Choosing not to have children

Most childfree adults in the 2022 Michigan study said they decided early in life, in their teens or twenties, that they did not want children.

This guide focuses mainly on people who choose not to have kids, and the pressure they can face.

Among U.S. adults 50 and older without children, 25% said they weren’t sure whether they wanted children when they were younger.

Being unsure isn’t a failure to decide. Life, relationships and circumstances change, and it’s okay to take time.

Among adults 50 and older without children, 38% said there was a time they wanted children.

Share saying it’s a major reason

• Just don’t want to: 57%
• Want to focus on other things, like career or interests: 44%
• Concerns about the state of the world: 38%
• Can’t afford to raise a child: 36%
• Concerns about the environment, including climate change: 26%
• Didn’t find the right partner: 24%
• Don’t really like children: 20%

Among adults under 50 without children, 64% of women and 50% of men said they just don’t want to have kids. Women were also more likely to mention negative experiences with their own families growing up (22% vs 13%).

Among adults 50 and older without children, two of the most common major reasons were not finding the right partner (33%) and just not wanting to (31%).

Some people have one clear reason. Others have many. Some just know. You don’t owe anyone a justification for how you live your life.

Ask yourself

• If no one would judge me either way, what would I choose?
• What do I picture when I imagine my life at 50 or 70?
• Which parts of parenting appeal to me, and which don’t?
• Am I deciding from fear, or from what I value?
• What does a meaningful life look like to me?

Sometimes one partner wants children and the other doesn’t. Talk early and honestly, and listen to the hopes and fears underneath. A couples counselor can help you understand each other, whatever you decide.

Pretending to agree to keep the peace usually leads to pain later. Your honest answer is a gift, even when it’s hard to give.

Feeling like time is running out can make the decision feel urgent. If you have questions about fertility or your body, talk with your clinical provider for facts that fit your situation.

Common comments

• “Isn’t that selfish?”
• “When are you going to give me grandchildren?”
• “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
• “You don’t know real love until you have kids.”
• “You’ll change your mind.”

Comments like these can lead to feeling judged, defensive or left out, especially at family events or when friends start having babies.

Pew found that among adults 50 and older without children, 42% of women said they felt pressure from society to have children at least sometimes when they were younger, compared with 27% of men.

The 2022 Michigan study found that parents tended to feel warmer toward other parents than toward childfree adults.

If you’ve felt that coolness, you’re not imagining it. It’s a bias, not a verdict on your worth.

Among adults under 50 without children, 41% of women and 26% of men said the topic of having kids comes up with friends at least sometimes.

When friends have babies, time together often changes. Honest talks, flexible plans and interest in each other’s lives can keep friendships strong.

Try saying

• “I’m really happy with my life as it is.”
• “It’s not part of my plan, but thanks for caring.”
• “That’s a personal decision, and I’ve thought about it a lot.”
• “I’d rather not talk about that, but tell me about your trip!”

With close family, a calm, honest talk in private often goes better than a heated moment at dinner. Parents may be grieving their own hopes. You can respect their feelings and still stand by your choice.

A gentle approach

1. Pick a calm, private moment
2. Share your decision simply and clearly
3. Acknowledge their feelings: “I know this isn’t what you hoped for.”
4. Say what you need: “I’d love it if we could stop discussing this at holidays.”
5. Remind them of your love and the ways you’ll stay close

If someone keeps pushing, it’s okay to set a firm, kind limit: “I’ve shared my answer. I’m not going to discuss it again.”

Under 50 vs 50+ without kids

• Time for hobbies: 80% vs 57%
• Affording things they want: 79% vs 61%
• Saving for the future: 75% vs 57%
• Career success: 61% vs 44%
• An active social life: 58% vs 36%

Many childfree people pour care into nieces and nephews, friends’ kids, students, mentoring, pets, creative work, their communities or causes they believe in. Meaning and legacy come in many forms.

Ways people leave a mark

• Being a steady adult in a young person’s life
• Creating art, writing or music
• Mentoring at work or in the community
• Supporting causes they care about
• Volunteering

Society often marks adulthood by milestones like marriage and children. You get to choose your own milestones: a home, a career change, a trip, a creative project, a deep friendship.

Ways to plan ahead

• Build a circle of friends of different ages
• Stay involved in clubs, faith or volunteer groups
• Talk with trusted people about who could help if you get ill

Things to think about

• Who could make health decisions for you if you couldn’t
• Where important papers are kept
• Your wishes for care as you age
• Who you’d like to receive your belongings

Talking with a legal or financial professional can help you set these up in a way that fits where you live.

Since money and care are the most common worries, it helps to think about savings, housing and support options early. Many communities have services for older adults living alone.

Try to avoid

• “So when are you having kids?”
• “You’d make such a great parent, it’s a waste.”
• “You’ll regret it.”
• “You don’t know what tired is.”

You never know who is quietly grieving, who is still deciding, and who has heard the question a hundred times.

Try this

• Ask about their passions, work, travels and friends
• Invite them to family events without making kids the topic
• Respect their answer the first time
• Value their role in children’s lives if they want one, as an aunt, uncle, mentor or friend

Sometimes people without children are expected to cover holidays or stay late more often. Everyone deserves rest, time with loved ones and a life outside work.

Ideas for groups

• Celebrate many kinds of milestones, not just weddings and babies
• Create events for adults of all life stages
• Use inclusive language, like “family” to mean all kinds of families
• Welcome people at every age and stage

Among U.S. adults under 50 without children, 57% said a major reason is that they just don’t want to have kids (Pew Research Center, 2024).

In the 2022 Michigan study, most childfree adults said they decided in their teens or twenties that they did not want children.

A representative survey of adults in Michigan found 21.6% were childfree.

Among adults 50+ without children, 38% said there was a time they wanted kids, 32% never wanted them and 25% weren’t sure.

A counselor can help you explore the decision, handle family pressure, or talk through a disagreement with a partner. Your primary care provider can refer you.

If you wanted children and couldn’t have them, look for a counselor experienced with fertility and loss.

Reach out any time

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
• If a life is in danger: call 911

The 988 Lifeline offers free, confidential support, 24/7, to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. You don’t have to wait until things are at their worst.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. You can search by country and topic.