Supporting someone you love

Listening is the most powerful thing you can offer. When people feel heard, their body often calms down and they feel less alone. Many supporters jump in with solutions too early, and the person stops talking.

How to listen well

• Put your phone away and face them
• Ask open questions that start with “how”, “what” or “when”
• Let silences happen; they may be thinking
• Repeat back what you heard: “It sounds like work has been crushing you lately.”
• Resist the urge to share your own story right away

Doing something side by side, like walking, driving or cooking, can make talking feel easier. There is less pressure when you aren’t staring at each other.

Validation means showing someone that their feelings are real and understandable. It does not mean you agree with everything, or that you approve of every action. It means you accept that this is how they feel right now.

Validating words

• “That sounds really hard.”
• “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how much this is hurting you.”
• “Thank you for telling me.”

Words that shut people down

• “You’re overreacting.”
• “Others have it worse.”
• “Just think positive.”
• “It’s all in your head.”

Validation is a core skill taught to families of people with intense emotions, because it lowers the temperature of hard conversations. When people feel understood, they are more able to think clearly and solve problems.

When we love someone, we want to make the pain stop, so we offer quick fixes. But unasked-for advice can feel like criticism, or like we aren’t really listening. People are more open to ideas once they feel heard.

One supporter writing for the National Domestic Violence Hotline described how trying to solve his friend’s problem was really an attempt to control something that wasn’t his to control. Once his friend felt heard, they could see their own needs more clearly.

Instead of fixing, try

• “Do you want me to just listen, or would ideas help?”
• “What have you tried so far?”
• “What do you think might help, even a little?”

What helps one person may annoy another. Some people want company, others want space. Some want to talk, others want a distraction. Asking shows respect and stops you guessing.

Questions to ask

• “What would help most this week?”
• “Is there anything that makes it worse that I should avoid?”
• “When things get really bad, what do you want me to do?”
• “Would it help if I came to the appointment with you?”

Ask again later. Needs change as someone gets better or has a harder patch. The “How I can help” worksheet can help you both write it down.

People are more likely to get better when they feel in control of their own choices. Pushing, nagging or making decisions for them can backfire, even with the best intentions. Respecting autonomy means offering options and trusting them to choose.

In practice

• Offer choices: “Would you rather talk now, or go for a walk first?”
• Share information, then let them decide
• Don’t book appointments or tell others without asking (unless a life is in danger)
• Accept that it may take many conversations before someone is ready for help

A boundary is a clear line about what you can and can’t do. It is not a punishment or a rejection. Boundaries keep you from burning out, so you can stay in someone’s life for the long haul.

Examples of kind boundaries

• “I can talk tonight until 10, then I need to sleep.”
• “I love you, and I won’t stay in the room when there’s shouting.”
• “I can drive you to therapy, but I can’t be your only support.”
• “I won’t lend money, but I’ll help you find other help.”

Say boundaries calmly, and keep them. If you give in every time, the boundary stops meaning anything. Families learning skills for supporting loved ones with intense emotions practise “observing limits” as a key part of looking after themselves.

Try saying

• “I’ve noticed you seem down lately. How are you really doing?”
• “You don’t seem like yourself. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “I care about you, and I’ve been a bit worried.”
• “No pressure, but I’m free if you want company.”

Pick a quiet time when neither of you is rushed. Mention specific things you’ve noticed (“you’ve stopped coming to practice”) rather than labels (“you’re depressed”). Facts feel less like an attack.

Helpful questions

• “What’s been the hardest part?”
• “How long have you been feeling like this?”
• “What do you miss doing?”
• “How would you like things to be different?”

Point out their strengths and thank them for talking with you. Avoid listing everything they are doing wrong, which can make people less willing to ask for help. At the end, sum up what you heard and ask if you can check in again.

• “I believe you.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “I’m not going anywhere.”
• “It’s not your fault.”
• “I’m proud of you for telling me.”
• “There’s no rush. Take your time.”
• “What would help right now?”

Your tone and body language matter as much as your words. A calm voice, open posture and patience tell someone it is safe to keep talking.

