Going through divorce or separation

Grief after divorce is real grief. You may miss your partner, even if you chose to leave. You may also grieve the family picture you had, holidays, in-laws, or growing old together.

If the marriage was lonely, tense or unsafe, relief can be one of the strongest feelings. Some people feel guilty about this. Relief and sadness can both be true.

You may feel angry at your ex, at yourself, or at how unfair it all seems. Anger often sits on top of hurt, fear or shame. It helps to find safe outlets, like exercise, writing, or talking with someone you trust.

Not knowing where you will live, how money will work, or what your days will look like is hard on the mind. Focusing on the next small step, rather than the whole future, can make it feel more manageable.

Some people feel they have failed, especially if their family, faith or culture sees divorce as wrong. Many people go through divorce. It is a life event, not a character flaw.

Questions to explore

• Are we both willing to work on things?
• Do I feel safe and respected?
• Have we tried couples counseling?
• What am I most afraid of, staying or going?
• What would I need to see change?

A couples therapist can help you both talk more clearly, whether you end up staying together or separating with less conflict.

If the decision is not yours, you may feel shock, panic or a strong urge to fix things. It is natural to want to change their mind. Over time, many people find it helps to shift focus to what they can control: their own well-being, home and next steps.

A trial separation works best with clear agreements: how long, how money and children will be handled, whether you will see other people, and whether you will go to counseling.

Laws on legal separation differ by state. Ask a lawyer or legal aid office what applies where you live.

If your partner frightens, threatens, controls or hurts you, leaving can be a risky time. A domestic violence advocate can help you make a safety plan. Couples counseling is usually not recommended when there is abuse.

In a study of 109 divorcing adults, people who spoke about their separation with more self-compassion had fewer painful, intrusive thoughts about it, and the difference lasted up to nine months.

Try saying

• “Anyone would find this hard.”
• “I can take this one day at a time.”
• “I did the best I could with what I knew.”

When life feels chaotic, simple routines give your days shape. Regular sleep and meals, a short walk, and time outdoors can help your body cope with stress.

Going over the breakup again and again in your head is linked to a harder recovery. Making sense of the story, perhaps with a therapist or in writing, and then moving on to other things, tends to help more.

Divorce can shrink your social world just when you need it most. Reaching out to friends, family, a faith community or a support group helps you feel less alone.

In one study, about 6 in 10 people with a past history of depression who divorced had another episode later. For people without that history, divorce did not clearly raise the risk.

Poor sleep is common right after a separation. Researchers found that sleep problems lasting longer than about 10 weeks were linked to later rises in blood pressure.

If your sleep has not improved after a couple of months, talk with your clinical provider.

Feeling very anxious about being abandoned or rejected was linked to a harder adjustment after separation. Understanding this pattern can help you be gentler with yourself and seek support.

Divorce researchers point to depression and heavy drinking as things to watch for, especially for people who have struggled with them before.

Free, confidential help for alcohol or drug use is available from the SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, 24/7.

Common options

• Collaborative divorce: each person has a lawyer, and everyone agrees to work it out without going to court
• Court: a judge decides the issues you can’t agree on, often after settlement talks
• Do-it-yourself or uncontested: if you agree on everything, you file your agreement with the court’s forms
• Mediation: a neutral person helps you both talk and reach your own agreement

Mediators don’t decide who was right or impose solutions. Mediation is usually not suitable when there has been domestic violence, child abuse or a serious power imbalance.

Legal aid offices give free civil legal help to people who can’t afford a lawyer. The Legal Services Corporation’s website (lsc.gov) lets you search for a legal aid office near you.

Many courts also run self-help centers that explain forms and steps.

Before a meeting

• Bring a list of questions
• Gather key papers: income, debts, property, accounts
• Take notes, or bring a calm friend
• Write down dates of important events

In the U.S., COBRA can let some people keep group health coverage for a limited time after certain life events, including divorce. You usually pay the full cost.

Check your options early, so there is no gap in coverage for you or your children.

Running one household on one income is often harder than people expect. A nonprofit credit counselor can help you make a budget and plan for debts. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling lists member agencies.

Whether you leave or stay, a home after divorce can feel strange. Small changes, like rearranging a room, new bedding or a fresh photo on the wall, can help a space feel like yours again.

Tips

• Keep messages brief and focused on one issue
• Pause before replying to anything that upsets you
• Stick to written messages if talking leads to fights
• Use a shared calendar for practical plans

Children mainly need to feel safe, loved and sure that both parents will still be there for them. Keeping them out of adult conflict matters most.

Once practical matters are settled, many people find that limiting or ending contact, including on social media, helps them move forward.

Hearing that your ex is dating or remarrying can bring up grief, jealousy or anger, even years later. These feelings usually pass more quickly if you let yourself feel them, and then turn back to your own life.

Ideas

• Go back to an old hobby or try a new one
• Plan a small trip or day out on your own
• Rearrange your space to suit you
• Try a class or group where you can meet people

The first birthdays, anniversaries and holidays after divorce are often the hardest. Planning ahead, and creating new traditions, can make them easier.

Some people want to date soon; others need a long time. Notice whether you are dating to connect or to avoid feeling the loss. Both are human, but the first usually goes better.

Over time, some people find they feel more confident, more independent, or clearer about what they want in a relationship. That does not erase the pain, and it does not have to happen on a schedule.

The share of adults 65 and older who are divorced nearly tripled between 1990 and 2022, from 5.2% to 15.2%. About 1 in 10 people divorcing in the U.S. today is 65 or older.

Common concerns

• Adult children’s reactions
• Dividing retirement savings and pensions
• Health care and who will care for you
• Loneliness and rebuilding a social life

People who divorce young or soon after marrying sometimes feel embarrassed or brushed off: “At least you didn’t have kids.” The loss of a future you planned is still real.

LGBTQ+ people may have smaller or overlapping social circles, family members who were never supportive, or extra legal questions about parentage. Finding LGBTQ+-affirming lawyers and therapists can help.

If your faith or culture discourages divorce, you may face judgment, lose community, or feel torn inside. Some people find support from understanding faith leaders or groups within their tradition.

Men can be less likely to reach out for support and may lose daily time with their children. The Divorce & separation for men guide covers this in depth.

You do not owe everyone the full story. A short, simple line can help: “We’ve separated. It’s been hard, and I’d rather not go into details, but I appreciate you asking.”

Mutual friends may feel caught in the middle, and in-law relationships can end suddenly. This is another loss to grieve. Some friendships survive, and new ones can grow.

What helps

• Check in again after the first weeks, when others stop asking
• Help with practical tasks, like moving or meals
• Invite them to things, even if they say no
• Listen without criticizing their ex or pushing them to “move on”
• Remember hard dates, like the anniversary or first holidays

Divorce and separation support groups are offered by many community centers, faith communities and counseling centers. Hearing others’ stories can remind you that you are not alone.