Vulnerable (covert) narcissism

“Covert” and “vulnerable” are not separate official diagnoses. They are words researchers and clinicians use to describe a quieter style of narcissistic traits.

Like all narcissism, these traits sit on a spectrum. Nearly everyone has some narcissism; only a minority have levels high enough to be called pathological.

Research suggests what links the two forms is an “antagonistic” core: entitlement, and putting your own needs above others’. Where they differ is how confident or fragile the person feels.

Because these traits are quieter, they can go unnoticed for years. This can make relationships confusing and hard to understand.

Researchers who studied relatives warn that the vulnerable side affects others in a hidden, slow-building way, and can be mistaken for other problems unless the full picture is understood.

One study found vulnerable narcissism was linked with “fragile” self-esteem: low self-worth that rises and falls with other people’s approval.

Relatives in another study described the same thing: self-esteem that depended on outside praise, and deep insecurity.

Vulnerable narcissism has been linked with more shyness and more loneliness. Cleveland Clinic also notes heightened social anxiety and difficulty forming genuine connections.

The same study found vulnerable narcissism was linked with emotional contagion: easily “catching” other people’s feelings. It is linked with personality traits that make people prone to distress and worry.

Partners and relatives described emptiness, hypersensitivity and moods that could shift quickly.

Cleveland Clinic notes anxiety and low mood are more common with covert patterns than with the bolder style.

Instead of arguing openly, a person may become defensive, make backhanded comments, or explain their actions away when confronted.

Cleveland Clinic describes self-deprecation that draws reassurance from others, and sharing struggles openly in ways that bring sympathy.

Some people seek admiration in softer ways, like doing favours and hoping for compliments, or helping mainly to be recognised.

You might notice hurt or resentment when the thanks doesn’t come, or the favour being brought up later.

Relatives described the person hiding their real self and often casting themselves as the victim. Cleveland Clinic notes people with covert patterns often feel misunderstood and may not see their own behaviour as harmful.

Cleveland Clinic notes people may hide their feelings to get back at someone, or respond with passive aggression or gaslighting when confronted.

Research suggests what sets narcissism apart is the antagonistic core, such as entitlement and disregard for others, not shyness or worry by themselves.

Many shy or anxious people are deeply caring and empathetic.

Being hurt by criticism is part of being human. A concern is when hurt regularly turns into blame, punishing or controlling others.

Feeling low, needing comfort or talking about struggles are not signs of narcissism. Please treat low mood with care and encourage support from a professional.

A Cleveland Clinic psychologist warns that “narcissist” has become an insult, adds to stigma, and that no one deserves to be demonised for their mental health struggles.

Researchers also note that people with narcissistic patterns often face stigma when they seek treatment, which can keep them from getting help.

Researchers have developed ways to measure how people move between grandiose and vulnerable states. People higher in vulnerable narcissism were somewhat more likely to report these shifts, and to have moods that change quickly.

One study found the two forms are mostly unrelated in everyday levels. But among people with the highest grandiosity, vulnerability tended to be high too, joined by that antagonistic core.

If someone seems both superior and deeply wounded, that contradiction may be part of the pattern. You are not imagining it.

Genetics are listed as one possible factor, alongside life experiences.

Childhood trauma is listed as a possible contributor.

A hidden longing to be special can grow around a child who felt overlooked, criticised or unsafe.

Children may learn ways of relating, like sulking, guilt or passive aggression, from parents or other caregivers.

Cleveland Clinic suggests noticing recurring patterns and trusting your instincts when something feels off.

Writing down incidents and how they were resolved can help you stay grounded, especially if you’re later told it didn’t happen that way.

Setting clear personal boundaries is one of Cleveland Clinic’s main suggestions.

You can be warm and still firm: “I can see you’re hurt. I’m still not able to do that.” You don’t have to fix every hurt feeling.

Cleveland Clinic suggests friends and family consider therapy for themselves.

If a relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, Cleveland Clinic says stepping back or cutting off contact is a valid choice.

Cleveland Clinic names cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) as a helpful option. A therapist can help you find triggers and the roots of painful reactions, build healthier ways of coping, and grow a steadier sense of self-worth.

Try noticing moments when you put yourself down hoping someone will disagree, or feel resentful when thanks doesn’t come. Naming the need underneath, like “I want to feel valued”, gives you a more direct way to ask for it.

Ways Harvard Health suggests

• Comfort your body: rest, eat well, take a walk
• Encourage yourself as you would a good friend
• Practise a few mindful minutes
• Write yourself a letter about what hurts, with no blame

One long-term study found narcissism went down on average between ages 18 and 41. People can and do grow.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org, for anyone worried about a relationship, including friends and family.

Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline is a global directory of free, confidential support, partnered with the International Association for Suicide Prevention.