• “Snap out of it.” (They would if they could.)
• “Everyone gets sad / anxious sometimes.” (Minimises their experience.)
• “But you have so much to be grateful for.” (Adds guilt.)
• “Why did you…?” (Can sound like blame, especially after trauma.)
• “You just need to try harder.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.” (Even if you’ve been through something similar, it’s different for them.)

If you say something clumsy, that’s okay. Repair it: “I didn’t say that well. What I meant is that I care and I want to understand.” Owning a mistake builds trust.

Professional support gives people the best chance of feeling better. But pressure can make someone dig in. Share what you’ve noticed, offer information and make it easy to take the first step.

Ways to help

• “Would you be open to talking to a doctor or counsellor about this?”
• Offer to help find a provider or make the call together
• Offer a ride, or to sit in the waiting room
• Help solve barriers like cost, transport or childcare
• Mention support groups and helplines as gentler first steps

Compassion fatigue is the stress that builds up from caring for someone who has been through trauma or deep pain. Researchers describe it as a mix of second-hand traumatic stress and burnout that builds over time. It was first studied in helpers like nurses, but families feel it too.

Signs to watch for in yourself

• Feeling worn out, irritable or angry
• Feeling numb, or less able to feel sympathy
• Dreading calls or visits
• Using alcohol or other substances to cope
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy

These are signs that you need care, not signs that you are a bad person. Rest, support and sharing the load can help you recover.

Respite means time away from caregiving while someone else steps in. It might be a friend sitting with your loved one, a family member taking a shift, or a community service. Even a few hours a week can help.

Ideas

• Keep one activity that is just for you, like a class, walk or hobby
• Protect your sleep where you can
• Eat regular meals and move your body
• Spend time with friends who have nothing to do with the situation

People often want to help but don’t know how. Ask for something specific: “Could you take Mom to her appointment on Tuesday?” A shared online calendar lets family and friends sign up for regular tasks.

Tell your own doctor that you are a caregiver. They can check on your health and may know of local support groups.

Family support groups and classes bring together people supporting a loved one. You can share what’s working, learn skills and feel less alone. Many are free and run online.

Places to start

• NAMI: free family classes and support groups, plus the NAMI HelpLine
• BPD Alliance Family Connections: a free course for families of people with intense emotions
• Alzheimer’s Association: 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) and caregiver groups
• VA Caregiver Support Program: for families of veterans
• Postpartum Support International: support for partners and families
• Local faith, cultural and community groups

It’s common to feel many things at once: love and frustration, hope and fear. You may grieve the way things used to be. You may feel guilty for wanting a break. All of these are human.

What can help

• Talk to someone you trust about how you feel
• Consider counselling for yourself
• Write it down to get it out of your head
• Notice the good moments, even small ones

Someone living with a lot of anxiety may feel on edge most of the time, expect the worst, or feel it in their body as a racing heart, tense muscles or an upset stomach. They often know their worry is bigger than the situation, but can’t just turn it off.

What helps

• Stay calm yourself; your calm is catching
• Acknowledge the feeling: “I can see you’re really worried.”
• Breathe slowly together
• Gently encourage small steps toward things they’ve been avoiding
• Praise effort, not just results

What to avoid

• “Just relax” or “Stop worrying”
• Giving endless reassurance, which can keep the worry going
• Doing everything for them so they never face fears

Practical help

• Go with them to a situation they find hard
• Help break big tasks into small ones
• Help them find a therapist trained in CBT or similar talking therapy

Depression is more than sadness. People may feel empty, hopeless or numb, lose interest in things they loved, sleep too much or too little, and find simple tasks exhausting. It can make them pull away from people, even people they love.

What helps

• Show you care and accept them without judgement
• Keep in regular contact by text, call or visit
• Invite them to walks or outings, and keep inviting
• Be patient; recovery takes time
• Remind them that, with time and treatment, depression can lift

What to avoid

• “Cheer up” or “Look on the bright side”
• Taking it personally when they cancel or go quiet
• Pushing them to “just get out more” before they are ready

Practical help

• Help with meals, laundry or errands
• Help them get to appointments
• Help find local talking therapy or support groups

A panic attack is a sudden rush of fear with strong body feelings: a pounding heart, shaking, sweating, dizziness, chest pain or feeling like they can’t breathe. Most last between 5 and 20 minutes. They are frightening, but not dangerous in themselves.

