Helping kids & teens understand a grandparent’s dementia

Children are often aware of atmospheres and tensions even when no one has told them the facts. Understanding what the problem is can be a relief.

Without an explanation, kids may fill the gaps with something scarier, or decide it is their fault.

Be honest, but take small steps. Get a sense of how much detail your child can cope with, and let them guide you with their questions.

Expect to repeat yourself. Children take in information at different times, and the conversation will keep going as the illness changes.

Ask what they have noticed and what they are wondering about. Listening is sometimes more valuable than talking.

Children need their feelings to be accepted, not judged. Keeping things secret can create more problems later.

If a child asks something you can’t answer, you can say so. Learning about the illness together, from trusted books or videos, can be a good way to keep talking.

The word “dementia” may mean nothing to a young child. Start with something they have noticed, like Grandma forgetting their name. Pictures, picture books and short videos made for kids can help.

Try saying

• “Grandma has an illness in her brain that makes it hard to remember things.”
• “It’s not your fault, and you can’t catch it.”
• “She still loves you, even on days she forgets your name.”

Young children may think they did something to hurt their grandparent. Tell them clearly that nobody caused the illness.

Older children may already know a bit from school, TV or social media. Ask what they know and what worries them, then give a clear, simple explanation. Correct anything they have misunderstood.

Try saying

• “Alzheimer’s is a disease that changes how the brain works. It affects memory, thinking and feelings.”
• “Grandpa might have good days and bad days. That’s the illness, not him.”
• “You can ask me anything about it, any time.”

Explain the changes they may see, like Grandpa forgetting where he is or saying unusual things. Also talk about what he can still do.

Teens can usually understand what dementia is and how it affects the family. But they may also be juggling exams, friendships, relationships and social media, so they may need more emotional support, not less.

Let teens lead on how much they want to know and how. Point them to trusted sources, because there is a lot of misinformation online. Watching a good film or show together can open a conversation.

Try saying

• “You might have mixed feelings about all this. All of them are okay.”
• “You don’t have to talk now. I’m here whenever you want to.”
• “Is there anything at home that feels unfair? Let’s talk about it.”

Explain the type of dementia your grandparent has and how it usually affects people. Different types can cause different changes, so tailoring your words helps.

Dementia is not like a cold or chicken pox. You cannot catch it by hugging, sharing food or spending time together.

Most people who develop Alzheimer’s are older adults. Having a family member with it may raise the risk a little, but not everyone in the family will get it.

Young children may believe they did something to make their grandparent sick, or that being noisy made things worse. Tell them plainly that no one caused the disease.

People with Alzheimer’s often remember long-ago events better than recent ones. So Grandma may not remember that she already asked. Being patient and answering again is a kind thing to do.

Changes in the brain make remembering hard. Mixing up names is part of the illness. It’s usually best not to correct the person, because that can confuse or upset them.

Over time a grandparent may forget many things, including a grandchild’s name. But they can still feel love and enjoy being with you.

Changing faces can make recognising people harder, but the way they feel about someone tends to stay longer. A familiar voice is often easier to recognise than a face.

Grandpa will have good days and bad days. The illness slowly gets worse over time, and there is no cure yet.

How the illness progresses is hard to predict. It gets worse over time, so her health won’t improve. You can be honest about that while reassuring your child that they will be told what is happening.

Being present and kind matters, even when talking is hard. Simple shared things, like music, setting the table, reading or looking at photos, are real help.

Kids may get angry or frustrated when a grandparent asks the same thing over and over, or when family plans keep changing.

Some teens feel closer to one or both parents as the family faces the illness together. Mixed feelings, good and bad, are part of it.

Older kids and teens may feel embarrassed by a grandparent’s behaviour, or stop inviting friends over. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Changes in a grandparent’s behaviour can be confusing or frightening. Kids may also worry the illness is catching, or that their parents will get it.

Children may feel guilty after snapping at a grandparent. They may also blame themselves for getting less of a parent’s time and energy.

When a parent is busy caring, kids may feel jealous or resentful. Teens may feel new chores are unfair, or feel unsure of their place in a changing family.

Regular one-on-one time with each child helps them feel they still matter.

Kids can feel sad about changes in a grandparent’s personality and behaviour, and miss the things they used to do together. This is a kind of grief, even while the person is still alive.

