Do something calming for your body
• Talk it over with someone supportive
• Notice what went well, not only what went wrong
• Jot down what you’d do differently next time

The American Psychiatric Association says it’s acceptable to skip a gathering and do something different instead.

Middle-ground options

• Go for the meal, skip the overnight stay
• Send a card or gift instead
• Video-call for part of it
• Visit a favourite relative separately

The Holidays & gatherings when family is hard guide has more on deciding whether to go.

Try

• “When it’s right for us. How’s your new job going?”
• “You’ll be the first to know!”
• “That’s not something I’m discussing today.”

Try

• “I don’t talk about my body. Tell me about your trip.”
• “I’m enjoying my food, thanks.”
• “Please don’t comment on the kids’ bodies.”

If food and body comments are hard for you, the Eating disorders guide may help.

Try

• “Thanks. We’re doing it this way for now.”
• “Our doctor suggested this, so we’re sticking with it.”
• “I know you love them. These are our rules at our house.”

Parents in a national poll said some disagreements with grandparents came from changes in advice since grandparents raised children, such as safe sleep.

Options

• Let it go if it’s small and untrue
• Speak to the source directly and calmly: “I heard this. I’d rather you ask me.”
• Share less with that relative from now on

• Mute a heated group chat for a while
• Reply to plans only: times, places, who brings what
• Check who can see your posts and photos
• Wait before replying when you’re upset

• What’s okay and what isn’t, for each of you
• How long visits will be
• Who will speak up if a line is crossed
• A signal for “I need a break”

University of Florida experts note that venting about in-laws to your partner is tempting but usually unhelpful. A friend may be a better listener. If there’s a real problem, raise it calmly and without blame.

Don’t always defer to in-laws on holidays and gatherings. Starting your own rituals and traditions helps you build your own family space.

Ideas

• Alternate holidays between families
• Host one meal your way
• Keep one day just for your household

Utah State University Extension suggests looking for shared interests or values with in-laws, and leading with respect and empathy for different perspectives.

• Ask about their history and family stories
• Cook a favourite dish together
• Find one hobby, team or show you both enjoy

In some cases, it may be necessary to spend less time with unsupportive in-laws, University of Florida experts say. Your partner can still see their family on their own.

If in-laws reject your relationship itself, because of culture, faith or background, see When family or in-laws don’t accept your relationship.

Respectful ways to hold a limit

• Thank them for caring before you say no
• Use family titles and warm words
• Say no in private, not in front of everyone
• Ask a respected elder to help explain

Example

• “Auntie, I know you want the best for me. I’ve thought hard about this, and I’ve decided to wait.”

For some relatives, a choice you make reflects on the whole family. Their pressure may come from fear of judgment more than anger at you.

Naming the fear gently can soften things: “It sounds like you’re worried about what others will think.”

Children of immigrants often juggle family expectations and the culture around them. That can bring guilt and tension with elders. The Children of immigrants guide covers this in depth.

• Choose traditions you want to pass on
• Learn family recipes, stories or language from elders
• Find relatives or community groups who share your mix of values

Many families accept small differences at a grandparent’s or aunt’s house, like later bedtimes or extra treats. Safety rules, such as car seats, allergies and water safety, are a different matter.

In the same poll, when parents asked a grandparent to change, about half of grandparents did. The researchers suggest grandparents try to understand and follow parents’ requests.

Treating some grandchildren differently was one of the areas of disagreement parents reported. The poll’s authors suggest parents ask grandparents to be more equal in how they treat grandchildren.

Try saying

• “The kids notice when gifts are very different. Could we keep them similar?”

In the moment

• Step in calmly: “She’s perfect as she is.”
• Change the subject or move your child away
• Talk with the relative privately later

Afterwards, with your child

• “That comment wasn’t okay. It isn’t true.”
• “You can always tell me when someone says something that bothers you.”

Some families let children choose a hug, a high-five or a wave. It can help children learn they’re in charge of their own body.

You might say to relatives

• “We let the kids choose how to say hello. A wave is great too!”

If a relative drinks heavily, is unsafe behind the wheel, or anything about them worries you, you can decline sleepovers, rides or babysitting. No explanation is needed.

• A friend you can text from the bathroom at a reunion
• Faith or cultural groups who share your values
• Friends to spend a holiday with
• Online groups for people with hard in-laws or families

Cornell researchers found that talking with relatives who didn’t take sides helped some families who later reconnected.

A Weill Cornell psychiatrist suggests a family therapist can help when tension keeps returning, by helping family members move toward understanding.

Couples therapy can also help partners agree on how to handle in-laws. The Couples, family & group therapy guide explains the options.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7. Advocates offer support, crisis help and local referrals.

• Call 1-800-799-7233
• Text START to 88788
• Chat at thehotline.org

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free and confidential by call, text or chat. Crisis Text Line offers free 24/7 support by text with a trained person.

• Call or text 988
• Text HOME to 741741

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in over 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.