DBT skills: asking and saying no (DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST)

DEAR MAN is a set of steps for asking for something, saying no to a request or handling a difficult conversation.

GIVE stands for gentle, interested, validate and easy manner. It helps the other person feel respected, so the relationship stays strong.

FAST stands for fair, no apologies (for no reason), stick to values and truthful. It helps you feel good about yourself afterwards.

Be specific: “I want Friday off,” not “I want my boss to be fairer.” If getting a result matters most, lean on DEAR MAN.

If keeping things warm with this person matters most, lean on GIVE, even if you don’t get everything you asked for.

If you tend to give in, over-apologise or bend your values, lean on FAST.

Describe the situation or what you want clearly and factually, without judging.

• Try: “I’ve stayed late four nights this week.”
• Avoid: “You always dump work on me.”

Express why this is important to you and your feelings about it. Use “I” statements.

• Try: “I’m feeling worn out, and I’m missing time with my kids.”

Assert what you want: state your request, or say no. Don’t expect the other person to read your mind.

• Try: “I’d like to leave on time for the rest of the week.”
• Try: “No, I can’t lend money right now.”

Reinforce the value of your request for everyone involved.

• Try: “I’ll be fresher and do better work next week.”
• Try: “Thanks so much for understanding.”

Stay mindful of your goal and keep to the topic, even if the other person changes the subject or attacks.

• Try: “I hear you. I still need to leave on time this week.”
• Try: “We can talk about that later. Right now I’m asking about Friday.”

Appear confident: neither threatening nor anxious. Make eye contact if that feels comfortable, stand or sit tall, speak at an even pace.

Negotiate: ask for or offer other solutions, or reduce your request if that works for you.

• Try: “What if I stay late Monday, and leave on time the rest of the week?”
• Try: “What would you suggest?”

• D: “The report is due Thursday, and I’ve been out sick two days.”
• E: “I’m worried I’ll rush it and it won’t be my best work.”
• A: “Could I have until Monday?”
• R: “That way you’ll get a complete, accurate report.”
• N: “If Monday is too late, could I send the first half Thursday?”

• D: “You’ve asked me to host the holiday again this year.”
• E: “I love having everyone, and I’m also exhausted this year.”
• A: “I’m not able to host this time.”
• R: “I’ll enjoy it more as a guest, and I’d be glad to bring dessert.”
• N: “Could we take turns hosting from now on?”

• D: “I’ve done the laundry and dishes every day this week.”
• E: “I’m feeling stretched thin and a bit resentful.”
• A: “Would you take over the dishes on weeknights?”
• R: “I’d have more energy to spend time together in the evenings.”
• N: “Or we could swap: you do dishes, I’ll keep doing laundry.”

• D: “My friends are going to the movies Saturday, finishing at 10.”
• E: “I really want to go, and I feel left out when I miss things.”
• A: “Can I go, and be home by 10:30?”
• R: “I’ll text when I get there and when I leave.”
• N: “If 10:30 is too late, could you pick me up at 10?”

Be gentle: no attacking, threatening, name-calling or eye-rolling.

• Try: “Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?”
• Avoid: “You’re so selfish.”

Act interested: listen, don’t interrupt, and ask about their point of view.

• Try: “How does this look from your side?”

Validate: acknowledge their feelings and situation, out loud.

• Try: “I can see you’re really busy right now.”
• Try: “That makes sense, given how your week has been.”

Use an easy manner: a relaxed tone, a smile, a bit of humour where it fits.

Be fair to yourself and to the other person. Your needs count as much as theirs.

Don’t over-apologise, or apologise for making a request, having an opinion or saying no. Apologise when you have truly done something wrong.

• Instead of “Sorry, sorry, I know this is annoying, but…”: “I have a request.”

Stick to your values. Don’t give them up just to be liked or to avoid conflict.

Be truthful. Don’t lie, exaggerate or act helpless to get what you want.

If most answers lean toward “not now”, a light hint or a gentle ask may fit. Saying yes to something small can also be a values-based choice.

If it’s important, you have a right to ask, and the timing is right, ask firmly and keep coming back to it. The same goes for saying no to something that crosses your values.

• Use the broken record: calmly repeat your request or your no
• Ignore attacks or side topics: “Let’s stick to this one thing”
• Offer a trade or a smaller request
• Agree to come back to it later

If you or they get flooded, take a break: “I want to sort this out. Can we pick it up in an hour?” Use STOP or TIPP from DBT skills: getting through a crisis moment.

Guilt after saying no is very common, especially if you’re used to giving in. Check the facts: did you actually do something wrong, or just something new? See DBT skills: emotion regulation.

If someone threatens, controls or hurts you, the problem is their behaviour, not your communication. You don’t need to find the perfect words. Put your safety first and see Domestic violence: the basics for support. If you’re in danger, call 911.

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”
• “It could be worse.”
• “You’re overthinking it.”
• “Just get over it.”

Try saying to yourself, “Of course I feel this way, given what happened.” Self-validation can calm emotions before a hard conversation.

The DBT-Linehan Board of Certification has a free search for certified clinicians and programs. Behavioral Tech lists teams with at least one fully trained member.

If a relationship crisis leaves you in emotional distress or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 or chat online. It is free, confidential and open 24/7. If a life is in danger, call 911.

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