During an attack

1. Stay with them and stay calm
2. Speak in short, simple sentences: “You’re safe. This will pass.”
3. Breathe slowly with them: in through the nose, out through the mouth
4. Let them stay where they are if they can
5. Don’t crowd them; ask if they want space or touch

What to avoid

• “Calm down!”
• Rushing them out of the situation in a panic
• Making fun of it afterwards

Practical help afterwards

• Let them rest and drink some water
• Gently encourage them to see a doctor, to check for other causes and get support

People with OCD have unwanted, distressing thoughts, images or urges (obsessions). To ease the distress they feel driven to do things like checking, cleaning, counting or asking for reassurance (compulsions). The relief is short, so the cycle repeats.

Families often join in out of love: answering the same question again, helping with rituals, or changing routines to avoid triggers. Experts call this “family accommodation”. It eases distress for a moment, but can keep OCD going.

What helps

• Separate the person from the OCD: the thoughts are not who they are
• Support their treatment; therapy called ERP (exposure and response prevention) is the leading approach
• Work with their therapist on how to slowly step back from rituals
• Praise small wins and be patient; recovery is a process

What to avoid

• Suddenly refusing all reassurance without a plan (it can feel cruel)
• Joking “I’m so OCD” or shaming them
• Getting angry about rituals they can’t easily stop

Practical help

• Help find a therapist trained in ERP
• Look into IOCDF support groups for families

ADHD affects attention, focus, organisation and impulse control. It is not laziness or a lack of caring. People with ADHD often hear a lot of criticism, which can wear down their self-esteem.

For a child

• Give clear, consistent expectations and focus on a few behaviours at a time
• Notice successes and say exactly what they did well
• Set aside one-on-one positive time every day
• Build on strengths like art, sport or building things
• Make sure all caregivers handle things the same way

For a teen

• Involve them in making plans and routines
• Help them learn tools like planners, phone reminders and checklists
• Know their educational rights (like a 504 plan or IEP) and help them advocate
• Keep the relationship warm, even during conflict

For an adult partner

• Learn about ADHD and separate the symptom from the person: a forgotten task is often not a lack of love
• Share tasks on purpose, using joint lists, and play to each other’s strengths
• Use “I” statements and agree a plan for breaks during heated talks
• Make time for fun together; it gives you both a longer fuse
• Consider couples therapy with someone who understands ADHD

What to avoid

• Labels like “lazy”, “careless” or “stupid”
• Taking over every task (this builds resentment on both sides)
• Using their favourite activities as punishments

People living with bipolar experience periods of very high or irritable mood and energy, and periods of deep low mood. In between, many feel well. Highs can bring little need for sleep, racing thoughts and risky decisions; lows can feel like depression.

What helps

• Offer patience, emotional support and encouragement
• Listen and be open to their experiences
• Learn their triggers and early warning signs together
• Include them in fun activities
• Remind them that getting better is possible with the right treatment

What to avoid

• Blaming every emotion on bipolar (“Is that your bipolar talking?”)
• Arguing during a high; calmly set limits instead

Practical help

• Help protect regular sleep and routines
• Drive them to appointments
• When they’re well, make a plan together for what to do if a high or low starts
• Look into DBSA support groups

People given this label often feel emotions very strongly and for longer, and find it hard to calm down. They may fear being abandoned, have relationships that swing between closeness and conflict, and sometimes self-harm. Underneath is usually deep emotional pain.

