Getting to know your “parts”: a gentle self-help start
The voices inside you aren’t enemies. With a little curiosity, you can start to hear what each one is trying to do for you.
Before you start: safety first
This is a gentle taste, not therapy. You can stop any time.
This guide offers light, everyday ways to notice your inner “parts,” inspired by Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. It is not IFS therapy and doesn’t replace a trained therapist.
Parts work can stir up strong feelings, and its possible harms haven’t been fully studied. So stay with everyday frustrations and mixed feelings here, not your most painful memories.
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Good starting points are things like procrastinating, snapping when you’re tired, or a nagging inner critic. Leave trauma memories for work with a therapist.
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There’s no finish line. Five gentle minutes is plenty. If something feels too big, stopping is the skilful choice, not a failure.
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- You live with psychosis or hear voices that frighten you
- You often feel spaced out, unreal or lose time (see “Dissociation”)
- You’re in crisis or thinking about suicide
- You’re recovering from recent trauma
In these cases, please talk with a therapist or your clinical provider before trying parts work on your own.
The idea in plain words
Your mind is more like a team than a single voice.
In IFS, the mind is made of many parts, each with its own feelings, thoughts and motives. Some parts protect you; some carry old hurt. Underneath is a calm, caring core called the Self.
The key idea is that there are “no bad parts.” Even a part that causes trouble is usually trying to help. When you meet it with curiosity instead of a fight, it often softens.
Step 1: Notice a part
Catch a feeling, thought or urge, and give it a name.
Try this
- Think of a recent moment you reacted in a way you didn’t love
- Notice the feeling, thought or urge that came up
- Notice where you feel it in your body, if anywhere
- Say to yourself, “A part of me feels…”
- Give it a simple name, like “the worrier” or “the rusher”
Saying “a part of me” instead of “I” creates a little breathing room. IFS calls this unblending, and it can help you feel more aware and kinder toward yourself.
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- “A part of me is scared they’ll leave.”
- “A part of me keeps saying I’m lazy.”
- “A part of me wants to cancel everything.”
- “There’s a part that just wants to hide under a blanket.”
Step 2: How do you feel toward it?
Check you’re meeting the part with curiosity, not a fight.
Ask yourself, “How do I feel toward this part?” If the answer is curious, calm or kind, you’re in a good place to listen.
If you feel annoyed, scared or ashamed of it, that’s another part showing up. That’s okay. Gently ask that part if it would give you a little space, just for now.
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IFS links the Self with qualities like calm, curiosity, compassion and clarity. Even a small sense of these is enough to begin.
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Some parts don’t want to step back yet, often for good reasons. Respect that. Try a grounding skill and come back later, or explore this with a therapist.
Step 3: Listen to what it wants
Gentle questions to understand a part’s job.
Protective parts usually have a job. Your aim is to understand that job, not to argue with it or get rid of it.
Questions you can ask the part
- How long have you been doing this job?
- How old do you think I am?
- What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?
- What do you want me to know?
- What would help you relax a little?
Step 4: Thank it, then let it be
Appreciation helps parts trust you over time.
Before you finish, thank the part for working so hard for you. Even a critical or impulsive part has usually been trying to keep you safe in the only way it knew.
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- “I can see you’re tired too.”
- “I get why you do this.”
- “I’ll check in with you again.”
- “Thank you for trying to protect me.”
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- “Go away, you’re ruining my life.”
- “Just stop it.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You’re the problem.”
Fighting a part often makes it push harder. Treating it with kindness is linked to self-compassion, which an IFS-based program improved in one trial.
Everyday ways to practise
Small habits that build friendly inner awareness.
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Write “Dear worrier, what’s up today?” and jot down whatever comes. Then write a short, kind reply from your calmer self. See “Journaling for your mental health” for more ideas.
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When you feel torn, list what each part wants and fears. You may find they both want something good for you, just in different ways.
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Ask your critic what it’s afraid would happen if it eased up. You can thank it and still choose a kinder voice. See “Self-compassion & your inner critic.”
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Pause, breathe and ask, “Which part of me is loudest right now?” Name it, nod to it, and carry on. That’s enough.
When to stop and ground yourself
Signs to pause, and ways to come back to now.
Stop and ground if you notice…
- A painful old memory pulling you in
- Feeling far away, foggy or unreal
- Panic, shaking or a racing heart
- Strong shame or urges to hurt yourself
A quick way back to the present (5-4-3-2-1)
- Name 5 things you can see
- Name 4 things you can feel or touch
- Name 3 things you can hear
- Name 2 things you can smell
- Name 1 thing you can taste
Grounding uses your senses to bring attention back to the here and now. Feeling the ground under your feet, running cool water over your hands or noticing the colours around you can all help.
Going further with a therapist
When self-help isn’t enough, and how to find support.
Deeper parts work, especially with old hurt, is best done with a trained, licensed therapist who can help you go at a safe pace.
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- Old memories keep surfacing
- Self-help leaves you shaken
- You feel stuck in the same patterns
- You want to work on trauma
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The IFS Institute directory lists people with at least Level 1 training. It doesn’t verify licenses, so confirm credentials yourself.
See “Parts work (IFS) explained” for training levels and questions to ask.
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For trauma, therapies like CPT, Prolonged Exposure and EMDR have more research so far. See “Therapies for trauma” and “Finding a therapist who fits.”
When and where to get help
Support in a crisis, and help finding care.
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If you are thinking about suicide or are in emotional distress, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Veterans, service members and their loved ones can dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255.
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FindTreatment.gov, run by SAMHSA, helps you find mental health services near you. Your primary care provider can also refer you.
For costs, see “Free & low-cost therapy.”
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findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- IFS Institute. About Us
- IFS Institute. Research
- IFS Institute. IFS Practitioner Directory
- Family Process (peer-reviewed), via PubMed (2023). Development of the internal family systems model: Honoring contributions from family systems therapies (Brenner EG, Schwartz RC, Becker C), Family Process
- Frontiers in Psychiatry (peer-reviewed) (2025). A pilot study of an online group-based Internal Family Systems intervention for comorbid posttraumatic stress disorder and substance use (Ally D, et al.), Frontiers in Psychiatry 16:1544435
- Journal of Rheumatology (peer-reviewed), via PubMed (2013). A randomized controlled trial of an internal family systems-based psychotherapeutic intervention on outcomes in rheumatoid arthritis: a proof-of-concept study (Shadick NA, et al.), Journal of Rheumatology 40(11)
- Cleveland Clinic (2024). 13 Grounding Techniques for When You Feel Overwhelmed
- Cleveland Clinic (2026). A Step-by-Step Look at the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. Veterans Crisis Line
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Help for Mental Illnesses
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). FindTreatment.gov
- ThroughLine (findahelpline.com). Find A Helpline
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). Crisis centres and helplines
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
