Kidnapping & hostage survivors

• Being held for ransom by criminals
• Being held hostage during a crime or attack
• Being taken by a parent or family member, against a custody order or the other parent’s rights
• Being wrongfully detained in another country

Each experience is different, and some last hours while others last years. What they share is a loss of freedom and control, and the fear that comes with it.

Related guides

• Difficult life experiences: other hard experiences that shake our sense of safety
• Grief: when loss is part of the story
• Trauma & PTSD: how trauma affects the brain and body, and therapies that help

This guide does not describe any case in detail. Even so, reading about captivity can stir up memories. You can stop, take a break and come back later.

If memories rush in

1. Put your feet flat on the floor.
2. Breathe out slowly, a little longer than you breathe in.
3. Name five things you can see around you.
4. Remind yourself: “That was then. I am here now.”

Some people describe a kind of “frozen fright”, where they could not move or speak. This is an automatic survival response, not a choice.

Feeling numb or far away from what is happening is also common during and after frightening events.

Coping strategies survivors have described

• Exercise and keeping clean, when possible
• Holding on to hope, faith or the thought of loved ones
• Keeping the mind busy with memories, plans, stories or sums
• Taking one day at a time

There is no right way to get through captivity. Whatever helped you survive was the right thing at the time.

Some hostages feel connected to, or even protective of, their captors. People sometimes call this “Stockholm syndrome”. Researchers see it as a way of coping when someone depends on captors for food, safety and survival. The idea is debated, and it is not a diagnosis.

These feelings can leave survivors confused or guilty afterwards. They make sense in an impossible situation.

Some survivors did things to stay safe, like staying quiet, going along with demands or bonding with captors. These were survival choices made under extreme pressure. They are nothing to be ashamed of.

Looking back, the mind often asks “Why didn’t I…?” Try to remember what you actually knew, and what you could control, at the time.

In captivity, the body’s alarm system stays switched on to keep you alive. After release, that alarm can take time to settle. Loud noises, closed spaces, certain smells or a knock on the door may set it off again.

Being on guard, finding it hard to sleep and feeling easily startled are common after trauma.

• Anger at captors, or at people who couldn’t get you out sooner
• Grief for time lost, missed events and people who changed
• Guilt, especially if others did not come home
• Relief and gratitude
• Shame, even though nothing that happened was your fault

Poor food, cold, little fresh air or exercise and broken sleep can harm the body, and can make existing health conditions worse.

A full check-up with a clinical provider soon after release is a good idea. Let them know what you went through, as much as you feel able to share.

Research suggests that longer captivity can make recovery harder, and that a supportive family and community helps. Many survivors do cope well over time.

If reactions are not easing after a few weeks, or are getting in the way of life, it is worth talking with a therapist who understands trauma.

Small steps that help

• Choose a few safe people to spend time with
• Limit how much news or social media about your story you read
• Make choices, even small ones, to rebuild a sense of control
• Rebuild simple routines: waking, eating, sleeping
• Use grounding when memories rush in: name 5 things you can see

Children may have grown, prices and technology changed, and friends moved on. Catching up can feel like a second shock.

Ask loved ones to share news a little at a time, and to fill in what you missed when you are ready.

Hostage US is a nonprofit that supports Americans held hostage or wrongfully detained abroad, and their families, during captivity and after return. Its support for former hostages helps people return to everyday life for as long as needed.

Hostage US says its support is free and confidential.

• Ask an employer about a gradual return to work
• Let a trusted person help with bills, banking and paperwork for a while
• Replace lost documents step by step
• Write down questions for legal or official meetings

Ambiguous loss can freeze grief, because there is no answer to grieve. People often blame themselves, even though the situation is not their fault.

It can help to hold two thoughts at once: “I hope they will come home” and “I need to keep living, for them and for me.”

Researchers note that families can lose faith in the agencies meant to help them. Frustration, anger and feeling shut out are common.

Things that can help

• Ask for one main contact person
• Connect with organisations that support families, like Hostage US for families of Americans held abroad
• Keep a notebook of calls, names and dates
• Share the load with a trusted relative or friend

• Accept help with meals, children and errands
• Connect with others who have been through it
• Keep some normal routines
• Talk with a counselor or faith leader
• Take breaks from news and social media

After a return, families may expect everything to go back to normal, but the person who comes home may need space, time and patience. Families have been through their own trauma too.

