Helping someone in an abusive relationship

The Hotline suggests talking privately, at a safe time, away from the partner. Avoid starting the conversation by text or email, which the partner might see.

You could say

• “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “I care about you, and I’m worried about your safety.”
• “How can I help?”
• “You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know I’m here.”

Try not to

• Ask “Why don’t you just leave?”
• Criticize or speak badly about their partner
• Give ultimatums
• Lecture, interrupt or blame
• Push for details they are not ready to share

Criticizing the partner can make the survivor defend them, and feel they can’t come back to you later.

They may deny it, change the subject, or defend their partner. That is common. Don’t push. Let them know you’re there, and try again another time.

Listen patiently and let them share at their own pace. Believe them. You do not need all the details, and you should not push for them.

Things you could say

• “Thank you for telling me.”
• “I believe you.”
• “This is not your fault.”
• “You deserve to be safe and respected.”

It can be tempting to say “Just leave!” But survivors know their situation best, and leaving can be dangerous. Leaving on their own terms and timeline makes it less likely they will go back.

Keep supporting them even if you disagree with their choices. Staging a surprise “intervention” can make them feel even less in control.

Even if they are not ready to leave, small steps can help: calling a hotline, talking to a counselor, or making a safety plan. You can offer to sit with them while they call.

You can also call the Hotline yourself to get advice on how to help.

Do not contact the abusive person or post about them online. This can make things more dangerous for the survivor, and for you.

Practical help

• Keep copies of important documents for them, if they want
• Spend time together, especially if abuse happens less when others are around
• Help them find local resources
• Keep your phone charged and stay safe yourself

Survivors return to an abusive partner an average of seven times before leaving for good. It can be painful to watch. Staying in their life means they still have someone safe to turn to.

Supporting a survivor can bring stress and even secondary trauma. Take breaks, keep your own boundaries, and get support for yourself too.

Things the Hotline names

• The abuser may have ties to the police
• The abuser may lie or manipulate officers
• The survivor may feel they have to downplay the abuse if the abuser is there
• The abuser may be angrier after police leave

Ideas from the Hotline

• If you hear abuse next door, knock and ask to borrow something to break the moment, if it is safe
• Post the Hotline number in shared spaces, like a laundry room or mail room
• Contact a local or state domestic violence program for advice
• Ask the survivor, privately, when they would want you to call

Each time you see or hear abuse, write down the date, time and exactly what happened. Keep it factual. It can help if the survivor later decides to involve police or court. Share it only with their permission.

The Hotline suggests offering to store important documents, or helping them prepare a “to-go bag” for emergencies.

The Safety planning & leaving guide has a full list of papers and things to take.

You could offer to

• Give rides, or help with problems at work
• Help them find local programs for financial abuse survivors
• Help them write down what has happened
• Hold money for them, or help them save
• Let them use your address for bank mail

The Hotline suggests helping make a safety plan that covers possible situations, like children, pets or travel. The survivor knows their abuser best, so they are the best judge of what keeps them, and you, safe.

The Hotline suggests offering to go with them to service providers or legal settings, for moral support. With their permission, help them learn about their legal rights.

The Hotline compares this time to helping someone who is grieving. Don’t move or throw away things without checking first. Even photos of the brands they like can help when you shop, since familiar things bring comfort.

If a brother, friend or coworker tells you about abuse, take it as seriously as you would for anyone else. Avoid jokes, and avoid questions like “Why didn’t you just fight back?”

The Male survivors of abuse guide has more on why reaching out can feel hard for men.

Ideas from love is respect

• Tell them you’re worried about their safety, and that what’s happening isn’t normal
• Listen more than you talk, without lecturing or accusing
• Don’t minimize it because of their age or how long they have dated
• Let decisions be theirs, and stay close if they stay

Teens and parents can call love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. The Children & domestic violence guide covers teen dating violence.

The Hotline says children of any age do not have to rescue a parent. Offer support without pressure, respect their boundaries, and share resources when they are ready.

If an older parent is being abused by a partner or by a family member, the Elder abuse & financial exploitation guide can help.

An abusive partner may call or show up at work. With the survivor’s permission, a manager or HR can help plan for safety there. Workplaces Respond has free information for coworkers and employers.

If you hear abuse, call 911 if someone is in danger. Otherwise, the Hotline suggests safe ways to interrupt, like knocking to borrow something, and leaving hotline information in shared spaces.

The Hotline reminds helpers to protect their own food, water, rest, movement and wellbeing. It is okay to take a day or a week off to recharge.

You cannot rescue or fix someone. The choice is theirs. Keeping your own boundaries helps you stay in their life for the long run.

You can call the Hotline or love is respect for yourself, to talk through your feelings and how to help. A counselor or a trusted friend can help too, as long as you protect the survivor’s privacy.

The Supporting someone you love guide has more on caring for yourself as a supporter.

Free, confidential support for survivors and anyone calling on their behalf, by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org.

The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 24/7, by phone, text or chat at loveisrespect.org.

Numbers

• StrongHearts Native Helpline: 1-844-762-8483, 24/7
• The Deaf Hotline (videophone, ASL): 1-855-812-1001, 24/7

Free, confidential and 24/7, for the survivor or for you if you are struggling.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries.

Call 911 if someone is being hurt or threatened right now, or if you feel unsafe.