What helps

• Validate the feeling, even if you don’t agree with the reaction
• Stay calm and predictable; consistency builds trust
• Set clear, kind limits and keep them
• Learn skills based on DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) for families
• Remember that people do get better; effective therapies exist

What to avoid

• Calling them “manipulative” or “dramatic”
• Matching their intensity in an argument
• Giving in to every demand to avoid conflict

Practical help

• Join Family Connections, a free BPD Alliance course for families (mostly online)
• Encourage therapy such as DBT
• Look after your own support network

Some people have long-standing ways of thinking, feeling and relating that cause them and others a lot of pain. They might be very suspicious, very withdrawn, very anxious about rejection, very controlling, or struggle to see others’ points of view. These patterns usually grow out of a mix of temperament and life experience.

What helps

• Focus on specific behaviours, not labels
• Stay calm, clear and consistent
• Notice and appreciate their efforts and strengths
• Encourage therapy, which can help people change patterns over time

What to avoid

• Diagnosing them yourself (“You’re a narcissist”)
• Long arguments about who is right
• Losing yourself trying to keep them happy

Protect your own wellbeing with boundaries and outside support. If a relationship becomes controlling or abusive, your safety comes first.

Psychosis means losing some contact with reality. A person may hear or see things others don’t, or hold strong beliefs that aren’t shared by others, like being watched. Early signs can include pulling away, suspicion, trouble thinking clearly, poor sleep and neglecting self-care.

What helps

• Stay calm and speak simply
• Acknowledge their feelings (“That sounds frightening”) without arguing about the experience
• Don’t pretend to share beliefs, but don’t mock them either
• Learn about psychosis; informed families support recovery better
• Encourage early help: starting treatment soon leads to better outcomes

What to avoid

• Arguing about whether voices or beliefs are real
• Crowding, shouting or sudden movements
• Words like “crazy” or “psycho”

Practical help

• Look for coordinated specialty care: team-based early psychosis treatment that includes family support
• Help with sleep, meals and routines
• Join a family education program

After a frightening or harmful event, some people keep reliving it through memories, nightmares or flashbacks. They may feel on guard all the time, avoid reminders, feel numb, or be quick to anger. These are the body’s survival responses, stuck on.

What helps

• Let them know you’re ready to listen, and understand if they aren’t ready to talk
• Learn about trauma so you understand their reactions
• Keep doing normal things together: meals, outings, exercise
• Notice triggers and plan positive distractions
• Understand that withdrawal can be a symptom, not rejection

What to avoid

• Pushing for details of what happened
• “You should be over it by now”
• Sneaking up or surprising them

Practical help

• Offer to go to appointments
• Agree a “time-out” signal for heated moments: either of you can pause, say where you’ll be and when you’ll come back
• Encourage trauma-focused therapy

Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial or digital. People often stay for complex reasons: fear, love, money, children, or because leaving can be the most dangerous time. They may feel ashamed, confused or isolated from friends.

What helps

• Listen first and believe them
• Tell them it’s not their fault and they are not alone
• Respect their decisions, even if they stay
• Help them explore options, at their pace
• Keep in touch; abusers often isolate people

What to avoid

• “Why don’t you just leave?”
• Confronting the abuser yourself (it can increase danger)
• Ultimatums or cutting them off if they go back
• Sharing their story with others without permission

Practical help

• Offer rides, childcare, or a place to stay if it’s safe for you
• Share the Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 (free, confidential, 24/7)
• Be aware their phone or computer may be monitored

Survivors may feel shock, fear, shame, numbness or anger, or seem very calm. Everyone reacts differently, and a calm reaction doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Many worry they won’t be believed or will be blamed. Sexual violence takes control away; good support gives it back.

What helps

• Thank them for telling you
• Say “I believe you” and “It’s not your fault”
• Listen; you don’t need to have the answers
• Offer choices, and let them decide everything: who to tell, whether to see a doctor, whether to report
• Check in over time; there’s no timetable for healing

What to avoid

• “Why” questions (“Why were you there?”), which sound like blame
• Pushing them to report to police or to “move on”
• Asking for details they haven’t offered
• Touching or hugging without asking first

Practical help

• If they choose to see a doctor or report, offer to go with them
• Share the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673 (RAINN)
• Help with everyday things so they can rest

People usually self-harm to cope with painful feelings, not to seek attention. It can bring short relief, but the feelings return. Learning about it can feel shocking; your calm, caring response matters a lot.

