Supporting someone with cancer: what to say and do

It is okay to pause before you speak. A simple, honest response is better than a perfect one.

Simple first responses

• “I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me.”
• “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “How are you feeling about it right now?”

Be supportive of whatever your loved one wants to say. People with cancer can choose when they want to talk about it, and some days they won’t.

Telling others is their choice. Ask before you share news, even with people who care.

• “Who else knows?”
• “Is it okay if I tell…?”
• “Would you like me to share updates for you?”

Many caregivers find that talking with a counselor helps them say things they can’t say to their loved one.

• “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather not today?”
• “I know this is hard to talk about. I’m ready to listen any time.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
• “That sounds really hard.”
• “What would help most this week?”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “My aunt had that and…” (stories about others)
• “Stay positive!”
• “Have you tried…?” (unasked-for advice)

Many people with cancer want the freedom to have a bad day without being cheered up. Acting cheerful for others can be a strain.

• “That’s allowed. You don’t have to be okay.”
• “Do you want company, or quiet?”

Faith can be a source of strength for many people, and some turn away from faith during cancer while others turn toward it. Ask before offering prayers or spiritual words.

• “Would it help if I prayed for you?”
• “Is your faith a comfort right now?”

Friends and family don’t always need to give advice. They simply need to show that they care.

Try

• Asking “What’s that like?”
• Letting silence sit for a moment
• Putting your phone away
• Saying back what you heard

Some people won’t bring things up themselves, but will talk if you open the door. You might say, “I know this is hard to talk about, but I’m ready to listen or talk any time.”

Some worries can’t be solved right now. You might say up front, “I know we can’t solve this today, but I’d like to talk about how we’re feeling.”

• “Can I drive you to Tuesday’s appointment?”
• “I’m doing a grocery run Thursday. What can I get you?”
• “Could I take the kids on Saturday afternoon?”
• “I’d like to bring dinner Monday. Any foods to avoid?”

Scheduling tools such as SignUpGenius or Lotsa Helping Hands can organize who does what. Sites like CaringBridge can share updates in one place.

• Find out about rides or lodging from the American Cancer Society (1-800-227-2345)
• Help with insurance calls or forms
• Keep a list of important phone numbers

• Ask what they want you to do: notes, questions or just company
• Ask which topics they don’t want raised
• Help write their top questions

Questions they may want to ask

• How serious is it?
• What stage is it?
• Which doctors will I need to see?

Let them speak first. Write down answers, and gently prompt a question they forget. Decisions about treatment are theirs to make with their clinical provider.

• Ask “Do you want to talk about it, or have a break?”
• Share your notes
• Plan something gentle for the rest of the day

Help with tasks like cooking and driving can ease cancer fatigue and stress.

• Keep visits short unless they ask you to stay
• Text without needing a reply
• Try not to take cancelled plans personally

Follow-up tests are a common trigger for fear of cancer coming back.

Friends and family may expect a person to move on quickly after treatment. Many survivors feel anxious, sad or lost at this stage.

Ways to show up

• Ask about feelings, not just results
• Keep inviting them, even if they say no
• Try not to say “You must be so relieved it’s over”

Your partner may not be able to do as much as before, and that can bring frustration. When you can, notice the small things they still do and thank them. A little gratitude can help both of you.

Some friends drift away because cancer frightens them. Often they mean well but don’t know what to say.

• Keep including them in plans
• Talk about things other than cancer too
• Send a message on hard days, like scan days

Some coworkers may think a person can’t work as hard, or treat them unfairly. Under the ADA, people with cancer can ask for reasonable changes at work.

• Let them choose what to share
• Offer to cover small tasks
• Treat them as the same colleague as before

• Build a link with one person on the care team, like a nurse or social worker
• Keep a shared list of contacts and important papers
• Plan visits so you have time to rest after
• Use video calls, or a local friend who sends updates

Telling children the truth, in words they understand, is better than leaving them to imagine the worst. Make sure they know nothing they did caused the cancer.

Many caregivers feel angry with themselves, family or their loved one. The anger often comes from fear, frustration, panic or worry.

You may feel guilty that you aren’t helping enough, that work or distance gets in the way, or even that you are healthy. Hiding these feelings can stop others from understanding your needs.

Caregivers often worry about cancer coming back. In one review, 45% of family caregivers of women with breast cancer had fear of recurrence.

Some people may not be able to help, and that can hurt. If the relationship matters, telling them how you feel can stop resentment from building.

Take 15 to 30 minutes each day to do something for yourself, no matter how small.

Ideas

• A nap
• A walk or some exercise
• A long shower or bath
• Music or a show
• Time with a friend

Be honest about what you can and can’t do. Share tasks with others, and let go of what isn’t essential. Respite helpers can spend time with your loved one so you can rest.

Connecting with other people is very important to most caregivers. Support groups meet in person, by phone or online. Counseling, couples or family counseling and problem-solving support can all help caregivers.

• Eat well, rest and move your body
• Keep up your own checkups and screenings
• Talk to your doctor if low mood or anxiety lasts more than two weeks

Free and confidential answers for patients, families and friends, Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Eastern time, in English and Spanish. Live chat is at cancer.gov/contact.

The helpline is open 24 hours a day and can help families find rides, lodging and support.

Free counseling with oncology social workers, support groups and some financial help, for people with cancer, caregivers, loved ones and the bereaved.