Many kids simply don’t know how to behave around a grandparent with dementia. Showing them, by example, is often easier than telling them.

A grandparent may not recognise a grandchild, even one they know very well. It helps to tell children this might happen before it does.

What kids can do

• Keep chatting even if Grandma seems unsure
• Say their name and a friendly hello: “Hi Grandma, it’s Maya”
• Skip “Do you remember me?” questions, which can feel like a test

Later in the illness, a person may cry, get angry easily or act in ways that are embarrassing. Tell kids: people with Alzheimer’s are not acting like this because they don’t care about you.

The “Dementia: changes in behaviour” guide has more for the adults handling these moments.

Dementia can lead a person to say or do things that seem rude or out of place. Explain this before visits so kids aren’t caught off guard.

Repeated questions are common, because recent memories fade first. Answering again kindly, or gently changing the subject, is better than “You already asked that.”

People with dementia have good days and bad days. Kids may feel confused when Grandpa was cheerful last week and quiet today. That is the illness, not anything they did.

• Bring an activity: photos, music, a puzzle or a book
• Choose Grandma’s best time of day
• Explain what they might see: “Grandpa might not know your name today. That’s the illness.”
• Plan a short visit, so it can end on a good note

• Avoid correcting or quizzing
• If one activity doesn’t work, try another
• Let kids step out if they feel overwhelmed
• Show children how to talk kindly and slowly
• Take your cue from what Grandma likes and can do that day

Give kids a chance to talk about the visit. Ask what was nice, what was hard and whether they have new questions.

If a grandparent has moved to a care home, explain why in simple words: “Grandma needs people to help her all day and night, and they know how to keep her safe.” Bring something familiar, like a photo album or favourite music, to share.

Some kids feel scared, sad or embarrassed about visiting. Listen to the reason without judging, and look for a gentler way to stay connected, like a shorter visit, a drawing or a card.

• Play an instrument and sing together
• Play their favourite songs
• Sing karaoke or holiday songs
• Teens can make a playlist of music from Grandpa’s younger years

• Ask about their childhood, school, pets or first car
• Look through family photo albums
• Make a collage or family tree poster
• Watch home videos of birthdays and holidays

Taking photos of happy times together gives kids memories to keep for later.

• Bake cookies or a family recipe
• Fold towels or put away silverware
• Make a favourite snack
• Set the table

• Feed the birds or watch dogs at the park
• Plant flowers or water plants
• Sit on a bench or porch with a drink
• Toss a ball or take a short walk

• Do a simple craft or play dough
• Play cards, checkers or dominoes
• Read a favourite book or story aloud
• Work on a puzzle together

• Brush Grandma’s hair
• Give a hand massage with lotion
• Paint her nails

• Don’t ask a young child to look after or “babysit” the grandparent. It may not be safe for either of them
• Keep time for friends, school, play and homework
• Spend one-on-one time with each child

Encourage a club or activity outside home, so they can have fun without guilt. A child should not feel their childhood is being taken away.

Caregiving youth are children and teens under 18 who give significant help to a family member with illness, disability or age-related frailty. In the UK they are called young carers.

Heavy caring can get in the way of school, friends and wellbeing. Young carers may miss school, struggle to balance study and care, or be bullied.

If a child feels helpless, finding a small way for them to take part can help. Offer roles they choose, like making a playlist or reading aloud, rather than tasks they must do.

When a grandparent moves in, don’t let caregiving overshadow children’s everyday needs. Teens may get more chores and less time with friends, and feel unsure of their place.

A family member or friend can sit with the grandparent sometimes so you can go out with your child. It shows them they are loved and heard.

Let teachers and activity leaders know what is happening at home. They can make allowances and respond kindly if a child’s behaviour changes.

School counsellors and social workers can help children find healthy ways to handle their feelings.

Picture books, young adult novels and short videos made for kids can explain the illness and show other families going through the same thing. The Alzheimer’s Association has a kids and teens page with book ideas and a short video series made for young people.

Teens can start by talking openly and sharing with friends. A school fundraiser or awareness event can help kids find others with similar experiences.

A healthy grandparent, aunt, uncle or family friend can give kids extra attention, or sit with the person with dementia so you get one-on-one time with your child.

About a quarter of dementia caregivers are also caring for children. That is a lot to carry. Your own wellbeing matters too.