Quick tips

• Stay calm and non-judgemental
• Focus on the feelings behind it, not just the injury
• Don’t demand they promise to stop
• Encourage support from a doctor or therapist

People who think about suicide are usually in unbearable pain and can’t see another way out. Many feel like a burden. Asking directly does not increase suicidal thoughts, and talking openly may even reduce them.

What helps

• Ask clearly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”
• Listen without judgement and take it seriously
• Stay with them if they are in danger
• Help put distance between them and anything they could use to hurt themselves
• Call or text 988 together

What to avoid

• Promising to keep it secret
• Debating whether suicide is right or wrong
• “You’d never do that”

Practical help

• Help them make a safety plan (the app has a Safety Plan tool)
• Follow up over the coming days and weeks

Eating disorders are serious and can affect people of any age, gender, size or background. They can involve restricting food, bingeing, purging or exercising compulsively. They are often about coping with feelings and control, not just food.

What helps

• Keep inviting them to things, even if they say no
• Tell them what you value about them, beyond looks
• Let them know you’re there, even if they push you away
• Encourage professional help, and offer to go with them

What to avoid

• Comments about their weight, shape or what they eat
• Criticising or giving advice about food
• Praising weight loss, or talking about diets around them
• Feeling you need all the answers

Practical help

• Help find specialist care; ANAD has a free helpline and support groups
• If they’re in hospital, call, text or visit (if they want) to say you’re still there

Substance use often starts as a way to cope with stress, pain or trauma. Over time it can take control. People can feel deep shame, which makes them hide it. Recovery is possible, and it often takes more than one try.

What helps

• Talk when they are sober and calm
• Ask open questions: “What do you miss?” “How would you like things to be?”
• Point out their strengths and thank them for talking
• Be patient; it may take many conversations
• Celebrate any step toward change

What to avoid

• Lecturing, shaming or labels like “addict” or “junkie”
• Listing everything they do wrong
• Covering for them in ways that put you at risk

Practical help

• Share SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (free, 24/7)
• Find family support groups for yourself
• Learn the signs of overdose and what to do (see the Substance use guide)

Grief can bring sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, tiredness and trouble sleeping. It comes in waves and has no set timeline. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries can bring it back strongly.

What helps

• Say their loved one’s name and share memories
• “I’m so sorry. I’m here.” is enough
• Keep showing up after the funeral, when support often fades
• Mark hard dates on your calendar and check in

What to avoid

• “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” (unless they say it first)
• Telling them how long grief should last
• Avoiding them because you don’t know what to say

Practical help

• Bring meals, mow the lawn, help with paperwork
• Offer specific help rather than “Let me know if you need anything”
• For grieving children and teens, see Dougy Center resources

Dementia affects memory, thinking and everyday skills, and slowly gets worse over time. Early on, people can still do much for themselves. Later, communication and daily tasks become harder. The person is still there, and still deserves dignity.

What helps

• Early on: speak to them directly, include them, and ask where they want help
• Talk one-on-one in a quiet place, slowly and clearly
• Ask one question at a time; yes-or-no questions are easier
• Listen for the feeling behind the words
• Later on: approach from the front, say who you are, and connect through touch, music and familiar smells

What to avoid

• Correcting, arguing or quizzing (“Don’t you remember?”)
• Talking about them as if they aren’t there
• Pulling away; your presence still matters

Practical help

• Call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline: 800-272-3900
• Use the Eldercare Locator to find local services
• Plan respite for the main caregiver

Autistic people may communicate and socialise differently, have strong focused interests, find changes in routine distressing, and be more or less sensitive to sound, light, touch or temperature. Many have real strengths, like deep knowledge, detail and memory. Autism is a spectrum, so every person is different.

