Making friends & staying social in later life

Family is precious, but friendships are chosen. A friend can share your interests, your sense of humour and your stage of life without the old family roles getting in the way.

A friend near your age often knows what it is like to retire, slow down, lose people or face health changes. That shared understanding can make hard things feel lighter.

Things friends often share

• Practical tips, from doctors to good hearing aids
• Laughs about the small frustrations of getting older
• Memories of the same music, news and times
• Someone to go with to things you would not do alone

In the same large study, stronger friendships were linked to more physical activity. They were also linked to more smoking, a reminder that friends can pull our habits in either direction.

Letting go of busy, surface-level contacts can be a healthy choice. What matters most is whether you have the kind and amount of connection you want.

The National Academies lists living alone, losing loved ones, being homebound, chronic illness, and hearing, vision or mobility problems among the things that raise the risk of isolation for older adults.

Younger neighbours, classmates, fellow volunteers and church members can become real friends. Mixed-age friendships also mean your circle is less likely to shrink all at once.

Places ages often mix

• Choirs, bands and community theatre
• Community gardens
• Faith communities
• Libraries and classes
• Volunteering and mentoring

Work gave many people a ready-made social life. After retiring, friendship has to be planned rather than just happening.

Many people worry they have forgotten how, or that everyone else already has their friends. It is normal to feel awkward at first. The awkwardness usually fades with practice.

Ways to adapt

• Choose shorter meetups, like a 30-minute coffee
• Invite people to you, or meet somewhere close
• Pick quiet places at quiet times
• Plan rest the day after a busy outing

Transport is a common barrier. Your local Area Agency on Aging, found through the Eldercare Locator, can tell you about rides and programs near you.

Couples often socialise with other couples. After a partner dies or a marriage ends, those invitations can fade. It is common to need new friends who know you as yourself.

The National Council on Aging (NCOA) says more than 11,000 senior centers serve over 1 million older adults daily. Participants report more social contact and greater life satisfaction than people who do not go.

About three in four people who use senior centers visit one to three times a week. Many centers also connect people to other local services in one place.

• Art, cooking, language or history classes
• Community college courses
• Library talks, book clubs and craft groups
• Lifelong learning programs at local universities

Exercise classes and walking groups meet often, which makes them ideal for getting to know people. Chatting after class over coffee is where many friendships start.

The National Academies notes that not belonging to community or faith groups raises the risk of isolation. Places of worship and cultural associations offer regular, welcoming contact.

Ways to get involved

• Join a small group, study group or choir
• Help with meals or hospitality
• Stay for the coffee hour after services
• Visit or call members who are homebound

Volunteering gives you a role, a reason to show up and teammates. The CDC notes that giving back to your community can strengthen bonds.

• Card, chess or game clubs
• Community gardens
• Dog walking routes and parks
• Regular visits to the same café or market
• Residents’ or neighbourhood associations

• “I enjoyed talking with you. Would you like to walk together on Thursday?”
• “I am trying the new lunch place on Main Street. Would you like to come?”
• “I am new to the area and would love some tips. Could we get a coffee?”

People are busy, tired or shy too. If someone says no, try once more another time, or simply keep being friendly at the group.

One study estimated it takes about 50 hours together to become casual friends, about 90 hours to become friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends.

Ideas

• A card or letter with an old photo
• A phone call on a birthday
• A message on social media or email
• Going to a reunion or alumni event

Words you could use

• “I was thinking of you and that summer at the lake. How are you?”
• “I found this photo and it made me smile. I would love to catch up.”

Later life can be a time to let go of old grudges, or to apologise for your part. You cannot control how the other person responds, but reaching out can bring peace either way.

• A regular phone or video call, same day each week or month
• Writing letters, which many people treasure
• Watching the same TV show and talking about it
• Planning one visit a year to look forward to

• Tuesday morning walk
• Monthly lunch on the first Friday
• A weekly phone call at the same time
• A card game every other Sunday

Take turns calling, planning and listening. If you need more help right now, you can still give in other ways: your attention, your stories, your humour, a recipe or a kind note.

• Ask what would help, rather than guessing
• Keep visits short and calls light if they are tired
• Talk about ordinary things, not only illness
• Send a card or a funny note between visits

A friend moving to assisted living or a care home may feel cut off. Regular visits, calls and outings can mean a great deal, and you may meet new people there too.

Some people are not good at reaching out but still value you. Try saying how you feel kindly: “I love our chats. It would mean a lot if you called me sometimes too.”

Sharing health worries is natural. If it takes over, try a gentle rule: ten minutes of “organ recital”, then on to books, news, grandchildren or plans.

It is human to compare. If a friend’s news stings, it may point to something you miss or want. That is worth noticing kindly, without blaming yourself or them.

A friend who pressures you for money, controls who you see or puts you down is not being a good friend.

The Eldercare Locator is a free public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living. Call or text 1-800-677-1116, or visit eldercare.acl.gov, to find senior centers, meals, rides and social programs near you.

The Friendship Line, run by the Institute on Aging, offers emotional support any time for adults 60 and older, adults with disabilities and caregivers in California: 1-888-670-1360.

• Invite them along to something you already do
• Knock on the door with a spare slice of cake
• Offer a ride to the senior center or church
• Set up a regular check-in call