For families

• Expect ups and downs, not a straight line
• Get support for yourself as well
• Let your loved one lead on what they share and when
• Make room for everyone’s feelings, including children’s

The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) says decades of research show family abductions can have serious and harmful effects on children and their families.

Children may feel torn between parents, confused about what they were told, or guilty for being happy with either parent. They may have been told the other parent did not want them.

• Answer questions honestly, at a level they can understand
• Avoid speaking badly about the other parent in front of them
• Keep routines steady and predictable
• Let teachers know what they need to, with care for privacy
• Offer extra comfort, and patience with clinginess or anger

Researchers note that longer time away, younger age and family problems can make adjustment harder. A child trauma specialist can help.

If a child is missing, call 911 or local police right away. There is no waiting period: federal law bars police from setting one before taking a report, and you don’t need a custody order to report a child missing.

NCMEC’s 24-hour hotline is 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). It can help families and offers crisis support, counseling referrals and connection with other parents who have been through it.

The U.S. Department of State’s Office of Children’s Issues is the U.S. contact for the Hague Abduction Convention, an international agreement on returning children taken across borders.

NCMEC says parents worried about abduction can ask a court for safeguards, such as supervised visits or surrender of a child’s passport, and can ask about programs that flag passport applications.

Guidance for crime survivors from a U.S. Justice Department–funded center says you are not obliged to give an interview, and you can cancel one you agreed to.

• Agree on the time, place and length in advance
• Ask a support person or spokesperson to be with you or to speak for you
• Decide what you will share and what stays private
• Give a written statement instead of taking questions
• End the interview whenever you need to

The same guidance suggests keeping children out of interviews, and says you can ask for mistakes in reporting to be corrected.

• Ask a trusted person to monitor coverage for you
• Make social media accounts private for a while
• Mute your name and story in apps where you can
• Remember that strangers don’t know the whole story

• Choose what to eat and when
• Decide who visits and for how long
• Keep doors, lights or windows the way that feels safe
• Plan your own day, even loosely

Each choice reminds the mind that you are free now.

Some survivors want new locks, a light left on, or someone nearby at night. These are reasonable ways to help the body feel safe while it recovers.

Over time, with support, many people find they need these less. There is no rush.

1. Notice the feeling and name it: “This is fear.”
2. Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in.
3. Feel your feet on the floor and your back against the chair.
4. Look around and name five things you can see.
5. Remind yourself where you are and the date.

Trauma-focused therapies help people process what happened, so memories feel less overwhelming and the body learns it is safe now. A therapist trained in trauma can go at your pace. See the “Therapies for trauma” guide for more on these therapies.

A good therapist will not push you to retell everything before you are ready. Researchers warn of the risk of re-traumatising survivors by making them go over painful experiences too much.

Some survivors go on to support other families, speak about their experience, or simply hold their loved ones closer. Researchers encourage seeing survivors through their strengths, not only their struggles.

• Help with practical tasks like meals, calls and paperwork
• Keep plans predictable and avoid surprises
• Let them decide how much to talk about it
• Offer choices (“Would you like to sit inside or outside?”)

Small signs of respect, like knocking before entering or asking before a hug, can help someone feel safe again.

• Asking for graphic details
• Asking “Why didn’t you try to escape?”
• Saying “at least you’re home now, so you should be happy”
• Sharing their story without permission

The date they were taken, the date of release, or news of similar events can bring feelings back. Reminders can trigger strong reactions long after the event.

Ask how they would like to spend hard dates: quietly, with company, or doing something meaningful.

Supporters can feel worn down too. Rest, lean on your own support network, and talk to a counselor if you need to.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741.

If a life is in danger, call 911.

Call police first. Then contact the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s 24-hour hotline, 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). NCMEC offers crisis support, counseling referrals and peer support from families who have been through it.

Hostage US offers free, confidential support to families of Americans held hostage or wrongfully detained abroad, and to former hostages after they come home. Contact them through hostageus.org.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries, by phone, text or chat.

If someone has just been taken, contact your local police or emergency number first.