Shopping & spending

Healthy shopping is calm and planned. The difference between healthy and compulsive spending is intention and consequences.

It usually looks like

• Being open about what you buy
• Buying things you need or will truly enjoy
• Feeling fine afterward
• Sticking to a list or a budget

Compulsive purchases tend to be urgent and tied to an emotional trigger, and they often lead to emotional or financial distress.

People may buy things they don’t need or never use, sometimes with the tags still on, and hide purchases from family.

Shopping often becomes a way of coping with stress, anxiety and depression. People who shop compulsively often describe tension or anxiety before buying, and relief afterward.

The relief doesn’t last. Guilt and money worries bring more stress, which leads back to shopping. This loop is why willpower alone often isn’t enough.

We live surrounded by advertising that encourages us to buy, in a culture that can treat wealth and success as if they were the same thing.

Common selling tricks

• “Free shipping if you spend $20 more”
• “Limited time” countdowns
• “Only 2 left!” warnings
• Personalised ads that follow you around

Spending a lot of time on platforms full of advertising makes people more likely to be influenced by it.

Influencer “hauls”, unboxing videos and shoppable posts can make constant buying look normal. Muting or unfollowing accounts that leave you wanting more can help. See the Social media & wellbeing guide for more.

Rewards that come at random, like flash sales, “mystery” boxes and surprise discounts, are especially good at keeping people coming back. The Compulsive habits: the basics guide explains why.

In a U.S. government study, about 17% of consumers with a credit record used a “buy now, pay later” loan in a year. Those borrowers were more likely to already have other debts, and 18% had a late payment on another account, compared with 7% of non-users.

The study does not show that these loans cause debt. But several small plans at once can add up quickly and be hard to keep track of.

Late-night online shopping sprees are a common pattern in compulsive buying.

Ideas to try

• Charge your phone outside the bedroom
• Leave items in the cart overnight and look again in daylight
• Log out of shopping apps so buying takes more steps

Deleting shopping apps, or restricting access to shopping sites, is one of the simplest ways to put space between an urge and a purchase.

Ways to add friction

• Delete shopping apps from your phone
• Remove saved card details
• Turn off sale notifications
• Unsubscribe from sale emails

In the same review, 8.3% of university students showed compulsive buying, compared with 4.9% in adult population studies.

First credit cards, new independence and a lot of time online can all play a part.

About 80% of people seen in clinics for compulsive buying are women, but researchers think men may simply be less likely to seek help or be studied.

Whoever you are, struggling with spending is nothing to be ashamed of, and support is for everyone.

Compulsive buying often goes hand in hand with depression, anxiety and other struggles, including substance use. Getting help for these can make spending easier to change.

If buying goes together with finding it very hard to let things go, the “Hoarding: understanding it” guide may also help. See the “Depression: understanding it” and “Anxiety: understanding it” guides too.

Common money harms

• Borrowing from friends or family
• Credit cards at or near their limit
• Late fees and growing interest
• Several “pay later” plans at once
• Using savings meant for bills or the future

Facing debts, rather than ignoring them, is an important step. A financial adviser or credit counselor can help, but be careful of companies that make big promises. See the Debt & financial hardship guide for practical steps.

Hiding purchases and lying about prices are common, and finding out can hurt trust as much as the money itself.

Couples or family therapy can help rebuild trust and agree a fair plan together.

Guilt or shame after a spree is a strong sign that shopping has become a coping tool. Over time, money worries can deepen low mood and anxiety.

Before you check out, pause and ask yourself whether you really need the item. Making a shopping list, and not buying what isn’t on it, helps too.

Questions to ask

• Am I buying this to change how I feel?
• Can I afford it without borrowing?
• Do I already own something like it?
• Will I still want it next week?

Carrying only cash limits spending to what’s in your wallet. Keeping credit cards out of easy reach, or setting a spending limit, adds another barrier.

Some people ask a trusted person to help manage money for a while. That’s not a punishment, it’s scaffolding.

If certain friends or places make it hard to stick to your plan, try meeting in ways that don’t involve shopping.

Ideas

• A walk, picnic or free museum day
• Clothes or book swaps with friends
• Cooking together at home
• Library visits instead of store trips

A therapist can teach you healthier coping skills. Group cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) programmes for compulsive buying look promising.

What you might work on

• Finding other ways to soothe stress or loneliness
• Planning for triggers like payday, sales or bad days
• Rebuilding hobbies that don’t cost much
• Spotting thoughts like “I deserve this” or “It’s a bargain”

For anything medical, talk with your clinical provider.

Debtors Anonymous offers hope for people whose use of unsecured debt causes problems and suffering. It has face-to-face, phone and online meetings.

SMART Recovery is a science-informed programme for addictive behaviours, with free in-person and online meetings.

Choose a calm, private moment. Talk about what you have noticed and how you feel, using “I” statements.

Try saying

• “I care about you, and I’m worried about the spending.”
• “I found the card statement, and I felt scared.”
• “Can we look at this together, without blame?”
• “You’re not a bad person. Lots of people struggle with this.”

Try to avoid

• Calling them names like “shopaholic” or “selfish”
• Mocking purchases or throwing things away without asking
• Quietly paying off their debts
• Threats you don’t intend to follow through on

Quietly covering debts can feel like love, but it can keep the cycle going.

Steps to consider

• Agree a simple household budget together
• Check your credit report for accounts in your name
• Keep separate accounts for bills and essentials
• Make sure rent and utilities are paid first

See the Debt & financial hardship guide for more on budgets and debt help.

SMART Recovery runs Family & Friends groups for loved ones of people with addictive behaviours.

Look after yourself

• Keep up your own friendships, rest and joys
• Remember it’s not your fault, and you can’t control their choices
• Talk to someone you trust, or a counsellor