Compulsive porn & sex

Enjoying sex, having a high sex drive, masturbating or watching porn is not by itself a problem. People’s sex lives vary hugely, and there is no “right” amount.

It usually feels like

• A choice you can make or skip
• Fitting alongside work, sleep, friends and other interests
• Not leaving you feeling trapped afterward
• Respecting consent, yours and other people’s

In compulsive patterns, people repeatedly try and fail to control or cut down, and carry on even when it causes problems at home, at work or in their health. Sometimes they keep going even when it brings little pleasure any more.

For a diagnosis, the pattern has to last a long time (for example, six months or more) and cause marked distress or serious problems in daily life. Only a qualified professional can assess that.

In one clinical study, porn use was the most common problem behaviour reported by men (82%), while women most often described sex with consenting adults (88%). Both men and women can struggle with either.

It can involve

• Hookup and dating apps
• Masturbation
• Online sexual chat or webcams
• Paid sexual services
• Porn

In a U.S. national survey, people were more likely to call themselves addicted to porn if they were more religious or felt more moral conflict about it, as well as if they used it more often.

Help here often means making peace between your values and your sexuality, with a therapist who respects your beliefs. Some people also find support from a trusted faith leader.

Here the main problem is repeated failed attempts to stop, and harm piling up, whatever you believe about sex.

This is where approaches like the ones in “What helps” below can make a real difference.

Some researchers argue the two are not always easy to separate. Shame can drive secrecy, and secrecy can make a habit harder to change.

A good therapist will help you untangle which parts are about values and which are about control, without judging either. The Shame & self-criticism guide may also help.

If you are tormented by unwanted sexual thoughts you don’t want to act on, and spend a lot of time checking, confessing or seeking reassurance, that may be OCD rather than compulsive sexual behaviour. See the Kinds of OCD and Religious OCD (scrupulosity) guides.

Many people say compulsive sexual behaviour helps them get relief from bad feelings, cope with another mental health condition or face hard life events. Boredom, low mood and low self-esteem are common triggers.

The relief is short. Afterward, low mood, relationship problems or money worries often follow, which can feed the next urge.

Experts link the rise in out-of-control sexual behaviour partly to how easy the internet made it to reach porn, chat and hookups. Early exposure to sexual material through phones is also thought to play a part.

Like other compulsive habits, endless scrolling for something new can work like a slot machine. The Compulsive habits: the basics guide explains this reward loop.

People who struggle with negative feelings more often also tend to struggle more with compulsive sexual behaviour. For some, sex is the main way they feel wanted, soothed or close to someone.

Building other kinds of closeness, with friends, family or community, can take some of the pressure off. The Loneliness: understanding it guide has ideas.

In the same survey, 10.3% of men and 7.0% of women reported this level of distress. The researchers said gender differences were smaller than previously thought.

Women may feel extra shame because of stereotypes, and may find fewer services that feel made for them. Your struggle is just as valid.

Some studies have found higher rates among gay, bisexual and queer people, while a U.S. study of gay men found a rate (7.9%) no higher than the general population.

Being LGBTQ+ is not a cause. Look for a therapist who is affirming of your identity. The Sexual health & wellbeing guide has a section on LGBTQ+ sexual wellbeing.

Compulsive sexual behaviour often goes together with depression, anxiety, substance use and other compulsive habits like gambling or shopping. Some studies also find more ADHD traits, possibly through impulsivity and difficulty managing emotions.

Getting help for these other struggles can make sexual behaviour easier to change too.

Childhood sexual abuse has been linked with compulsive sexual behaviour later in life, and clinical studies suggest around 30% of people treated for it experienced childhood abuse.

If this is part of your story, trauma-informed therapy can help. See the Childhood sexual abuse guide.

Low mood and shame after giving in to an urge are common. Over time, they can make anxiety or depression worse.

Partners often say the hiding and lying hurt the most. Some people also notice they feel less present or connected during real-life intimacy.

Couples therapy can help rebuild trust. The Cheating & infidelity guide may help if sex outside the relationship is part of the story.

Common knock-on effects

• Falling behind at work or school
• Money spent on paid sites, apps or services
• Pulling back from hobbies and friends
• Staying up late and running on little sleep

If compulsive behaviour involves many partners, regular sexual health checkups matter. The Sexual health & wellbeing guide covers safer sex and checkups without judgement.

For questions about erections, desire or performance, see When sex is difficult or Men’s sexual health & mental health.

In a U.S. national survey, most adult internet users had seen porn at some point, but about 11% of men and 3% of women agreed even a little that they felt addicted to it.

A national U.S. survey found 7.0% of women and 10.3% of men had clinically relevant distress about controlling sexual urges and behaviour.

Compulsive habits often grow out of stress, pain and easy access, not out of bad character. Shame tends to keep the cycle going, while understanding helps break it.

Healthy sexuality looks different for everyone. Some people choose to stop porn completely; others aim for use that fits their values and life. A therapist can help you set goals that are truly yours.

Therapy can help you notice triggers, handle urges differently, and work on the stress, loneliness or low mood underneath.

In a small trial of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), men who struggled with internet porn cut their viewing by 93% on average after 12 sessions, compared with 21% for those still waiting for treatment.

For anything medical, talk with your clinical provider.

Mindfulness-based approaches help people become more aware of body and mind, and are being used to support sexual health and people with compulsive sexual behaviour.

Try “urge surfing”

1. Notice the urge and name it: “There’s an urge.”
2. Feel where it sits in your body
3. Breathe slowly and watch it rise, peak and fall
4. Do something else that’s kind for the next ten minutes

Ideas to try

• Charge your phone outside the bedroom
• Delete hookup apps for a while
• Notice your riskiest times, like late at night or after stress
• Plan something absorbing for those times
• Use content filters if you want them

Barriers are scaffolding, not punishment. They work best alongside care for the feelings underneath.

Write down what you want your sex life to look like, based on your own values. Then track small steps toward it.

SMART Recovery is a science-based self-help programme for addictive behaviours, with free in-person and online meetings.

Look for groups that feel respectful and supportive. Any group that leaves you feeling more ashamed is not the right fit.

Many partners compare themselves to porn or blame themselves. Compulsive behaviour is usually about coping and habit, not about anything you lack.

The Sexual health & wellbeing guide has a section on body image and intimacy if this has shaken your confidence.

You might say

• “I want to understand what’s been going on.”
• “Finding out hurt, and I need honesty from now on.”
• “I care about you, and I need us to get help.”

Choose a calm moment. You don’t have to decide anything about the relationship right away.

Checking phones and tracking every move usually exhausts the partner and doesn’t create lasting change. It works better to agree on honesty, and on what you need to feel safe.

If sex outside the relationship is involved, consider a sexual health checkup for yourself too.

SMART Recovery runs free Family & Friends groups for people who love someone with an addictive behaviour.

Your own therapist, a couples therapist, or a trusted friend can help you think through what you want. See the Cheating & infidelity guide for more on rebuilding trust.