Men’s friendships & connection

In a 2021 national survey, 85% of married men said their spouse or partner is the first person they talk to about a personal problem.

Leaning on a partner is healthy. But when she or he is your only confidant, a breakup, a loss or a hard patch in the relationship can leave you with no one at all. Having a few people to turn to spreads the load.

In the same survey, only 21% of men said they had received emotional support from a friend in the past week, and 25% said they had told a friend they loved them.

Many men grow up learning to keep problems private. So friendships can stay on sports, work and jokes, even when one of you is struggling.

Gallup found that 25% of U.S. men aged 15 to 34 felt lonely for a lot of the previous day (2023–2024), compared with 18% of all U.S. adults. Across wealthy countries, the typical rate for young men was 15%.

Leaving school or college, moving for work and spending more time online can all thin out the friendships young men used to have built in.

Work gives many men their daily contact with other people. When it ends through retirement, injury or layoffs, those friendships can disappear too. Groups like Men’s Sheds were set up partly for this reason.

Feeling cut off can lower your mood, and low mood makes it harder to reach out. In men, this can show up as irritability, working nonstop, drinking more or spending hours alone gaming or scrolling.

The Surgeon General’s advisory links strong social connection with longer life and better physical and mental health. You don’t need a big circle: a few people you see regularly can make a real difference.

Most people are happy to hear from an old friend. They are probably waiting for someone else to reach out too. A short message is enough to start.

Messages you could send

• “Been a while. Fancy a walk Saturday morning?”
• “Saw this and thought of you. How’ve you been?”
• “Want to grab a coffee or watch the game this weekend?”

Busy lives push friends aside unless you schedule them. Making time for friendships, even when life is busy, is good for your mental health. Shared activities make it easy.

Ideas

• A group chat that actually makes plans
• A monthly breakfast with the same few friends
• A regular fishing trip, card night or cooking night
• A weekly pickup game, run or bike ride

A University of Kansas study estimated it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends. Time spent hanging out counted more than time working side by side.

So don’t be put off if a new friendship feels slow. Saying yes again and again is how it grows.

Places to start

• A class: cooking, woodwork, a language, martial arts
• A Men’s Shed, men’s group or faith group
• A rec league, running club or climbing gym
• Volunteering on a regular shift

Walking together means you don’t have to hold eye contact, and silence feels natural. Moving your body also helps calm stress, which can make it easier to open up.

Try

• A lunchtime walk with a coworker
• A weekend hike with a friend
• Walking the dog with your brother

Shared activities give you something to focus on while you talk. This is the idea behind Men’s Sheds: shoulder to shoulder, not face to face.

Ideas

• Driving somewhere together
• Fishing or cooking out
• Shooting hoops or hitting golf balls
• Working on a car or a DIY project

Journaling gives you a private place to sort through what you feel. Putting it on paper can be very freeing. If you don’t know where to start, try writing three things you are grateful for each day.

Learning to name your feelings as they come up is a big step. Under “angry” there might be “disappointed”, “embarrassed”, “worried” or “left out”. Naming the real feeling makes it easier to deal with.

Words to try

• Ashamed
• Disappointed
• Frustrated
• Hurt
• Lonely
• Overwhelmed
• Proud
• Worried

If you want to share

• “Can I run something by you?”
• “I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately.”
• “I’ve not been myself. Not sure why.”

If you’re checking on a mate

• “How are you really doing? Not the polite answer.”
• “I’m around if you ever want to talk. No pressure.”
• “You’ve seemed quieter lately. Everything OK?”

Try

• Ask what would help: “Do you want ideas, or just to vent?”
• Keep checking in over the next few weeks
• Let silences happen; he may say more
• Listen more than you talk, and don’t rush to solutions

If you’re worried, ask him directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking shows you care and can handle the answer. Listen without judging, help him connect with 988, and follow up in the days after.

Signs to take seriously

• Big mood swings, or drinking or using drugs more
• Feeling hopeless, trapped or like a burden
• Talking about wanting to die
• Withdrawing, saying goodbye or giving things away

A Men’s Shed is a workshop and social club where men gather to build things, learn new skills and pass on what they know. The movement started in Australia in the 1980s. In the U.S., sheds are mainly for retired and older men who may feel isolated after leaving work, but men of all backgrounds are welcome.

Their motto sums it up: men don’t talk face to face, they talk shoulder to shoulder. Working on a shared project makes conversation easy.

Exercise lifts mood and reduces stress. Doing it with others adds friendship and accountability. You do not need to be good, just to show up.

Ideas

• A free community running group
• A hiking or cycling group
• A local rec league (soccer, basketball, softball)
• Coaching a youth team

Men’s groups give a regular, trusted space to talk about life, relationships, fatherhood and stress. Some are led by counselors, others by peers. Many meet at community centers, places of worship or online.

Hearing other men say “me too” can be a huge relief. Groups exist for dads, veterans, men who are grieving, and more.

For many men, a faith community offers friendship, a sense of purpose and support in hard times. Many have men’s groups, service projects or a leader you can talk to in confidence.

Volunteering gives a sense of purpose, structure and connection, especially after retirement or a job loss. Some Men’s Sheds build things like wheelchair ramps or flower boxes for their town.

Ideas

• Coaching or refereeing
• Fixing things for neighbours
• Food banks or community gardens
• Mentoring young people

• A friend, brother or father, including a death by suicide
• A job, a career, or the role of provider
• A marriage or relationship, and daily time with your kids
• A pet who was your daily company
• A pregnancy loss, when everyone asks how your partner is but not how you are
• Your health, strength or a sport you loved

Grieving through doing, like building something in their memory, fixing things or hard exercise, is a real way to grieve. It only becomes a problem if it is used to avoid the loss completely, for a long time.

Ideas

• Fix up something that belonged to them
• Plant a tree or build a bench in their memory
• Run, ride or walk an event in their name

Talking about the person you lost, side by side with a friend, can help. So can a grief group, where other people understand without needing it explained.