What helps

• Ask them (or their family) what works and what overwhelms
• Use clear, direct language and say what you mean
• Give warning before changes, and time for transitions
• Respect sensory needs: quieter spaces, dimmer lights, headphones
• Value their interests and ways of communicating

What to avoid

• Forcing eye contact or hugs
• Treating a meltdown as bad behaviour; it is often overwhelm
• Talking over them or assuming they don’t understand

Practical help

• Keep notes from meetings with doctors and schools
• Connect with autism support groups and advocacy groups

Living with an ongoing illness or chronic pain can be exhausting and lonely. People with chronic illnesses have a higher risk of depression, and depression can make physical illness harder to manage. Energy can change day to day, which others may not see.

What helps

• Believe them about their pain and energy, even if they “look fine”
• Be flexible with plans
• Ask how they are doing today, not just “Are you better?”
• Keep including them in life, adapted to what they can manage

What to avoid

• Unasked-for health tips or miracle cures
• “But you look so well!”
• Getting frustrated when they cancel

Practical help

• Drive to appointments or take notes during them
• Help with chores on bad days
• Watch for signs of depression and encourage support

Many new parents expect to feel joy, so feeling sad, anxious, numb, or scared of being a bad parent can bring huge guilt. Perinatal depression is common and treatable. Partners, including dads, can struggle too.

What helps

• “This is not your fault, and you are a good parent.”
• Listen without judging scary or upsetting thoughts
• Protect their sleep by taking night feeds or shifts where possible
• Encourage them to talk to their doctor or midwife

What to avoid

• “Enjoy every moment!”
• Comparing them to other parents
• Assuming it will pass on its own

Practical help

• Bring meals, do laundry, hold the baby so they can shower or nap
• Share the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 1-833-852-6262 (24/7)
• Postpartum Support International HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773

Veterans may carry experiences that are hard to put into words, and coming home can bring its own challenges. Some live with PTSD, moral injury, brain injury or the loss of friends. Many find it easier to talk with others who served.

What helps

• Let them share at their own pace
• Keep up normal shared activities
• Encourage contact with fellow veterans and peer groups
• Learn about common reactions after trauma

What to avoid

• “Did you kill anyone?”
• Pushing for war stories
• Assuming every veteran has PTSD

Practical help

• Help them reach VA care or a local Vet Center
• Families can use the VA Caregiver Support Program

LGBTQ+ people don’t struggle because of who they are, but because of rejection, stigma and discrimination. Acceptance makes a measurable difference. In a 2024 U.S. survey, LGBTQ+ young people in very accepting communities attempted suicide at less than half the rate of those in very unaccepting ones.

In the same survey, transgender and nonbinary young people whose pronouns were respected by everyone they lived with reported lower suicide attempt rates (11%) than those whose pronouns no one at home respected (20%).

What helps

• Thank them for trusting you
• Use the name and pronouns they ask for
• Stand up for them when others make hurtful comments
• Let them decide who else to tell

What to avoid

• “It’s just a phase”
• Outing them to anyone
• Making them responsible for educating you

Children and teens may not have words for what they feel. Struggles can show up as irritability, stomach aches, sleep changes, school problems or pulling away. Teen depression is more than moodiness, and it’s worth taking seriously.

What helps

• Make time to talk, often side by side (in the car, on walks)
• Listen more than you lecture
• Name feelings: “You seem frustrated. Want to tell me about it?”
• Keep routines for sleep, meals and screens
• Help them calm down by staying calm yourself

What to avoid

• Dismissing feelings as “drama” or “hormones”
• Snooping in ways that break trust (unless safety is at risk)
• Comparing them to siblings or friends

Practical help

• Talk to their doctor, school counsellor or teacher
• Know their educational rights if they need support at school

Older adults can face loneliness, loss of friends and partners, health problems, and less independence. Low mood is not a normal part of ageing. Roles shifting, with children caring for parents, can bring love, grief and tension.

What helps

• Visit or call regularly; loneliness hurts health
• Respect their independence and include them in decisions
• Help them stay connected: clubs, faith groups, classes, video calls
• Ask about their life and stories; it shows they still matter

What to avoid

• Talking down to them or making decisions without them
• Assuming sadness or confusion is “just old age”

Practical help

• Use the Eldercare Locator to find local services
• Share caregiving tasks with siblings and relatives
• Plan breaks for yourself