Changing or leaving a faith

Some people become more devout than their family. This can bring joy and purpose. It can also bring tension if new practices, like dress, food or prayer times, change family routines.

Questioning can feel lonely and frightening, especially if doubt was discouraged. Many people live with open questions for a long time, and some find their faith grows through them.

Pew found about 1 in 5 U.S. adults were raised in a religion and now have no affiliation. Some step away from belief altogether. Others keep a personal spirituality without a community.

Some people join a faith different from their family’s, or find faith after growing up without one. Pew found about a quarter of people raised with no religion now identify with one. Others return to a faith they left years ago.

Kindness, honesty, service, gratitude and love of family often stay with people through a faith change, even when beliefs about God or practice shift.

Try this

• List five values you still hold
• Notice where you already live them each week
• Use them to guide big decisions while other things feel uncertain

• Food and festivals that bring family together
• Giving to others and serving your community
• Music, art and stories you love
• Quiet reflection or time in nature

Many people go through months or years of feeling unsettled before a new sense of self takes shape. That is normal. Reading or listening to stories from people who went through similar changes can make it feel less lonely.

• Fear about death, morality or the future
• Grief for rituals, songs, prayers or certainty
• Guilt, or worry about disappointing God or family
• Loneliness, especially at holidays and big life events
• Relief, freedom or a new sense of honesty, sometimes mixed with all of the above

• Create your own rituals for meaningful moments, such as a gratitude practice or a yearly gathering
• Look for new communities around shared values: volunteering, a choir, a sports club, a book group, a community garden
• Online and in-person support groups exist for people going through faith transitions of many kinds

Weddings, funerals, births and holy days can stir up grief or awkwardness. Planning ahead can help.

• Decide in advance which events you will attend and how
• Have a friend to text during hard moments
• Plan something nourishing for yourself afterwards

• Ask a mentor or welcoming member to guide you
• Go at your own pace with new practices
• Remember that lifelong members are still learning too

Family may feel worried, hurt or left behind. Some fear they are losing you. Reassuring them of your love, and keeping shared traditions where you can, can ease the change.

Healthy signs

• Leaders are accountable to others
• Questions are welcomed
• You are encouraged to keep friends and family outside the group
• Your money, time and choices remain your own

• Agree on boundaries, such as not debating beliefs at family meals
• Choose a calm, private time, and think ahead about what you want to share and what you’d rather keep private
• Lead with love: “I love you, and this doesn’t change that.”
• Remember that first reactions are often not final ones
• Respect their beliefs while asking for respect for yours
• Talk about values you still share

If you are a teen or depend on family for housing or money, think carefully about safety and timing. A school counselor or trusted adult can help you plan.

Things to consider

• Do I have somewhere safe to go if it goes badly?
• Is there one relative who might support me first?
• Can I wait until I am more independent?

Losing family because of a faith change is one of the hardest experiences people describe. It is a real grief, and it deserves real support.

• Build a chosen family of friends who accept you
• Find a therapist who understands faith transitions
• Leave the door open, if it is safe and you want to
• Look for peer groups of people with similar experiences

• Agree together how holidays and traditions will work
• Let children ask questions of both of you
• Talk about shared values you both want to pass on
• Avoid putting children in the middle of disagreements

• Fear of losing family or community
• Grief for rituals, certainty or belonging
• Guilt or confusion
• Relief, freedom or a new sense of peace

• Find at least one person who accepts you as you are
• Look for inclusive communities or peer groups who have been through similar journeys
• Take your time. You don’t need to have everything figured out
• Work with a therapist who respects both your past and your present

• A therapist who respects religion and understands faith transitions. Ask about this in your first call
• Connecting with people who have been through similar experiences
• Grounding and calming skills for moments when old fears come back
• Slowly rebuilding trust in your own judgment

Guidance for counselors stresses going at the client’s pace, asking permission before exploring painful memories, building calming skills first, and setting aside the counselor’s own beliefs.

• “I may not understand everything, but I love you.”
• “Tell me what this has been like for you.”
• “You’re still part of this family.”

• Assuming they’ve rejected you personally
• Constant debates or pressure to return
• Telling others about their change without permission
• Threats, ultimatums or cutting off contact

If your faith matters deeply to you, a trusted faith leader or counselor can help you work through your own feelings so you can stay connected.