When someone you love is depressed

Someone may

• Be often irritated or angry
• Have become isolated from others
• Have lost interest in things they normally enjoy
• Have trouble concentrating on everyday things, like TV or reading
• Not look after themselves or their home
• Seem down or hopeless
• Seem tired, or have little energy
• Sleep or eat much more, or much less, than usual
• Speak or move more slowly, or seem restless

Some people smile, joke and keep working while struggling inside. Men may seem angry or busy. Teens may seem irritable. Older adults may seem flat or forgetful.

When someone with depression stops replying or cancels plans, it is easy to feel rejected. But depression drains the energy needed for conversation and plans. Seeing the depression, not each other, as the problem helps you both.

Depression drains the energy needed for conversation and plans. You may stop replying to messages or cancel plans. Loved ones may take this personally and feel rejected, while you feel guilty, which makes reaching out even harder.

Small ways to stay connected

• Send a short message: “Low energy this week, but thinking of you.”
• Suggest easy plans, like watching a show together
• Tell people what helps: “I might be quiet, but I still want you around.”

Depression does not always look sad. It can show up as irritability, frustration or anger, especially in men and teens. People closest to you often get the worst of it.

What can help

• Notice early signs, like a tight jaw or feeling overloaded, and take a break
• Repair afterwards: “I’m sorry I snapped. I’m struggling, and it wasn’t about you.”
• Agree on a signal with your partner or family when you need space

Depression can reduce interest in sex and make physical closeness feel like too much. Partners may feel unwanted, and the person with depression may feel guilty or broken. This is a symptom, not a sign that love has gone.

Ways to stay close

• Talk about it openly, without blame
• Find other kinds of closeness: holding hands, sitting together, a hug
• Mention it to your clinical provider, as it is part of the picture

Many partners and family members feel confused or helpless. Explaining what depression is like for you can turn worry and blame into teamwork.

Things you might say

• “When I go quiet, it’s the depression, not you.”
• “What helps me most is when you…”
• “I don’t need you to fix it. I just need you to be here.”
• “Can we pick a calm time each week to check in?”

A relationship counsellor can help when depression and relationship problems are tangled together. A Cochrane review found that couple therapy and individual therapy helped depression about equally, and couple therapy seemed to help more with relationship distress, though the evidence was limited.

Interpersonal therapy (IPT), described in the Depression: understanding it guide, also focuses on relationships and conflict.

Choose a time when neither of you is rushed or upset, and somewhere private. Many people find it easier to talk side by side, on a walk or a drive, than face to face across a table.

Talk about what you have seen, not what you think is “wrong” with them. Keep it gentle and specific, and make clear you are not angry.

Ways to open the door

• “I’ve noticed you seem down lately. I’m here.”
• “You haven’t seemed like yourself. Do you want to talk, or just have company?”
• “I care about you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Try not to argue with their feelings or rush to solutions. Accept them as they are, without judging them. Saying “That sounds really hard” helps more than “Look on the bright side.”

Try saying

• “Do you want to talk, or just have company?”
• “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “This is depression talking. It can get better.”
• “You’re not a burden to me.”

Try to avoid

• “Have you tried just thinking positive?”
• “Just cheer up” or “snap out of it”
• “Other people have it worse”
• “You have nothing to be sad about”

These can make someone feel more alone and ashamed. Depression is a real health condition, not a weakness or a choice.

Remind them that, with time and treatment, depression can lift. With the right care, most people recover and go on to live full lives.

You could offer to

• Drive them, or go with them, to an appointment
• Help them find a therapist or local service
• Help write down how they’ve been feeling before a visit
• Sit with them while they make the call

You can help them stick to their treatment plan, for example with reminders about appointments. Improvement is often slow and uneven, and finding the right approach can take more than one try.

Adults have the right to make their own choices about care. If they are not ready, stay connected, keep offering gently, and share information they can look at in their own time.

Invite them to easy activities, like a walk, a coffee or a movie. If they say no, keep inviting, kindly. Being included matters, even when they can’t come.

Stay in touch by messaging, phoning or meeting up. If meeting feels too hard for them, smaller steps like a short message can still help them feel less alone.

Ideas

• Bring a meal, or cook together
• Do a chore side by side, like laundry or dishes
• Help break one big task into small steps
• Help open the mail or sort a bill together

Breaking tasks into small pieces helps when someone is low. Doing things with them, rather than for them, can also give them a small sense of achievement.

Gently encourage them to look after themselves through physical activity, balanced meals and doing things they enjoy. Joining them makes it easier.

NIMH’s five steps

1. Ask: “Are you thinking about suicide?”
2. Be there: listen without judging
3. Help keep them safe: ask if they have a plan, and reduce access to dangerous items or places
4. Help them connect: call or text 988 together, and reach other trusted people
5. Follow up: keep in touch after a crisis

Supportive, ongoing contact after a crisis can play an important role in suicide prevention.

If you think someone may harm themselves or others right now, stay with them, or arrange for someone else to, and call 911. In the U.S. you can also call or text 988 for support, 24 hours a day.

You are not their therapist, and you can’t be available all the time. Being clear about what you can and can’t offer protects your relationship and your health.

Examples

• “I can call every evening, but I need to sleep by eleven.”
• “I can drive you to appointments on Tuesdays.”
• “I love you, and I need an hour to myself today.”

Keep your own routines, rest, and talk to someone about how you are doing. Share the load with other family members or friends where you can.

Support groups let people share what they are going through with others who understand. Groups for family and friends can help you feel less alone.

Signs you may need more support

• Feeling constantly tired or on edge
• Losing interest in things you enjoy
• Pulling away from your own friends
• Sleeping badly or feeling hopeless

Get urgent help if

• They are seeing or hearing things others don’t, or behaving very unusually
• They have harmed themselves or someone else
• They talk about suicide or having a plan
• You are worried they may harm themselves or others

FindTreatment.gov, run by SAMHSA, is a confidential tool for finding mental health services near you. A primary care provider is also a good first step.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country, by phone, text or chat. The International Association for Suicide Prevention partners with its creators to share it. If someone is in danger, call your local emergency number.

In the app

• Depression at every age
• Depression: understanding it
• Living with depression day to day
• Supporting someone you love
• When someone in your family is struggling